Michael Feir's Blog

Amazing Meaningful Holidays

2012-01-09T09:24:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. A blog entry is again well past due. It's been a very eventful couple of weeks. So eventful that I'm not going to even attempt to put things in chronological order. You'll just have to follow my stream of consciousness as it meanders through the tail end of 2011 and start of 2012. It's been a tremendously restorative good time. It's very early on Saturday morning as I begin writing this. I'm awake after an early begun five hours of solid sleep. Hopefully, I'll grab a bit more later. A cup of herbal tea, Calm Infusion, sits beside me at my desk. My computer is also in the process of converting The Passage by Justin Chronen. Hope I got the spelling right. I waited two months so I had two credits to spend. As a result, a book which could have cost $70 has cost me $28. Not bad. It's a long five-parter.

Christmas was an absolute joy this year. So was Christmas eve. usually, I would go to church on one of those two days. However, unlike every other year, my family had events on both those days and then nothing on Boxing day. I doubt that'll happen again in the next decade. I don't feel at all convicted about not attending church over the holidays. God knows my heart and where it's at. Looking back over the past couple of weeks, I've actually spent quite some time thinking about and discussing faith with my friends. Christmas day was spent in Hamilton in my brother's house. That seems to be the best thing to do with three little ones who can open and play with all their stuff. They had a terrific day and seemed to appreciate all their gifts. Ava wrote her name right away in the notebook I gave her. The flashlight from Mountain Equipment Co-op went over very well. Dad now has some money to spend on iTUNES. Mom has six games from Bigfish Games plus credits for a couple more thanks to one small mistake and the generosity of Bigfish Games making it right. After all the hustle and bustle, it was good to have nothing planned on Boxing day. I needed it to recover. I was given a pair of gloves with conductive material in the fingertips which let me use my iPHONE while wearing gloves. That was a very thoughtful idea which really stood out for me this year.

The space between Christmas and New Year's was a tad empty in places. I had family visits and also found that catching up with people online somewhat softened the solitary days. I also found myself re-reading Stephen King's The Stand. Every once in a while, that book pulls me in for another dark journey. The time passed surprisingly quickly as I made preparations for my upcoming gathering. Another pastime was Pontes Backgammon. It's a terrific polished implementation of accessible Backgammon on the computer. I bought it for 13 Euros and will be enjoying it for years. It allows for single play against the computer or two-player games on the same computer or over the Internet. You can chat with your human opponents via text message. Check out what this Romanian charity group has pulled off at:
www.backgammon.pontes.ro
I'd still love to see how Spoonbill Software would do Backgammon. That would be nifty. However, it's hard to imagine a better piece of software. I guess the doubling cube is a missing feature. Mr. Humfreys would doubtless find other neat things to ad were he to attempt it.

New Year's Eve was interesting. The day began early as I caught the very tail end of Jonathan Mosen's new year's show from New Zealand. I later heard and enjoyed the podcast when more fully awake. The morning took a decidedly crappy turn when I discovered that the drain in my sink was plugged. Not wanting to bother anybody on New Year's Eve, I tried everything including plunging the drain and putting vinegar and baking soda into it. Nothing worked though and I had to call the superintend ant. They called the contractors who came out and ended up replacing my old pipe with a very smooth new one. They used a blowtorch to cut out the old one and/or put the new pipe in. Given all the wood and other combustibles in the vicinity of my kitchen cupboards, that was the last thing I was expecting to hear. I've never actually felt one of those contraptions but must conclude that they offer an amazingly focused level of precision. They also must be far smaller than I previously conjectured. I then had to clean up the place and counter area quite thoroughly before I felt I could continue with my day. Thank God they straightened that mess out so promptly. My drain now sucks down water like it never has before.

Half the potential guests I had invited failed to show up for my New Year's party. There were six of us for a brief while. Joseph and Rose wanted to also be a part of the church's New Year's activities. Adam, Jeanette, Stephen and I stayed up until around four AM. I'm very glad Joseph and Rose were able to make it for a good chunk of the festivities and got to know my other three guests. It says a lot that I still had such a good time even though so many friends failed to appear. I very much hope I can get more friends at some future gathering. It's always so fascinating to hear friends who have never met each other and how they interact. A smaller group trades that pleasure for a more intimate level of conversation that I find equally enjoyable. There was some disappointment but this was far outweighed by a strong sense of just how blessed I am by the friendship of others.

That sense was further strengthened by a journey I went on at Stephen's invitation after we had recovered from the New Year's celebration. We spent another couple of days at my place. Shirley came for a visit that I believe was much longer than she had originally intended. Good conversation just kept it going for something around four hours. Originally, I think she intended to stay perhaps half an hour. I hope she makes it to a New Year's gathering one of these years. She'd fit right in and enjoy herself despite the age gap. On Monday, Stephen and I set off for down town Toronto. I ended up spending four days in his company as we travelled around visiting friends. I got to meet Judy and reconnect with Jevan, a young lady I once encountered while at the SCORE camp run by the CNIB. She certainly seems to have found her stride in life. I was surprised she remembered me especially from that long ago. It was a very pleasant bit of travel and visiting.

I also got to visit Michelle McQuigge along with Steve. We showed her how our iPHONES worked and let her take them for a spin. She loves her old Nokia phone with its tiny keyboard. Given her amazing facility to text rapidly versus my agonized snail's pace tortured texting, I can't exactly blame her. Texting is far less a priority for me than for her. The benefits of having an iPHONE far outweigh the annoyance that I find typing on it to be. Not so for Michelle. Our discussion was pretty far-ranging and she seemed full of energy. She certainly handles a knife well when chopping vegetables. Steve and she seemed to hit it off well right away as I suspected they would. Sadly, during that first day, I lost the speaker for my Trekkor Breeze. They cost $25 each. It's the second one of those which I've had to purchase as the first one broke. While I was at it, I also bought a new battery for the Breeze. Add the expense of a set of Urban Ear headphones for my iPHONE as well as renewing my Apple Care plan for my iPHONE and you've got a pretty expensive start to 2012. We never checked the kind of cab someone found for us at the subway station so there was no way to inquire about the speaker. The driver was convinced that the noise was the seatbelt dangling and that's what I thought until we were well away from the cab. A mistake I don't plan on making again any time soon. From now on, the speaker goes into my pocket even during short cab rides or whenever it's not in use. An easily avoidable stupid absent-minded mistake on my part.

I was able to attend Meko's birthday celebration due to weather completely changing initial plans for Tuesday. Tuesday was just too cold to think of travelling. Stephen and I had a pleasant relaxed day at the Murgaski house. I got to show Steve a bit of Backgammon and we caught up with what had captured our interests over the past while. As always, the food was great and the conversation stimulating. I've always felt very comfortable and open around the Murgaski's and hope Steve has felt the same around my parents as has seemed to be the case over the many years of our friendship.

Wednesday was a chance to reconnect with Earle, Meko, and others I haven't seen in quite a while. I guess the last time I saw a lot of them was at Steve's going away party before he headed off to India. What an awesome adventure that turned out to be. Earle has a very spacious sounding apartment. He seems pretty happy with it over all. After hearing about that incredible fire in 200 Wellesley, I guess I had expected to find him in a far smaller more cramped space with the added presumption that most units in the building would be similarly small cramped affairs. The reality is of course quite different. It's too bad he had to lose some irreplaceable stuff as a result of the fire but I'm glad he wasn't anywhere near it when it happened. I remember the newscasters remarking how people would just go out on their balconies when they could have left the building. 2011 really seems to have been an eventful year for a lot of us. It's as if time just reached out and caught us in its fast-moving currents for a while.

While Earle, Steve and I sat together in his place, talk naturally turned to others from our grade school days when we first became acquainted. Apparently, Daniel still thinks rather uncharitably of both Earle and I. He apparently thinks we're Radio Shack quality people, whatever that means, and that we should be eliminated. I couldn't help but observe that when dealing with such remarks, one should always consider The Source. They got it. I'm amazed that he's still thinking about me at all after such a long time. I really must have struck one heck of a nerve with my last letter to him all those years ago. Hopefully, it'll ultimately work to his good and help him become a better person. That was, after all, the spirit in which I wrote it. I don't wish him any misfortune at all but believe he'll bring that upon himself unless he's changed or will change substantially from the man I once knew.

Steve and Earle both have superb mobility skills combined with a sense of location and geographical context that I can only dream of. The ease with which Steve guided me around the city was nothing short of profound. Even after extensive lessons in an area, I don't enjoy anywhere near that level of sense of location. I'm always waiting and hoping that next landmark will appear and dreading that it won't because I can't keep a larger mental map in my head for any length of time. On the other hand, it wouldn't surprise me if I actually move around a little more safely. Steve remarked that he thinks my place was nicely set up. It certainly is and I guess I do tend to keep it fairly neat. Still, I'd think his place would turn out somewhat similar if and when he obtains one. He still sees advantages living with his parents. They're very nice folks much like my own. Also, he has more freedom of action due to his navigation skills than I do. Even so, I would still conjecture that it would do Steve's sense of self and family good to have his own apartment. This is especially true when you start to connect with the community. I couldn't put into words how much that has helped me deal with everything.

Last week's trip has certainly opened things up in a pretty deep way. I keenly look forward to similar adventures in the future as ODSP economics permits. As much as my old friends help me get around, I believe I can help them in other ways as we all navigate life in this strange place society has put us. Earle wants to come out to my place for a weekend to show me more of the Mac operating system and feels I didn't give it enough of a chance. I would welcome such a tour from someone so accomplished and experienced as he is. However, I simply don't see myself just abandoning Windows even for a month as has been suggested to me. Simply put, I have other things on the go than mastering a whole other operating system. If I find that it can really do things better for me, that's great. I'll certainly make use of what I have. However, after my initial experience, I need a higher degree of proof that it's really worth my time mastering it. I just haven't been swept along with all the hipe. For me, the main blessing here is simply having reconnected with Earle, Meko, and others and not feeling like it's just a one-time thing. I absolutely welcome this new doorway which has opened even as I continue to hope for greater community involvement here in Meadowvale.

Some of that will happen fairly shortly. I've been invited out for drinks with people from my church who I never got a chance to connect with over the holidays. Doug and Nan are always a blast to be with. Tomorrow, I'll be meeting with John Morgan. Haven't seen him in quite some time. I'll be showing him some of what my iPHONE can do.

It's now very early Monday morning. I just had the most disgusting disturbing dream that has graced my subconscious in at least a year. I had a great time with everyone last night and don't think I deserved this nasty mental nugget at all. In the dream, I had to chop off the head of a deserter or face the prospect of him still being decapitated and my being drawn and quartered for good measure. He was such a nice man too. I felt absolutely rotten but there was no way out of the situation. My sword stroke wasn't strong enough to do the job neatly so I ended up lying the guy down and sawing through the rest of his neck. I don't believe I've ever felt so utterly disgusted and bad about what I was doing in my sleep before. You can appreciate why the thought of just lying down for more sleep seems quite absurd at the moment.

The one major event that I haven't written about at all is that I've broken up with Emily. There were a number of pretty big differences right from the start. My compassion can lead me into situations that I just don't have the resources to handle. I've got to be honest and acknowledge that my strong desire to find a life partner played a part in this misadventure also. Emily just completely shut down on me over the holidays being afraid that telling me her problems would have lead to the result which has now happened. Too much special meaningful time passed without her being a part of it at all. It made me see clearly how a whole lot of circumstances are going to have to come together for her to achieve any sort of real stability. As a friend, I believe I can be of real help to her in this journey. However, I just don't have the ego anymore to think that I have what it takes to deal with someone who just shuts off communication and disappears on someone she loves. She did the wrong thing for the best of reasons. I feel bad about how things went and wish I could turn back the emotional clock somehow. However, whatever spark of love I felt has simply disappeared. It's as simple as it is messy and un fare.

given all that's happened, I find myself in a place where that need for love has taken somewhat more of a back seat. Life has at last reached a point where I can see myself really being content as a single man from here on out. I would still very much hope to find someone stable, cheerful and intelligent to partner with. Having had two ladies show interest in me over this past year, I find that I have a great deal more hope that I will eventually come across a more suitable match for me. I fervently hope that Emily too will eventually find comfort with someone who shares more of her interests, likes Stevie Wonder's music, and doesn't mind the prospect of owning cats among other things. I very much want her to find happiness in life. Sadly, I've simply come to the conclusion that I'm not the one who can give it to her. It looks like we'll be able to stay friends once she's had some time to adjust her feelings toward me. Having that happen with someone who is actually near enough and has the time to come and see me would certainly be a refreshing welcome turn of events. Of course, there's still the question of whether or not to put up my dating profiles. I guess I probably will despite how ineffective they've been. Increasingly, I'm of the opinion that the next one will be someone who I either meet locally, at Lake Joe, or who finds and takes an interest in my blog. I guess the dating profiles can help lead people to that. If nothing else, it'll help me move on a little having left out my welcome cards so to speak. Meanwhile, I have a sense that there's now enough opportunity, meaningful connection and activity in life so that it doesn't feel like there are major pieces missing. I no longer feel so incomplete like a puzzle piece that can't quite slot in anywhere.

At last, it's approaching seven in the morning. That's a far more reasonable hour to shave, shower and prepare for the day. I'm feeling a tad tired but otherwise quite good about things. Writing things down always tends to help me work through stuff. I feel like this blog entry hasn't done these holidays justice. I've had such a wonderful and profoundly meaningful time. What I've captured here seems so inadequate but will simply have to serve. This year has already started off so full of surprises. I've never had a Winter like this which hasn't slowed to a painful crawl of days so similar and devoid of events that they blend into each other. Life really seems to have changed fundamentally for me. I'm very grateful for such changes and the challenge they bring. I know that God has blessed me with the friends and family to see me safely through them one way or another.

Good Times Ahead and Behind

2011-12-14T21:56:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. Figured it was time to put another blog posting up there so readers could move on from the darker heavier last posting. It's been a pretty interesting couple of weeks. Insomnia has struck again rather hard lately. I think perhaps the change of seasons as winter weather starts to arrive may have set it off. Thankfully, I've avoided hitting absolute bottom this time and may even be on the way back upward. Getting my darkest moments written down and out there in the open has been wonderfully cathartic. I hadn't realized how much it had been weighing upon me all this time. I guess it's my way of truly turning the page on things. This year has really been one huge page turner for me.

The forum at the Dam last week went exceedingly well and we had a great discussion on societal expectations and self-worth. Every so often, that kind of thing happens to remind me what hopes I had when I originally volunteered and keep them alive. There won't be any more forums until after the holidays. However, there are a couple more drop ins before Christmas. There's also a Christmas party this week which I'll be attending. It'll be interesting to see how the teens react to that. I haven't gotten the sense that any of them are religious.

Last week, I went to the Mountain Equipment Co-op store in Burlington. I've been thinking of purchasing a travel pack for quite a while now. As it turned out, my parents purchased the pack as my Christmas present for which I'm very grateful. For the record, I ended up with the Sojourn travel pack. There was some confusion about which pack I preferred. I got the one I liked better but didn't realize that due to some mix-up possibly about which racks they were placed on, this pack was the Sojourn rather than the Walkabout. What finally twigged me to this was being completely unable to find any sleeping bag compartment as was mentioned in the Walkabout description. The Sojourn lacks such a compartment. It has internal compression straps which I could use to hold a sleeping bag neatly in the main pack. I've never been great at rolling those so that's going to be helpful. The main pack has plenty of room for stuff. The day pack is roomy enough for my computer gear, water bottle, and other items. I'll use it when I go to the Dam.

It's Tuesday afternoon now. Just had a delicious brunch of bacon and eggs. The week is going pretty well so far. My Christmas shopping is as done as it'll get. I have to get mom and Emily's gifts somewhat closer to the day. This time of year really shows how very different things are for Emily than for me. She wasn't in a very cheerful mood last time I talked with her. That's very understandable given her circumstances. I'm glad she's found somewhere to go on Christmas day. We've just begun the process of getting to know each other and it feels far too early to bring her into a family Christmas. I'm hoping she can join me for my second New Year's party here. That ought to be something special. I can't help but think about and sympathize with her. I'd love to be able to snap my fingers and fix everything for her but that's a process which takes time, love and care. We've decided to keep carefully exploring the possibility of being more than just friends. I'm glad she had a change of heart there. That took courage finding the strength to hope. Things should begin to improve for her in the new year. This is, I hope, the bottom of the painful valley life has forced her into. I very much look forward to trying to help her find a more stable plateau in the months ahead. I've reached a point in life where I'll be alright if a relationship beyond friends doesn't ultimately prove to be in the cards. Here, there's enough to keep me going in life either way. It's a very good position of stability from which to seek companionship even if it somewhat limits prospective partners. If things don't work out for us as more than friends, it'll certainly be painful but nowhere near as devastating as losing Janene was. That has far more to do with the circumstances in which I now find myself than with Emily. She isn't used to seeing herself as of much value or as very intelligent. She is though. I've just begun to scratch the surface there in our conversations. She doesn't have formal educational credentials but she has absorbed an awesome amount of practical street wisdom.

Over the past while, I've gotten to see a number of friends including Adam and his girlfriend Jeanette. It was great spending the day with them despite my insomnia-induced nodding off at one point. They'll likely be at my new year's party. So will Mark and Wendy who I also got to have dinner with here at the apartment. Plans to try a new chicken place fell apart so we ended up cooking dinner and eating here. It's always a treat having them over. A friend from Meadowvale Secondary School has contacted me via Facebook. Patrick and I used to have the odd class together and had some wonderful talks back then. A few of us including Adam and I will hopefully be able to get together with him here in Meadowvale for a small fun reunion. Facebook just keeps proving its worth despite all its hastles.

Today has been very pleasant and busy. It has more than made up for the frustratingly slow and unproductive cession at the Dam yesterday. None of the kids did more than say a quick hi. It was still nice chatting with the staff and volunteers. I got precisely nowhere on the article I'm working on for a future church newsletter. I'm far from giving up on it but it's proving a damnably tough nut to crack. Today started out with the yearly Christmas breakfast in our building. I chatted with a couple of building management staff I had never come across before. Shirley also showed up for a good chunk of it later on. People were very relaxed and things went quite splendidly. A bunch of them recognized me this time. Yet another positive sign that I'm starting to really belong here in this community.

Dad picked me up and we went to a few places. He treats me to beer and I stocked up on Paddock Wood Czech Mate and Sleeman Fine Porter. The Paddock Wood beer is my favourite discovery of the year in that department. It has a different fruity taste that I find very refreshing. One of those things which you'd think wouldn't work but really does. I believe I'll wait until tomorrow or Friday to see how the Sleeman Fine Porter stacks up. Dad and I each had two martinis with lunch. That's plenty of alcohol for one day. Thought I had tried pretty much every Sleeman beer there was but didn't know they made a porter. I'm expecting an excellent and interesting flavour. Sleeman's is about as mainstream as I tend to get with my beer selections but they're not above putting out some nicely unique beers from time to time. I enjoy different beers. All the more when I get to share them with guests.

We had a look around the Dollar store where I came across a gift for little Amia. That was my only remaining missing gift to obtain. Last weekend, I ended up seeing Carine and Kevin for the first time in a while. They had to do some Christmas shopping and I chose to go along. That gave me a chance to grab a few small gifts for certain people who shall remain nameless lest they happen to read my blog. I've been very blessed over this past year and I always enjoy sharing as much of that as is practical with others. Carine has a treadmill which may suit my needs and spacious bedroom admirably. Something to investigate over the next while. Thanks to my grandmother's recent generosity, I can actually afford to pay a little for it. I've wanted one of those in here for quite some time now. I've never felt comfortable listening to headphones in more public environments. This way, I can listen to whatever's on my netbook while exercising and not disturb anybody else. A while ago, I started a savings account which automatically took ten dollars per month from my checking account. I've put around $200 in there from my grandmother's timely gift. That would have taken around two years to save up myself. I'm still not quite at the point where I could purchase a new laptop or something like that if I had to but I'm a ton closer to it than I thought I'd be. My little jewel of a netbook is still holding up wonderfully so I should be there well before it kicks the bucket.

For brunch at the Symposium Cafe, I decided to try their barbecued chicken dinner. It didn't disappoint. The chicken was delicious and they do very enjoyable vegetables and roasted potatoes to go with it. Definitely something I'll have again. Dad's still got a bit of his cold but it seems like he's getting better. He's thrilled with his iPAD and has picked up some games for my nieces to play on it when he visits them.

The groceries arrived in good time this afternoon. One new experiment I'm trying is fair trade chocolate. Ken's lecture on how most of the world's chocolate gets its coco struck a nerve with more than just me. Don't know how effective it was for the teens but it got me thinking twice about buying my usual Mars bars. I decided to try Coco Camino chocolate bars and bought two hundred-gram ones. Thankfully, they're divided into small squares making rationing easier. It makes chocolate more of an expense and reduces how much I eat at once. We'll see how that goes over the next while. It's a small gesture in the grand scheme of things but I feel better for trying. I got almost everything I ordered. There were four substitutions which were perfectly fine with me. I am, however, disappointed that they didn't have Kind Bars this time. I've come to very much enjoy those as a healthy if somewhat pricey snack once in a while. I especially like the almond coconut ones. Despite that tiny disappointment, I'm very well stocked for the holiday period ahead. Far more so than a number of people I know. It's certainly an interesting place full of many oddities that society has seen fit to stick me in. I very much hope that history remembers me as a man who counted and shared his blessings. ODSP only works as well as it does for me because of a number of fortunate circumstances which attend my life and not others on the system. Chief among those circumstances are a stable supportive family and a wonderful cast of friends new and old. Also, I really lucked out beyond my wildest hopes with subsidized housing after ten years of life in limbo. I can't imagine a more perfect place for me to live short of Heaven itself. In many ways, I'm a profoundly lucky man.

I've been re-reading Robert J. Sawyer's The Terminal Experiment over the past few days. It's neat to read a book about a year you've lived through that was written around a decade earlier. That book is just as profound as his WWW trilogy which I've just finished at last. That guy has so much hope for the future. I'd love to meet him some day. His books seem to pass that optimistic perspective on to their readers. He sets me a very fine example as I write this blog, work on other creative projects, and conduct my extraordinary life.

Tomorrow, I'll be attending the Dam's annual Christmas party during the evening. The fire alarm tests will make the next couple of days very un conducive to lengthy writing of any sort. I'll use them as an opportunity to catch up with news and also with my favourite podcasts which have been very neglected this past half year or so. Perhaps, this trove of countless unheard hours of listening material is one of the largest testaments of just how much life has changed for me over the past year. Like good friends, I know they're waiting and ready if I should need them again. In particular, I feel a tad guilty for missing episodes of Spark and From Our Own Correspondents. How appropriate. Winamp, in its infinite random wisdom, has just picked out Step By Step sung by Huey Lewis & The News. A perfect song for my reflections. Life is going great right now. Not perfect. I don't live in some sort of faerie tale. There are plenty of limitations, thwarted desires and frustrations. When you get right down to it though, they're the friction that keeps everything real. As 2011 comes to a close, I find myself in a wonderful groove. My efforts have paid off in splendid fashion and there's plenty of scope for action. Lots to learn, enjoy, and do. How appropriate. Winamp has now picked out Vanessa Williams Oh How the Years go By. Inspiring music, both pop and instrumental, is certainly one of the many blessings I count. This song once caused me to painfully dwell on not finding a soul mate with whom I could face life's ups and downs. Now, it gives me hope of doing so while causing me to reflect on the many friends I've found to share my adventures with. Hope, effort and patience really do pay off. I keenly look forward to what 2012 brings.

Ending it All

2011-11-28T04:25:00.002-05:00

Ending It All

In general, people seem to think of me as a patient, cheerful, easy-going guy who usually finds the bright side in situations. Some see me as in fact too optimistic and patient. There was a brief time, however, when these qualities had utterly failed in me. A short time when I was so miserable and devoid of hope that I seriously contemplated ending my life. I never wrote about it afterwards for many reasons. Chief among them was the wish not to cause my friends and family any more pain than was necessary. The period of which I write lasted only a couple of days. Not long at all unless you happen to be seriously contemplating causing your own death.

One of the ways I try to contribute something meaningful and be productive is to share my life story. Such an account would be incomplete if I chose, as most people likely wood, to leave this darkest and most shameful of mental journeys buried in a dingy forgotten corner of my memory. Writing all this down hasn't been fun. It has already led to some hard conversations with people including my father who, naturally enough, had to examine things in detail and try to understand what had brought me to this point. We always want to close the barn door after the horse has left. It's human nature. I know I'm in for more such awkward discussions once this gets out there. I felt compelled to write about this darkest of times in my life for a few reasons. First of all, I sincerely hope that my own brush with thoughts of suicide might in some way serve to help others avoid actually going through with it. If I could find a way up from the bottom of despair, perhaps you will also find the strength to keep hoping , working, and waiting for change. At the time I contemplated ending my life, there seemed absolutely no prospect of meaningful change at all. Finding a way to restore my sense of contentment, purpose and direction just didn't seem at all possible. And yet, despite no job, tight money and no marriage, I'm reasonably content and happy these days. I also hope that my journey to rock bottom serves to illustrate just how important healthy communities actually are. There have to be more ways for marginalized people like me to find meaningful contributive places within communities which allow us to earn both self-respect and that of others. It can't be all about how much money you make. That's incredibly un fare when you're denied the opportunity to make any. There's also a lesson here about how dangerous it can be to put all of one's eggs in a basket which could be kicked away. That's a mistake I never intend to make again for anyone.

Janene had been the light of my life for over two years. For a large portion of that time, we had been engaged. At last it seemed like all my values and efforts had truly counted for something beyond family and friendship. I may not have been able to find a job, but I had at last found a woman who truly loved and valued me enough to want to make a commitment that would change my life. This was what I had longed for even more than I wanted someone to let me into the job market. To at last escape the confines of a society and disability support system which had essentially locked me into an extended isolated childhood. To finally get into a commitment where I could really have a positive impact on someone very dear to me and live something akin to a "normal" Canadian life as I saw it. I wasn't looking for a free ride. Precisely the opposite in fact. I fully expected to cook, clean, and do whatever else I could to make life better for both of us. I didn't want to be pitied. I wanted to actually matter to someone other than my family. I wanted to live life with someone around my age who actually enjoyed going places with me and experiencing new things together. Someone to really build a lifetime of memories with and share all the ups and downs. Marriage is one of the few vocations with wiggle-room enough for insomnia, writer's block and a propensity to disorientation particularly when travelling outdoors. I've always had a sense that I could give more to others in the realm of friendship and relationship.

That seemed finally to be on the verge of happening. We had discussed all the major issues, been completely up front with each other about everything. My friends and family were fully behind us. Unlike my previous marriage which was, in hindsight, entered into on very shaky grounds, things would be different this time. We had done quite a lot together, shared a lot of fun and even some tougher times. We built enough love and trust to become engaged and start seriously planning for a future together. And then, on an Easter Monday, all that was decisively ripped away from me in the space of around an hour as she broke the news to me over our last coffee together. She no longer wanted to marry me. It was like someone had come along with a perverse sort of chainsaw and cut away my future. My recollections of that last evening together are still somewhat fragmented. I was so hurt I could barely think.

The pain of losing a love built up over time with care is indescribable. It devastated me beyond words. Life had suddenly gone from seeming full of hope and possibility to being utterly empty. Looking ahead, I saw years and years passing with agonizing slowness leading absolutely nowhere. What creativity I had would dry up in the face of continued stagnation. There would simply be nothing worth writing about anymore. I needed to somehow find a way to start relating to wider society despite my major difficulties in actually getting anywhere on my own. All I had to offer; my patience, thoughtfulness, ability to see more than one point of view, my compassion, my skills, my honesty.. Everything I was just wouldn't get me connected with others in a permanent, constructive and meaningful way. I'd never get an opportunity to show anybody who could really change things for the better what I could do. My willingness to work or even volunteer my time hadn't mattered a damn to anybody. Now, I saw that neither had my willingness to love. It didn't matter how hard I tried. It simply wasn't ever going to be enough for anybody to give me more than a casual friendship or the odd thank you email.

While waiting for subsidized housing, you're in no position to be making long-term commitments unless it's to a full time job or living arrangement which gets you right off the system and eliminates your need for it. They can't tell you where you are on the list since you may be bumped down by people in greater need. For example, priority is understandably given to people in abusive or otherwise dangerous situations. There's no way to know whether you'll be waiting for years or that something won't come up tomorrow. Being stuck in this limbo living like a child with my parents was very frustrating but thankfully not at all physically or mentally dangerous. Finding out that you don't have the skills to get hired, have tremendous difficulty navigating and are pretty much housebound unassisted, can't even find anywhere in the community to volunteer your time let alone socialize; That's downright soul-destroying. People who look at us and say things like "He should get a job." or "They're so lucky. They can sleep in as late as they want and we pay for it." have no idea at all what they're talking about. Had there been door-to-door transportation, I would have cheerfully volunteered at a distress centre or helping newcomers learn English. Presuming it was moral and reasonably safe, I would have done damned near anything just for a sense of belonging and productivity whether you paid me or not. Had it been possible to flip burgers, deliver pizza or clean out sewage pipes, I would have done it. There just aren't any starting jobs that I could find. That's how an honest intelligent man can end up in his mid thirties with around six months work experience. Everywhere seemed to either want long-term commitments I couldn't make in good conscience or be impractical to get to for me. Everyone passed the buck to someone else. Since I had no problem physically walking, I couldn't qualify for any sort of door to door transportation. People expected the Canadian National Institute for the Blind to do everything for us. That was never their mandate at all. They tried to fill in the incredible gap left by a community unwilling to take the time to understand what slight accommodations they might have made to unleash our potential as participative citizens. Cutbacks and changes have stripped a lot of the more social community-building aspects away over the years. Everything is becoming more centralized and volunteer positions once held by blind people have been replaced by paid sighted people. For an organization who reportedly help the blind, they certainly don't hire a lot of us. The result was a vicious social and employment Catch22 there now seemed no way out of. Getting married had pretty much been my only remaining real hope of breaking out of it. There seemed no chance at all that the painful lessons I had learned during my first attempt at married life would ever be put to good use.

Time after time, I would get just enough experience with an element of adult life to appreciate its meaning and then, it would be snatched away from me. Graduating with my degree from university had been a golden moment. I had earned my BA and still kept my head on well enough to have made a lot of friends. Only then did I discover just how situational all those friendships were. There wasn't even a graduation celebration of any kind. We all just went our separate ways and never looked back. The only full time job I ever had ended due to the company going bankrupt after a mere five months. Once again, the new life and friends just melted away. My marriage had lasted five years failing due to many circumstances including the endless wait for affordable housing. And yet, they contained enough good times for me to understand just how much difference to one's sense of self esteem and place in the world that a steady job and a stable, lasting, healthy relationship makes. Love and companionship were things that were truly worth taking risks for. Janene and I seemed to be heading for a far more stable and healthy marriage full of possibilities. I had come to feel fantastic about being her faience and looked forward to being her husband. I had started making real inroads with her circle of friends and looked ahead to getting to know them further. Now, all of that was torn away from me. I was so damned tired of finding myself with nothing but pain to show for all my troubles. By walking away after saying so often that she wouldn't, she had brought all of my anguish and sense of worthlessness to society to the surf ice.

I felt absolutely powerless. There was no individual upon whom I could justifiably unleash my anger. Even Janene wasn't deserving of any sort of vengeance. Society should have been able to offer me more in life to participate in and hold on to than it had. Intelligence, honesty, cheerfulness, loyalty; all these things damned well should have counted for more. I should have had some sense that my efforts in life were of value to people and leading somewhere, but there were no such indications at all outside the relationship with Janene. That situation wasn't her fault. It was due to a whole host of circumstances, attitudes towards disabled people and societal decisions stretching back for ages. These decisions and attitudes plus my disabilities had conspired to place me in a kind of cage. From this physically comfortable cage, I could hear everyone else going about their lives full of meaning and social substance. More than that, I could hear them complain about how tired, over-worked, and busy they all were. I would have cheerfully walked away from just about anything I owned and done pretty much anything morally acceptable in order to get a real honest crack at living that kind of life. I couldn't break out of the cage on my own. No one was willing to make the kind of commitment necessary to actually open the cage for me. Not even someone who had been deeply in love with me. If she had been ultimately unwilling to, was there realistically any hope of anybody else doing so? I thought not.

The cognitive dissonance I faced through most of my adult life after graduating university was bad enough to deal with. Now, after a wonderful reprieve, it was back for business and magnified tremendously. Cognitive dissonance happens when events in life don't match one's expectations or when one holds opposing beliefs. For instance, a police officer thinks of himself as a good man, but he has had to kill someone in the line of duty. That can really psychologically tare some of them up. My sudden reversal of fortune thrust me into a very dark and different place beyond any mental upheaval I had previously known. All my disappointment and anger had nowhere to go. The glass had gone from brimming full to not only half empty but cracked near the bottom. It's a very dismal spot to occupy emotionally. There should have been more to life, but there wasn't. There should have been places to go, things to do, and people to see, but there simply weren't. Suicide is by nature one of the most selfish acts one can contemplate. You reach a point where you just want the pain to stop and you almost can't care about those you leave behind past a certain point. Now, I struggled with the horrid cognitive dissonance of very much caring about friends and family but still considering committing an action that I knew would cause tremendous pain to them. It seemed like the only possible way to escape the pain I was feeling. I dimly knew that there were people in the world in far worse circumstances than I was. However, my sense of overall perspective which had been marvelled at and remarked upon by many people was almost completely subsumed by grief at what I had lost and anger at the world. It was flat out impossible to concentrate on reading, writing or anything. Nothing would give me any relief. There was no getting away from the situation.

Short of offering absolute incontrovertible proof that life would be less solitary and very different from that point on, I don't think anyone else could have made me pause and reconsider. In an attempt to show that they care, people will say all sorts of things like "Someone else will come along." or "Things will get better." I had heard all that utter bullshit before a great many times. I knew people meant well by saying things like that, but frankly, they just gave me an increased sense that everyone was passing the buck and would continue to do so. You hear that stuff so much that you find yourself wishing you could inflict what you're facing upon them and give the whole world a taste so that you might at last truly be understood. Unless someone was prepared to actually volunteer to be a girlfriend who would keep her word and marry me or an employer who saw enough worth in me to offer me an honest shot at life, there was simply nothing they could do to actually be of meaningful assistance. Perhaps, a cool couple of million dollars would have been enough to get me to think that life could change drastically enough. Then again, I had heard Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins in The Edge. That film illustrates pretty clearly that being incredibly wealthy tends to have some substantial drawbacks when you want people to appreciate you for who you are rather than what you have. I needed something major to change. There was simply no prospect that anybody I knew could or would make that happen. It didn't seem very likely that I would get to know anybody new either. The only change I could at all reasonably hope for was a change in my own frame of mind. Barring stupendously unlikely intervention, I had painted myself into a hopeless mess that only I could get myself out of.

God would certainly not approve of me killing myself. I knew that but at that point, I didn't care what he thought. I was furious beyond words with him for creating a fucked up society where people like me could just be tossed aside, our compassion and potential simply left to slowly rot away like surplus fruit. The bible couldn't help me out of this one. I wasn't anywhere near a state where anything from that book could reach me. My faith seemed entirely unjustified. If I was going to back off from this and stick around, God would have to reach me in a more worldly way. I also didn't turn to family or friends with these suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to find myself in some sort of institution or anything like that. I knew inside myself that I had to find my own way out of this somehow. Also, it wasn't my friends and family's fault that things had turned out this way. If there had been anything they could have done to make such concrete positive differences in my life, they would have done so years ago. They couldn't understand the pain I was in now and saw no end to. My parents had worked most of their lives and had been able to find what community and social outlets they needed. How could they possibly grasp the sense of utter futility and heartbreak I now faced? My reality simply differed too drastically from what they had known. Laying my suicidal thoughts on their plates would only make things harder for them since there wasn't anything they could do to put me in a better overall position.

My thoughts turned to how to go about the inevitably painful business of suicide in as ethical, dignified and non-painful a way as possible. As angry with society as I was, I had no wish to cause friends or family any more pain than I would when they realized that their efforts weren't enough to prevent me from such a drastic step. Anger and bitter disappointment have a way of short-circuiting one's rational thinking about the consequences of one's actions on others. One tends to focus on the immediate details and situation almost exclusively. I had some vague notion that everyone would get over my leaving them eventually. I would only become more of a burden as continued stagnation made me more bitter, angry and depressed. Far better that I punch out now before things took such a dive as to completely rob me of any self-control at all. I was doing everyone a kind of horrid favour. That was how I rationalized it.

I knew of no high buildings or cliffs I could get to on my own so that method was out of the question. Truth to tell, smashing onto the ground from a great height has always struck me as a somewhat messy and ignominious way of departing from the land of the living. You never knew who might be at the wrong place at the wrong time. It could be some kid who finds you and is traumatized for life at the sight of what gravity can do to a body. I didn't want that. There was also no way to obtain a gun with which to shoot myself. Even had there been, Stephen King had written a short story in which the narrator had eloquently outlined what a chancy method of killing oneself a shot to the head actually was. I had gotten to know a mentally challenged fellow in secondary school who had been in a car accident. He remembered clearly what it was like to be able to think normally but could do so no longer. The thought of permanent but survivable brain damage creeped me out. Apparently, chances of this sort of outcome are pretty high presuming you actually survived the shot. In any case, obtaining a gun was pretty much out of the question. I couldn't get one legally as a blind man in Canada. The criminal world had never been a part of my life either so that route was out. Getting run over by a vehicle was out too. I had no wish to traumatize some poor driver despite what a tremendous hindrance a lack of affordable door-to-door transportation had been and still is in my life. Thinking about my rib cage being crushed also repelled me from that notion. While a little disorder can be downright comforting and make a place feel lived in, I've never gone in for serious extraneous mess. Poison was also out of the question. I had read and heard a lot about how chancy a process that actually is. I doubtless could have found something around the house but had visions of finding myself in some hospital getting my stomach pumped and having suffered some sort of permanent damage or other. I didn't like the idea of my parents finding my body. That thought bothered me quite a bit but I couldn't think of a process short of complete disintegration which would get them around that. One couldn't just disappear very easily.

There were only two methods which seemed both likely enough to work and at all tidy or dignified. The first was cutting myself with a sharp knife to the point where I bled to death. I figured that if I did that in a bathtub and thought through the blood flow enough, things would hopefully remain somewhat contained. The second method which seemed preferable almost from the start was to put a plastic bag over my head tightly and lay down in the tub with my head under water. I had read of some famous writer or other who had done this. It seemed perfect in the sense that it was tidy and as ethical as one could get with the whole idea of premature self-inflicted death. The spec tor of what horrid sensations and thoughts I might experience while asphyxiating certainly gave me pause but not nearly so much as the other methods above. There was no chance of a terrible un contained mess resulting. I also liked the fact that it left me firmly in control for as long in the process as my mind was capable of exercising such. I could always rip the bag off my head or failing that, claw a hole in it with teeth or fingernails if I changed my mind. Hopeless as I was, I didn't like the idea of finding that I actually didn't ultimately want to die but having no way to save myself. If I was going to make a final exit, I wanted it to be clearly my choice and on my own terms unlike so much of my life had been. Visions of bleeding out uncontrollably were therefore none too appealing in more ways than one.

The other major objection to using a knife was more a problem of ethics. The sharpest knives in the house had been sold to my parents by my good friend Adam during a brief stint as a knife salesman. I was very surprised when he actually managed to convince my father that they'd be a good addition to the house. He's not a very easy sell even when it comes to far less costly items than Cut co knives. I had no doubt whatsoever that one of those knives would be sharp enough to do the job. However, if I used one, what would it do to Adam if he ever found out that his successful sale was so intimately connected with the death of his friend? He certainly had enough on his plate without throwing that nasty curve at him in addition to dealing with my death. He had been a very good friend to me for well over a decade and been best man at my wedding. It would have been cruel and selfish of me. Even in my hopeless despair, I saw that clearly. The direct connection was so simple that it cut right through my own suffering unlike other equally valid but more complex objections. If I did X, a good man who had befriended me would suffer for it.

Coming to that conclusion was what started me thinking back on all the ethics and philosophy classes I had taken while obtaining my BA degree. The professors I had were all very thoughtful and interesting. I have a lot of fond memories of those lectures. Wistfully, I thought back to those days when life hadn't yet showed me so very plainly how isolated and apart from my peers I would find myself. I remembered one professor presenting a situation where you were in a dark theatre seeing a movie after just picking up a new switchblade knife. Becoming bored, you decide to see how sharp your new knife is and plunge it into the back of the chair ahead of you. It kills the person sitting in that chair who happens to be your best friend. That's the last thing you would have wanted to happen. Are you as culpable for the murder as someone who actually planned to kill your best friend? How do we know what we know? Given that all of our senses are fallible as are our minds, is anything we take to be reality actually certain? There had been so many interesting lectures and discussions. Suddenly, vapid as the ghost I had contemplated becoming, there he stood in my memory.

Tourist Jim is on a vacation in South America. Walking along one day, he comes upon a village. This place has clearly been the sight of unrest. Curiosity gets the better of caution and he proceeds into the village. There, he comes across the dictator of the small country and a large contingent of soldiers. A line of twenty men are up against a wall. The dictator is about to order his soldiers to shoot all of them when Jim comes into view. The dictator decides to make Jim an offer. If Jim takes a gun and kills one of the prisoners, the dictator will spare the remaining nineteen. What should Jim do?

My professor gave us this problem at the start of the class and let us wrestle with it for the entire hour. As one might expect, we all tried to find a way not to have to make the choice presented. Shooting the dictator was suggested right off the bat. The professor had a ready answer for every suggestion the class could come up with. He could have run a splendid Dungeons and Dragons campaign. If Jim shoots the dictator, the dictator's loyal soldiers will carry out his last orders shooting all twenty prisoners in addition to Jim. If Jim refuses or walks away, all twenty prisoners will die. If Jim shoots himself, all twenty prisoners will die. The prof never missed a beet as the class pulled out all the stops desperate to find an ethical way out of the box.

Once any possibility of avoiding making the choice had been ruled out, the discussion then turned to who Jim would choose. Not one member of the class felt at peace with simply killing one person to save the rest. Neither did we feel easy about doing nothing and thereby condemning everyone to die. The professor next started dangling possible answers in front of us. What if a very old man stepped forward to volunteer to be shot? Surely, it would be acceptable to shoot him so that those with longer left to live would be spared. The class seemed as alright with this as it was possible to be with the prospect of killing any innocent person until the professor asked: What if that old man, had he been spared, inspired his grandchild to do something extraordinary? Hadn't any of us been inspired by older members of society to straighten out our lives, be better citizens, etc? Was it at all proper for us to attempt to make a judgement about the value of the lives of complete strangers based solely on such things as the length of time one had left to live? What about our own lives? Even with our intimate knowledge of ourselves, could we ever really say that our lives were of no further value before they had run their natural span?

I remember leaving that class with a new appreciation of just how precious each life was and what a rotten job it must be to have to make decisions which you knew would or even might result in the deaths of others. I don't think I was the only one who left in a very contemplative sombre mood. Every now and then, I would remember Tourist Jim and his dilemma as I went about my business. Unlike a lot else which has long since drifted out of mind, that problem and others like it continue to inform how I choose to live. Facing that dilemma was a far more formative moment for me than I realized at the time. Looking back, I can see now how it changed me increasing my tendency to advocate for those who the world deems forgettable or expendable.

Tourist Jim made me ask some new questions of myself. How could I be so certain that I might not be that old man who inspired greatness or made a critical difference to people in some other way years later? Certainly, I had every likely hood of having any semblance of real adult life as I saw it delayed further probably by years. However, if nothing else happened first, my turn for affordable housing would eventually come up. I would then be somewhere that I could think of as my own place in a community where I could set down roots without fear of being swept off somewhere else. At some point, the un fare stalemate I found myself in would be broken at least a little. I just had to hang on somehow until that happened. Things would indeed get at least a little better in time.

Thus it was that my life was first put in danger by a woman who loved me but walked away, and then quite possibly saved by a dilemma faced by a completely fictitious character. Thanks to Tourist Jim, I stopped asking whether I should end my life. Right then and there, it became obvious to me that I had to stick around for the full duration. I would never again seriously consider an early exit no matter how bad things got. Having looked once down that dark passage, I knew that it wasn't really an escape at all. Even in my deep despair, I saw that I simply cared too much about others and the pain it would cause them to go through with any sort of early exit. There's also the issue of instinctive self-preservation. Did you notice how I turned away from methods which were too messy or uncontrolled? Strangely, I didn't think I had any real wish to keep on living; Didn't realize how even in those dark moments, part of me was looking for a reason not to go ahead at all. Had I actually attempted to kill myself, I don't think I could have overcome that. When push really comes to shove, I'm not the suicidal type. It just took being smashed against rock bottom for me to know that for certain.

The journey back upwards from rock bottom has been pretty uneven. Until last November, I don't think it would have been wise for me to attempt to write all this down. Things had certainly gotten more enjoyable long before then but there were bleak relapses when there was just too much time with nothing in it. Before some pretty substantial changes had taken place, looking back at that dark time may well have set me up for serious depression. How have I gotten from that horrible frame of mind to the happy and mainly contented emotional space I now occupy? The full scoop is in my blog for the really curious. Here's the short version for the rest of you.

Things started out slowly with two phone calls. One was to my orientation and mobility instructor. If I was going to be stuck at my parents' house for much longer, I needed to take a stab at learning to get somewhere. As things turned out, the first objective I focused on was getting to Symposium Cafe, the very place where Janene and I had broken up. It took months of training, but going there on my own for the first time with the help of my Trekker Breeze was a very big if lonely milestone. I reclaimed that place from the ashes of a once promising future and made it part of the one I still actually had. I never have met any new friends there as I once hoped I would. However, it continues to be a place where I like to bring the ones I've found elsewhere. I don't go there alone much at all anymore. The staff are great and so is the food, but there's that empty space near me which simply ought not to be. I save my money for when there are one or more other people to go out with.

The other call I made was to the Meadowvale Christian Reformed Church. Somehow, I needed to reconnect with God and have the ghost of a chance of connecting meaningfully with other people. I had to turn a new page and become involved even if it would all be taken away at some future date when housing finally became available. The church proved to be a very welcoming place right from day one. The pastor was very wise, compassionate and thoughtful. I soon found myself getting to know some very good and friendly people who had room in their lives for the different and extraordinary.

Family and friends stuck with me through my dip into despair and did whatever they could to keep my spirits up. It took a bit for me to discover that they had always valued me as a single man even if I myself had briefly lost that capacity. Not only was the glass undamaged, but it still actually had a good deal of water in it. The Summer after Janene left was a pretty long and empty one but contained some interesting excursions including a trip to Chicago. There were other smaller milestones. The songs that had been too painful to hear for months after Janene left became enjoyable once again and were re-introduced to my hard drive. There were over a hundred of them which could stop me in my tracks and bring all the frustration and memories back. Those songs were once again mine to enjoy with the hope of better times ahead. A small thing, but an important step. As my nieces got older, my relationship with them, my brother and his wife grew stronger. Being a good uncle became more of a cornerstone of life. So too did helping my mother and father deal with technology and computers.

Eventually, after a ten year wait which helped destroy my marriage, I was given a subsidized apartment in the same area where I had lived with my parents. The steps I had taken to become less isolated weren't just going to disappear on me after all. I could build on them. Having a proper home is so much more than having one's own place. That in itself proved to be a somewhat bitter discovery. I had somewhere to invite people to, but getting them to actually come and form friendships proved a more difficult process than I had expected. Particularly for extroverts like me, it's critical that we find people around us to get to know. That took far longer than it should have. I still found myself going through the major part of many weeks where there was no face to face interaction with anybody. Over time though, meaningful friendships started forming. There was Shirley, an English lady around my parents' age who liked going for walks around the lake with me. Joseph, a cheerful if conflicted gay pun-loving Scrabble player who gave me rides to and from church quickly moved from being an acquaintance to a friend. So two did Doug and his mischievous wife Nan who wrote "If you can read this, then God has performed a miracle" on a notepad stuck to my fridge. The message was discovered the next day when my friends Mark and Wendy came over to visit and saw it. To date, other than through the wondering laughter of occasional guests, I never have.

My first New Year's party in this apartment was another very meaningful milestone. We all had a good time despite their being no corkscrew. It brought some of my old friends together with a few new ones for a long evening and night of good discussion and happiness. There was Stephen, a blind friend of mine since grade school who now looked forward to a trip of a lifetime. he would soon be off to India to volunteer at a school for the blind. Joseph was there having fun with the first audio arcade game he had ever experienced and meeting some of my other friends. So were Adam and his girlfriend, a very welcome thoughtful new acquaintance. Shirley even dropped in after returning from another New Year's celebration elsewhere. She came to her blind friend's apartment hoping to borrow, of all things, a flashlight. I have every reason to hope that the next New Year's gathering I have here will be even more memorable. If nothing else, we won't find ourselves short of a corkscrew.

Gradually, I had become more familiar with the local area. Now that I had a permanent place of residence, it became worth the high investment in time and effort to do so. This finally made it possible for me to volunteer at the Dam, a place where troubled youth can hang out and hopefully be influenced to make good choices in their lives. Circumstances had at last permitted me to make a two-year commitment in good conscience and get to the place on my own for most of the year. My parents and new friends like Shirley were willing to help when it became too dangerous in the Winter for me to walk there and back. Connecting with the teens has been pretty slow going. I've sat through a lot of hours where I might as well have been on the moon as there. However, I've gotten to know the staff and other volunteers. Once in a while, I think I've even managed to do some good for the teens I'm supposed to be there to help. Not the most productive use of my skills and talents, but it at least gets me out of the apartment once a week to a place where there are possibilities.

The online world also began to regain its place and value in life. A friend I hadn't seen since secondary school tweeted that the Chilean miners were about to be rescued. Thanks to Twitter, for once in my life, I was able to tune in and watch the drama unfold with the rest of the world. Sad that it took a near fatal disaster to get me in tune with everyone else, but there you are. Listening to Internet radio and becoming involved with the communities which grew up around the various shows brought me further back from the edge. There was the May long worldend experience which saw me up at two A.M. participating in Jonathan Mosen's doomsday celebration. At that virtual shindig, I discovered that it didn't matter that we were all so physically far away from each other. It still felt damned good to be a part of something special with people I had come to know if only at a distance. Another couple who I had lost touch with around a decade ago found me on Facebook. Hard as I find that site to use with my screen-reader, it does have a way of allowing people from the past to come into your present. I've enjoyed some wonderful hours getting reacquainted with them and helping them with computer issues. It helps them get more out of life and helps me feel valued.

I had lost my sense of progress and motivation for quite some time without realizing it. I had become so disconnected that thoughts of working on my book or creating Enchantment's Twilight seemed almost silly. What good could they possibly do anybody in a world which seemed so hell-bent on ridding itself of permanent relationships and cohesive communities where people felt like they mattered? Over this past Summer, my sense of community engagement and optimism was increased by a number of events. It was easily the best Summer I've ever had. From a great vacation at Lake Joseph to a multiethnic church conference in the US to a trip to Canada's Wonderland with two friends I had chanced upon while out for a walk, it seemed like everything that should have been happening while I was in my twenties was at last starting to happen now in my mid thirties. On Canada Day, I was even able to go out on my own with the help of my Trekker Breeze GPS device and enjoy fireworks in a park near my building. I can't begin to describe just how liberating that experience was. Things had really changed for the better in a fundamental way. More importantly, so had I.

No longer was I willing to head off anywhere. I had managed to find a home worth keeping, sharing and adding to. A place built of people who saw past no job and no marriage and tight money I couldn't earn. People who saw my true value as a person even when I had lost sight of it myself. That's not something I'll walk away from lightly if ever. My purpose is now very clear. The autobiographical book and game are worthy goals but are really just means to a larger end. Above and beyond everything else, that end is to help disillusioned people to see the intrinsic value within themselves and in each other. It's to try and live out an example of why it's important to be included and to include others in a greater community. I do have a kind and just boss. His name is God. I'm on his payroll for life. First and foremost, he cares about the relationships I have with others. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

There's still plenty of stuff on my bucket list. I hope to be married one day to someone who appreciates me and adds to my life here. More than likely, it'll be to somebody else facing one or more disabilities. I haven't given up on sighted women entirely. There are certainly some out there who look for inner strengths rather than external assets. However, they do seem to be quite rare. At my age, I find that most who find me interesting at all have already been spoken for. It's one area where I've left things in God's hands. Having a positive impact on a community is something I'm at last in a position to actually be doing. It feels damned good. I still hope to eventually find ways of doing more in the local community and less online if possible. However, if that proves unfeasible, I believe I'll still manage to give a good account of myself productively speaking. I seem to have reached a point of critical mass where I can find enough ways to help friends who I can actually get together with so that I don't feel quite so damned disconnected anymore. Regarding travel, things are starting to look somewhat more positive. This is definitely the case when it comes to local travel. I've met some friends who are interested to take me along with them to various places. I'll have to watch my spending but am likely to get around a lot more than I have previously. Perhaps, either with family or through the church, more distant travel may even prove possible.

Things have most definitely turned a corner for me. A corner of changed expectations and newfound contentment with who I am as a person. People will say that not having others see your value is their loss rather than your problem. I know what they're getting at, but can't fully agree. We all come to a point where we need to discover our own intrinsic value. My sense of intrinsic value had certainly been lost and I had to rediscover it. However, consider Sherlock Holmes. He knew himself to be a very gifted and talented man. He wasn't at all humble or bashful about his abilities. Despite that, he had to resort to drugs when things weren't interesting enough for him. He once asked of Watson what good having powers of detection were if there was no field on which to exercise them. Minus any desire for drugs, I found myself very much in the same situation. I knew I could give a whole lot to people given the right circumstances. There was simply no way to connect the dots and bring them about. That's an ongoing problem that I may face for the rest of my life. A problem not so much solved as reduced to a dull roar I can live with. I've found enough to enjoy life with what I have and hope for better things to come.

A big part of maturing as a person is learning to maximize the hand you're dealt making the best of what is within one's reach. It's about adjusting expectations as much as it is about trying to better one's prospects. My life certainly isn't anywhere even close to the template for successful that society sets out and that I had once fully subscribed to. Barring any big changes, I'll be giving away my life's work rather than selling it. In current circumstances, it would be crazy of me to try. A steady, stable and secure job would be the only sensible move that would give enough stability. Those seem like things belonging increasingly more to the past than to even the present let alone tomorrow. I'm as secure and well off here as I'm ever likely to be. There are a lot of restrictions the absurdity of which would horrify people if they took the trouble to educate themselves. On the other side of the coin though, I've been blessed in many ways. There are a lot of reasons for me to be profoundly thankful. I have absolute freedom regarding my time and where to direct my effort. I have a close family and some very good friends. Once in a while, being different does expose you to unusual opportunities. Over the years, I've been on television a number of times, met some famous people, touched exhibits you're normally not allowed to, had time enough to write a fifty-thousand-word guide to help blind people who own accessible computers, and published an online magazine. Increasingly, as I release more of my writing and interact with the online and offline community, I'm becoming more known and less feared. There's a real hesitation among the fully able-bodied to take the time to get to know disabled people. That can take quite a while to even begin to dissipate. It takes more than casual encounters although they play an important part. If you're on the lookout for ways to be of help to people, opportunities will eventually present themselves. Things will eventually open up and get better. When you live an extraordinary life, finding one's own stride and balance can also take longer. Extraordinary tends to lead to lonely and excluded far more than it ought to. Despite that, such a life as I've found is most emphatically worth the living.

Review of King of Dragon Pass for the iPHONE

2011-11-02T08:19:00.001-04:00

Review of King of Dragon Pass
Game available from the iPHONE app store for $9.95 regular price
Produced by A-Sharp Software
www.a-sharp.com/kodp
Fully playable without sighted assistance.
Reviewed by Michael Feir
Rating: 9/10

*Introduction:

The Apple iPHONE has certainly taken the blind community to an unparalleled level of affordable accessibility. Its built-in Voiceover screen-reader has managed to turn a flat-screen device into one of the most useful gadgets I've ever owned. Years ago, I had bought King of Dragon Pass for the PC only to discover that it was completely unplayable without sighted assistance. The text was printed in a way my screen readers couldn't detect. There was also a map to explore which required a mouse and sighted help to manage. Worse yet, in a painful paradox, the game required continuous reading as it was mostly text-based. Any sighted people I found who would try the game with me would very quickly lose patience having to read everything out loud. Now, thanks to the ingenuity and inclusiveness of the iPHONE, I am able to fully enjoy this unique game experience.

Let's be clear. This is a game made for a sighted audience first. There's artwork on the screen and the map to be explored. Things are set up to be easy for sighted players to scroll around when they need to. However, for those who have the patience to explore the screen, every element of the game has been made accessible thanks to the Voiceover screen-reader and the efforts of programmers at A-Sharp Software. The developers continue to update the game and have proved very responsive to peoples' reports of issues they faced while playing using Voiceover. There have been several updates since its release and they have included improvements for Voiceover users as well as other additions to the game like new scenes. At this point, the game is fully playable for blind people who have patience and recognize that due to its visual nature, there are some quirks to be wrestled with from time to time. If you can live with that, then get ready for a brilliant game where a flexible but cohesive narrative takes centre stage. Blind players may not be able to appreciate the artwork, but for a very refreshing change, we aren't left out of the picture.

*The Interface:

As I say, there are some quirks. One of these which I think is ultimately favourable is that the game must be played in landscape mode with the home button on the left or right. Presumably, this makes things like scrolling around the map somewhat easier. Familiarizing yourself with the screen layout is essential for this game. For instance, when the menu is toggled on, it goes across the top of the screen. I used to have all sorts of trouble getting to it reliably until I figured this out. Hitting the "menu" button toggles the menu on or off. It makes a slightly different sound when it's on. KODP uses ordinary controls familiar to Voiceover users. You can flick left and right to go between options and double-tap to select them. You can also scroll around the map with a three-finger flick in the direction desired. The map is much larger than a single iPHONE screen so you'll need to do this eventually. One issue is that dialogues in the game tend to stack on top of each other at times. A good example of this happens when you explore. One dialogue active at that time is the map screen. Once you hit the "explore" button, music plays and you can then position your exploration cross on the map. Once that's done touch near the bottom of the screen where you should come to the exploration dialogue. There, you can choose who leads the exploration party and how many weapon thanes and footmen to send. You also set the exploration pace between slow, normal and fast. Once you have that taken care of, you can then go to the "explore" button. The problem is that there are two of these. The first one is from the initial map dialogue. The one you want is past the "menu" button. Hit that and your expedition will be sent off. You'll here the exploration music as well as horses.

Another issue can occur at various times. One of these is when sacrificing. After you have sacrificed to one of the various gods or goddesses in the Orlanthi pantheon, you might then find yourself on what seems to be an empty screen. Patience is needed here as you should keep running your finger slowly over the screen until it starts reading you the result of your sacrifice or you encounter the "proceed" button. If you find the button first, just flick left and you'll hear the result of your sacrifice. Flick right again and you'll be on the "proceed" button.

Other than these minor issues, things are quite straight-forward. The background music and sound can be toggled on and off from the "controls" option screen which is accessed from the menu or before a game starts. Especially while familiarizing yourself with the game, it would be prudent to turn off the background music to make certain that everything is heard. I certainly found this helpful. There's no way to regulate the volume of the background music separate from overall volume. However, Voiceover does automatically lower the music volume while it is speaking. Reading event text works quite well. Most of the time, there's no need to scroll. Once you've flicked onto event text, all of it is read out to you. Continuing to flick right goes across the choices available.

When using the advice, it works much like the menu button in that it toggles the adviser selection screen on and off overtop of whatever dialogue is already present. Advice is always contextual to the screen or current situation the player is presented with. Flicking right goes across the adviser buttons whose names will be read out. Once activated with a double-tap, their advice will be read out. If you need to find it on the screen, you'll have to learn where it is on the screen or find it by flicking through elements. When you're done with getting advice, find the "adviser close" button. Activating this removes the adviser selection and any displayed advice from the screen.

*Game Play:

After choosing the duration and difficulty of your game, you must set up your clan. You can call it what you like and then begin to make various choices which effect how the game unfolds. Your saga starts here. Don't expect to just jump into this game and do terrifically right off the bat. Reading the manual is a very helpful thing to do in this case. Also, during the first year you play, a tutorial box is present which provides guidance for what to do on the various screens. After going through it, you'll at least have a basic grasp of the options and different game screens that you'll use throughout your clan's history. Once you have completed the tutorial, you will no longer have to contend with the tutorial box. It will never appear again unless you reset your game centre achievements even if you start a new game.

Essentially, the game is one of decision making on behalf of your clan as its history unfolds. There are many factors which influence the results of your decisions. These include random chance as well as such things as the skills of your clan leaders. You are always able to receive advice from members of your clan ring. This is very helpful particularly as you are first digging into the game. It may be helpful to keep notes on things you learn. A lot of information is available to you in the game but details such as the personalities of clan leaders you encounter can be useful to refer to. Not everything is kept track of in the saga screen of your clan. Also, during hero quests, you can't refer to the relevant mythology. Be certain to check out the "lore" screen. There, you'll find a vast amount of information about the myths, culture, history, and much more. The game manual can also be accessed from that screen via the button near the bottom right. The manual is also available in pdf form from the "tips" section of the game's web site. This pdf is unrestricted and may easily be converted into text by Kurzweil1000, Adobe Reader, or other software. Remembering details can make a very big difference in how things turn out for your clan.

Combat in the game is quite straight-forward in terms of the decisions you can make. However, there's a whole lot going on under the hood. A clan's personality might effect how prepared their forces are. How much magic you or the enemy devotes to the battle can make a substantial difference. At times, individual leaders involved in the battle will be placed in key situations where their choice can strongly effect the outcome. Battles occur throughout the game but this aspect doesn't dominate play unless you wish it to. If anything, the game encourages careful consideration about what is worth fighting for and why one goes to war. You cannot simply conquer your way to victory in King of Dragon Pass.

Much of the farming which takes place is handled automatically. However, there are points where decisions such as how much land to set aside for which purpose, how many hunters to have, and how much magic to invest in crops can make or break a clan. Thankfully, it's very hard to make decisions in the course of a single year which would completely wreck one's chances of winning. The game is won or lost in increments over time rather than in some sudden large-scale disaster or stroke of good fortune. Your clan ring is always there to advise you of problems and will have useful things to say about most decisions. However, during hero quests or combat, you understandably cannot seek their advice.

Your people, particularly your clan leaders, are capable of a degree of growth and change over their lives. In my Tandora clan, I now have a lady who is renowned for her bargaining skill. Over time, completing hero quests, fighting battles, and other experiences may produce exceptional individuals in your clan. These should be used with care and protected as much as possible.

Don't treat each year as a separate entity. Decisions you make in earlier years may have effects which carry on through the game. From how you choose to deal with the large pantheon of gods to which clans you are feuding with, it's all interconnected. In effect, you're building a house of cards with each decision you make. While the game is fairly forgiving, it is quite possible and inevitable that a game not won will eventually be lost. Things don't just keep going forever.

*Sound and Music:

The background music for King of Dragon Pass is quite well done. It suits the epic but fun feel of the game and enhances the various moods experienced by your clan. Sadly, as I previously mentioned, it can interfere with one's ability to hear Voiceover. You can download the soundtrack from the game web site and enjoy it separately. One way or another, the music ought to be experienced. Much like in a movie, it adds a lot to the feel of the game world.

Sound effects are experienced while dealing with various dialogues. They often include music as when you send off a caravan or exploration party. They are used to add life to things such as battles, feasting, or other events triggered by your choices. The sound vignettes are brief so they don't interfere with one's ability to hear Voiceover. Beginners can fully enjoy the game's sound without any added frustration. Much like the music, the brief sound scenes add just enough detail to the game world to tantalize the imagination. Due to their brevity, the sound vignettes don't become annoying after repeated exposure.

While not effective to blind readers of this review, it should be noted that King of Dragon Pass features original hand-drawn artwork. Not having seen it, or anything else for that matter, I can't give any detail or first-hand opinion about it. However, from what I've read in other reviews, people who are lumination dependent seem to think highly of it. Artwork is displayed during scenes and is likely also present on the various game screens. Mugs, shirts and original art from the game can be purchased if desired. Details are on the game web site. Therefore, if you're playing along and a sighted person asks "What's that?" they may very well have glimpsed some of this artwork past your fingers. You'll then have to decide whether to show and explain, or simply turn on your screen curtain with howls of derisive laughter.

*Conclusion:

This game is by far the most meaningful and detailed I have ever been able to play independently. I don't believe any other accessible game even comes close to what King of Dragon Pass offers the patient thoughtful player. The re playability level is astounding. There are over 500 scenes which may or may not occur in a given time. The results of your choices are impacted by many variables which may differ should you encounter a familiar scene. Even in cases where you do all the "right" things such as the hero quests, results might differ due to the preparedness and suitability of the person chosen to undertake the quest. Different treasures may or may not be found. You become a co-author of an epic novel which never reads the same twice but always maintains its cohesion.

You don't have to be a mathematician or social scientist. The text is very well-written and you'll find yourself drawn into the story. After a while, you'll feel that you've gotten to know leading figures in your clan over the years of game time. The leadership and management decisions feel very natural and intuitive. Keeping a good overview is important to eventual victory. However, you never lose sight of how much individual community members matter. They just keep popping up. The game has a whole lot to teach about the value of community cohesion, leadership, and other things besides. Should I ever be successful in winning even the short game on easy difficulty, I'll be left with fond memories and a true sense of accomplishment. I'll also be driven to start a fresh game knowing there are still possibilities I have yet to encounter. Thankfully, it is possible to record and share one's accomplishment via the iPHONE Game Centre, Twitter, Facebook, or via emailing your game saga to yourself and then to others. The iPHONE is the perfect device to play such a game on. Despite its complexity and length, it lends itself to casual play. You can pull it out of your pocket, make a few decisions, and then simply put it away again until a few moments of free time present themselves. That is, if you can resist finding out whether your weaponthanes manage to drive off the ice demons. Like drops of water in a bucket, all these short cessions will add up and you'll be amazed how far your clan has come along.

I have always believed that games are more than mere frivolous wastes of time. Games are like journeys for the mind. We learn best while at play and games can teach us a great deal in an environment where wrong decisions don't equal real disaster. Considering this game's fantasy setting, mythology, gods, creatures and people, King of Dragon Pass can teach us an awful lot of deep truth. At its core, King of Dragon Pass lets us play with leadership and power. It does so while showing us the consequences of our decisions in a very engaging way. If ever there was a game which defied its critics to call it devoid of any meaning and value, King of Dragon Pass is such a one. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if it proves to be a watershed game for blind owners of IOS devices. It has the potential to be played both at a casual and a serious level. This could prove to be the closest the blind gaming community has come to a phenomenon like Pac-Man was for the sighted world. What's more, we're playing on an equal footing and can let our accomplishments be known. Thanks to the inclusiveness of Apple and the considerate folks at A-Sharp Software, this game truly bridges the blind/sighted gaming divide. It's worth every cent of its $9.95 regular price.

And Then There Was One

2011-10-18T13:23:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone. As I begin this doubtless long entry, it's monday morning. It's been an interesting and mainly pleasant last while. This is despite my decision to break off my relationship with Janet last night. That wasn't pleasant at all but could have gone far worse considering my complete inexperience in being the one to decide to end a relationship. It simply became more obvious as we continued to talk via Skype that she just wasn't the right match for me. I found that our conversations were getting shorter and shorter. I thought I could live with that in a partner but have come to realize that this is one area where I frankly can't compromise in as much as I thought I could. When you have more substantial conversations with even newly found friends than you do with a significant other, it's definitely a warning sign of dissatisfaction down the road. Over the past while, the glow of at last finding someone who was actually interested in me was increasingly overridden by doubts about our suitability for each other. Actually going to see each other would be prohibitively expensive given our similar financial situations. One of the real dangers of such long distance relationships is that over time, the chemistry just fades away. I've experienced all of that now. While I could have hung in there out of the thinking that I might never find a more ideal partner, this would have been dishonest of me. I no longer felt love for her above the esteem and affection I have for a good friend and had to set things right. I've been passed up by enough people to know precisely how painful it can be.

This is the first time that I've been the one to break off a relationship. Both Rebecca and Janene decided that they no longer wished to be with me. I can't say that it's a very enjoyable experience being a dumper. One has to face some pretty ugly truths about the limits of lasting worldly love. I thought myself capable of living happily with pretty much anybody who truly loved and respected me. That just isn't the case though. Whoever I end up with simply has to have good conversation and communication skills and also share some similar interests or there just isn't going to be enough common experience to keep things going. She took it remarkably well. I think she had the sense that things had changed. For all my intelligence, I had absolutely no inkling that Janene was about to ditch me like she did that Easter Monday which feels like forever ago now. It looks like Janet and I will remain friends while each of us looks for a relationship to pursue hopefully somewhat closer to home as well as to the kind of partner we're each best suited for. Because she's approached her life in much the same manner in terms of values, she has built up a real place for herself in her community much as I've at last begun to here. She has become a very welcome, reliable and needed friend to many people there. It just doesn't feel right asking her to step away from all that before life circumstances otherwise force her to move on. This is particularly true in the case of her best friend Lori. Janet adds tremendously to the scope and possibilities of her life. She's quite a bit more child-like than Janet in terms of mental capability and must also come to terms with losing her sight. In both her and Janet's case, I find it far too easy to take a kind of friendly stance which veered dangerously toward the more fatherly stance Gandalf had towards the hobbits. Perhaps, that's what Janet wants or even needs in a partner. That's for her to determine. For me, it's very important that I'm with a lady who doesn't evoke such feelings. We've got to be equals. Unfortunately, when it comes to intelligence, I'm faced with the reality that most women I'd take an interest in simply wouldn't be interested in me. Most of them anywhere near my age are already spoken for or are hooked too deeply into our society's need for material wealth to even give five minutes to a permanently unemployed guy on an overly ambitious creative quest. While I could now at least offer a safe and secure home to a life partner who's in a similar financial situation to mine, that's all I can bring to the table outside of my own reasonable outlook, optimism, patience, easygoing nature and good character. These assets have certainly gained me a number of good friends and despite everything, I still find myself hopeful of eventually finding someone who proves to be a better fit for me and wants to take things further. There are plenty of other circumstances which place people on ODSP or outside what passes for normal life. Certainly, I've met people with other mental deficiencies whose ability to converse and basic good cheer were unimpaired. However, especially if I'm going to do the long-distance relationship thing again, it's pretty vital that conversations be stimulating and that we have more common ground regarding interests than I did with Janet. Sadly, a similar moral outlook and religion just isn't enough. It sounds so damned shamefully elitist, but it is nonetheless true for me.

I guess I've come away from this knowing more about my own real desires for a life partner as well as my own limitations when it comes to what I'd be willing to settle for. Good conversation is more of a must for me than I thought. Having been dumped twice, I've never really looked at that aspect of myself so clearly before. Like everyone else, I too have hopes and dreams that I'm unwilling to part with. It's an ugly truth to find that someone who you like, respect and admire lacks what your sustained worldly love requires. At last, I believe I can truly better forgive Janene for walking away from our engagement. Was it the prospect of having to earn all the income unless or until I came up with something creative which I could sell? Was it all the art she did which I would never see and could therefore not appreciate? I guess I'll never know. Whatever it was, I now have a greater understanding of the pain she went through even as she utterly devastated me to the point where I nearly attempted suicide. We took things too far to avoid that indescribable pain. Thankfully, due to that distance between Janet and I, neither of us were hurt badly. Both of our lives have been pleasantly added to. I needed and craved that sense of being wanted by a woman as more than a friend, of no longer being alone in life in that way. Through finding Janet, I've come to better appreciate the friends I have who now include her. Paradoxically, despite this experience clearly showing that my range of possibilities for stable life partnership is more constrained by my own requirements than I would have thought, I find that I have more hope of eventually finding a better match. I at least have the fortitude and sense to act if things don't feel right. Janet has proved to me that there actually are women out there who might find me worth exploring possibilities with. I'm not quite in a completely hopeless situation. Realistically though, I know my wait will most likely be a long one. Until a woman who meets my criteria comes along though, I simply have to keep hopeful, happy and patient. I'm also comforted that I haven't become so jaded that I'm completely beyond being swept into something. I'm still human after all. Exploring love's possibilities always comes with a cost. Compared to my last two serious relationships, I've gotten off remarkably lightly this time. I hope Janet eventually finds someone who has the resources and approach to give her a good and happy life companionship. I of all people know well the frustration of being overlooked due to a disability. The temptation to jump at any opportunity for love no matter how unsuitable or likely to last can probably only be understood by people in a similar situation.

For the record, here are my current known criteria for an ideal life partner:
1. She must be able to engage in deep and meaningful conversation. Words and ideas are at the very core of my life and my significant other needs to have the ability to communicate and explore such things at least as much as my friends do. She needs to be able to communicate her thoughts and argue her case well enough so I don't feel in danger of railroading her thinking. I don't care particularly that she have a formal education equivalent to my own. I've frankly met secondary school dropouts who have taught themselves as much or more than some of us with degrees have ever learned about the nature of real life. The desire and capability to explore ideas and discuss rationally are what I'm after here.

2. Over the years, my faith has become more a part of life. I don't think I could entertain the possibility of marrying someone who doesn't share at least a healthy respect for my religious convictions. I'd very much prefer to find someone who would enjoy going to church together as a couple. It's become an important enough part of my own life that I'd like to share it. It should be something which draws us closer rather than separates us. That blocks not only non-Christians who want no part of church, but also blocks the more extreme kinds of Christians who think poorly of all non-believers, reject modern life utterly, frown on anything not mentioned in the bible, jump to idiotic conclusions about modern culture/art, or think the world's nearly at an end and it's about damned time too. I try to find the good in games, movies, music, people, and life in general and want a lady who will enjoy these things with me. It's still not completely outside the realm of possibility that I would come to love and marry someone of a different faith or an agnostic. After all, had Rebecca not fallen in love with me despite my agnosticism at the time, I wouldn't likely be a Christian today. All things being equal though, I would far rather find someone of similar core beliefs.

3. She should fit in well with family and friends. A serious relationship is a package deal. There's no getting around that. I need to find someone who can partake in activities and get along with my family and friends. Someone who feels uncomfortable or begrudges having to go to family functions ought to look elsewhere for companionship. Mine have supported me through a lot of the worst times in my life. I simply won't hook up with someone who has no use or respect for them. While it's still possible that I might be convinced by a partner to move away to somewhere new, I'd really have to be sold on the idea. If we did, my friends would have to be welcome to visit and I'd expect us to go from time to time to visit them as economics and life reasonably permitted. People get into all kinds of trouble when they allow someone else to remove them from their support network and cut them off. I would never do that to a life partner and won't allow that to happen to me.

4. She must be able to respect how I've lived my life. Instead of banging my head on the brick wall barring job access for people with my disability and particular gifts, I've chosen to take advantage of the economic security and place society has offered me. Were the opportunity presented to me, I would cheerfully work for my living. However, despite sustained attempts supported by a government agency, I simply can't find my way into the labour force. I've therefore made my peace with that reality to the best of my ability and chosen to find alternate means for contributing to the good of others while still enjoying life and keeping cheerful. It hasn't been a short or easy journey. Should my circumstances change dramatically, I would absolutely be willing to work in order to support a married life, help keep a business run by a spouse afloat, etc. Under these rules and circumstances, however, I've figured out that I'll end up feeling far happier, contributing more, and feeling more productive doing what I'm doing. Should opportunities come up, I'd cheerfully volunteer three days a week just to be more a part of the community and feel more productive. Just get me there and back safely. If you can't get your head around that and respect my voluntary efforts to contribute to a society which can't see its way to rewarding me financially, you have no business getting serious with me. Respect has to be a two-way thing right from the start. I've got a hard-working family plus a lot of fully employed friends who have managed to make that leap. I'll stand for nothing less from a potential partner. Rebecca had no respect for what I did voluntarily and thought I should do nothing productive or contributive towards society if I wasn't going to get paid for it. I'll never stand for such a situation again. We're not going to last long if you can't see beyond the world of dollars and cents. Even if I at last find a way into the labour force through some miracle or other, I don't plan on turning away from the projects I've started.

5. I've learned what happens when you put all your eggs in one basket. I did that too much with Janene thinking that we'd be starting life together in a new place and everything would therefore be different. I would have gone with her absolutely anywhere and had no reason at all not to fully trust her. My friends and family were ready and committed to supporting her also and were as shocked as I when she suddenly pulled my less lonely future out from beneath me. None of those people have a true sense of what that put me through despite their best intentions and efforts. I intend to make certain that from now on, there's always enough of life not dependent on a relationship that I never go through such a long vicious downward slide again. That was just too painful and doubtless more rough on those closest to me than I fully realize. In other words, there's going to be more to my life than our relationship. Deal with it or get lost.

6. She needs to have a basically optimistic and cheerful appreciation of life and of people in general. Five years is long enough to have spent walking on eggshells and doing damage control. One thing I really admire about Janet was such a positive attitude despite the rejection she has faced in life. It really hurts me to now have to count myself as part of that rejection. However, if she didn't have that basically cheerful good attitude, I never would have explored more serious possibilities with her in the first place. Especially when you live on something like disability support, the benefits of such a fair-minded, level, patient and positive approach to people are incalculable. People who focus all their energy on society's shortcomings and discount their blessings aren't doing any of us any favours. I'm no longer a member of the ODSP Fireside list. It has some very useful information and clear-headded considerate people on it. However, far too many of its members simply spend all their time bitching and complaining. I can't be part of a group stacked so heavily in that direction and refuse utterly to be with a partner who can't find reason for happiness in life. Don't get me wrong. There are days when I'm angry and plenty of reasons for anger and bitterness in this crazy world. However, spending all your time angry just pushes people away from you and eats you up inside. I've been as far down that particular road to destruction as I ever want to go. An ideal woman for me must be able to see the bright side of life most of the time.

7. She needs to enjoy touching and physical affection. That's certainly something I want to experience from a lover again in life at some point. I saved it for last because it's only really meaningful after the rest of my criteria have been established and we've built up the appropriate level of trust, respect and genuine love we can have confidence is going to last. I'd rather have no relationship at all than go through another one which simply can't last due to improper construction. I was quite willing to go through the rest of life without sex had the rest of Rebecca and my marriage been at all salvageable. I felt that this was a part of honouring the commitment I had made. Even in marriage, sex should never be considered an absolute right. That kind of intimacy is a precious gift. Personal space should always be respected. However, if you don't appreciate physical affection, you really ought not to fall in love with a blind man to begin with.

That covers the basics pretty well I think. There's certainly a little wiggle room on these but not a whole lot. Due to the happiness I've found here over the past while, I'm strong enough to get out of what isn't working for me. Hopefully, I'm also strong and kindly enough to do so without hurting anybody too badly. I'd really prefer it if my own happiness in a relationship didn't come at someone else's expense. It should be all about building up hope and possibility for each other and for those whose lives intersect ours. Perhaps, in this self-centred world, that makes me too much of an idealist. I've heard it all before. I just can't make myself believe that this is such a fallen world that quantity is the only way to go in the love department. Women are simply worth more respect than that. Even if that weren't the case, our consciences, our very souls are worth infinitely more respect than that. I dearly hope and wish to find a life partner who I can experience stable growing married love with. Not, however, at any cost. For me, there are things I won't stoop to and things I refuse to give up. If that condemns me to singledom from here on out, so be it. Thankfully, God has blessed me with the ability to patiently hope that this isn't the case. I'll keep open to realistic possibilities. I'm making new connections and new friends these days. There's a whole lot more cause for hope than before this Summer.

This Autumn hasn't been devoid of activity either. I've had a remarkable Thanksgiving weekend. On Saturday, I was contacted about a text book for game designers which I had bought and found to be largely inaccessible due to restrictions placed on the pdf file. To my surprise, the author himself contacted me. It was terrific to hear from him. He was very encouraging. Through his efforts, I obtained a copy of the book which I'm able to easily move through and read. Nothing forced him to go to bat for me, a complete stranger. However, he found enough kindness and faith in me to do so. I've plunged into his book a fair way since then and dearly wish it had been one of the first ones I came across. It's great in that it provides a good overall order in which to do things. I've never really had that and will benefit in many ways from his experience and thoughtfulness. Anybody who is seriously planning to design a game would do well to get Fundamentals of Game Design 2nd edition by Ernest Adams. It's geared towards computer and video games but what he says easily applies to other kinds of games including what I'm trying to create. The other very helpful book was one I found on www.audible.com called Reality is Broken Why Games Make us Better and How They can Change the World by Jane McGonigal. The psychological in sites she provides will serve my project quite well also. I have a whole lot to read, learn, and think about over this Winter. I also have a somewhat better sense of the scope of what I'm trying to do. Even the design document and process is going to take at least another year and possibly two. It's so important to get things nailed down before you go much further.

There have been other good times also. I attended a Thanksgiving party held by members of my church. Despite difficulties hearing due to my illness, it was still very enjoyable and added greatly to an altogether spectacular Thanksgiving weekend. Seeing the family was also fun. Everyone was in good spirits and the dinner was just wonderful. Occasions like that have a way of sticking nicely in your head.

I was also very pleased to have Reverend Chong drop in for a visit one morning. He was a part of the group that I went down to Grand Rapids Michigan with during the Summer for the multiethnic conference. It was great just having him over for a friendly chat in here before heading off to the Dam later that day.

It's Tuesday morning now. I've had a broken but apparently sufficient sleep. Saw the doctor last week and he seems to have hit on something helpful. He suggested I try saline solution sprayed into the nose to clear my stuffiness. Who'd have thunk that salt-water would be as helpful as it's been? Later on this week, I'll be fasting and going in for standard blood work. Everyone says I should lose more than a few pounds. Guess this will be a start. There's also groceries to order and laundry to do. A nicely busy week to help life keep moving along after the breakup. King of Dragon Pass has proved to be every bit as marvellous as I could have hoped. I've already spent hours playing that game. What's more, they're still updating and adding to it. Once some of the rougher aspects of Voiceover access have been polished in the next update, I'll have to try doing a Blindcooltech episode about the game. Meanwhile, I can thoroughly enjoy playing it as I engage in other aspects of life. More blind people are hearing about the game which pleases me no end. I hope the developers are getting lots of feedback.

Doubtless, more has happened over the past while which I have neglected to blog about. It seems a lady who found me on Audioboo is interested in getting to know me further. She goes by the nickname buschic and it seems to be very well earned. She doesn't tend to fit in with the blind community often having different and at times unwelcome opinions. I had a couple of short conversations with her. She seems nice if a little rough around the edges. She seems to be quite interested in me and is thankfully a whole lot closer than Janet was. I could actually see us getting together without going bankrupt. She can certainly carry on a good conversation. Apparently, she considers me cute of all confounded things. The older I get, the less applicable that word seems to me. Given what I've just been through though, whatever happens will take its own time. I've made that pretty clear and she seems alright with that. She'll clearly make for an interesting friend with her radical opinions and justifiable anger considering even the fraction of her experience she has related to me. but whether she fits into the rest of life is a question to be explored slowly and with care. I tend to favour the patient diplomatic approach. She strikes me more as someone who'd charge into a situation and take no prisoners. Somewhat like my good friend Steve Murgaski in that respect. She's apparently spoken briefly to him on some occasions but doesn't know him that well. She makes no secret of her mental issues which at least speaks to her honesty. They're somewhat different than what I've had any experience with. While that at least means things would be different, it still tells me that caution is a good idea. Frankly though, it is damned refreshing to actually have a new lady to even contemplate getting to know. A pretty sharp change of pace from the usual months which stretch on and on between the occasional serious female interest I've experienced. Mustn't let it go to my head. Ah well. Life continues. I'll be off to the Dam pretty soon. Had a delicious brunch which turned out perfectly. No egg on the counter this time. I find that I very much look forward to finding out what the topic for the week's forum discussion after the dropin will be. So far, I've managed to contribute a little to the discussions. It at least makes me feel productive at the end of the day. Hopefully, the dropin will be more eventful for me than the last one was. More people seem to be coming which has raised the noise level considerably. Think I'll take my full set of gear including my portable speakers. If I'm going to be sitting around for hours, I may as well have the ghost of a chance of hearing what my netbook says in there. Who knows? Maybe, some of these new youngsters will have a bit of healthy curiosity. I can hope.

Drifting into Autumn

2011-10-04T20:15:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone. I've been happily busy this past while. Lately, my sense of blogger's guilt is telling me that it's way past time for another entry. There's a lot to cover including a few events which could well have had their own blog entries had I gotten around to writing them. Summer is firmly behind now as I start writing this entry on the last day of September. The leaves are all over the ground now on the path around the lake. I know because I went to vote this morning with Shirley. She voted earlier but didn't mind taking me for a walk over. I hadn't realized that the advanced poling station was right in the community centre I walk past when going to the mall and the Dam. This time, I had my voting card and it was simplicity itself. No long lineups or anything. I've officially done my civic duty. Guess we'll see what befalls this fine province on Thursday evening, election day.

For the past while, I've been plagued by an annoying cough/cold. I thought it was allergy-related for quite a while but no longer believe that to be the case. A lot of other people are coughing away too so I guess something's going round and my number came up. I'm just glad I got to enjoy the rest of the Summer this time. Such a splendid remarkable Summer. There are times in your life when you really turn a kind of corner and know that the past while has changed your outlook permanently for the better. This Summer has really shown me that I have far more reason to be thankful, scope for engagement with others in my community, and more hope for social satisfaction in this world of frightfully busy people than I could have imagined before. As I wrote in an article just published in my church's newsletter, I've at last truly found home.

It's Sunday morning now. I've been awake through a whole lot more of it than I would have preferred. However, I'm feeling very good just now other than the somewhat degraded hearing this illness now seems bent on throwing at me. Not nearly so bad as last Summer's illness. Breakfast went far more smoothly today than it did yesterday. A nice muffin and some fresh pineapple proved far less troublesome than the eggs I spilled yesterday. It ought to be a pretty good Sunday. There's church, the Mosen Explosion, and probably a visit with the family later on.

I guess there's a whole lot of past weeks to cover. I intended to do a blog entry a whole lot sooner than this. The first major thing I should write something about was my Aunt Kay's 90th birthday party. That already seems like ages ago. There was quite a bit of driving to Sea forth and then Stratford. We first had a pleasant afternoon with Kay's friends and relatives who attended. It was good to chat with some of Kay's friends who I hadn't met before, and it's always nice to see the folks who have been an intermittent but integral part of my life for about as long as I can remember. I wish we weren't all so spread out. Aunt Kay seemed to enjoy the afternoon thoroughly. There were something like sixty people in attendance. At times like that, you get a real sense of just how wide and positive the impact of a life well lived can be. We then proceeded to Stratford where we enjoyed a catered dinner at the Queen's Arms Inn. The food was terrific. After dinner, some of us gave short speeches. I took a stab at it and quit before I got too emotional. The core of what I said bares repeating here. If there's one thing I'll always treasure that I've learned from Aunt Kay, it's a deep appreciation for rarely encountered often old things. She probably still has that wonderful room in her house where a child of pretty much any age would find some quaint old toy or game which they'd never have come across anywhere else in life. You never got the sense that the possibilities of finding something else of interest on a future visit had been exhausted. Through my writing and other efforts, I hope to pass on that sense of appreciation and wonder that so much of this generation seems to have lost. Even costly video games are now mainly designed to be won and then disposed of rather than kept and cherished. Not so in Aunt Kay's day. Not so for me either. I want people to hang onto my creations be they writing or game. I owe no small part of that resistance to the use it and lose it consumerism plaguing modern life to Aunt Kay and that room of wonders.

It was great seeing Neil and Cathy again. They don't visit that often at all so spending time with them was a lot of fun. After they left, my next big trip was out to Canada's Wonderland with a few friends I hadn't seen in pretty much a year. It was great to be back in the park again. Perhaps, I'll get a season's pass next year. I seem to know enough people who go there often that it would easily pay for itself over a summer. Even better was just catching up with the happenings in the lives of Shane, Crissie and Angel. We just hit it off like we did when they lived nearby and had a very good day together. Sadly, Shane must now deal with the reality of Crones disease which my mother has. He's just starting to blog about what he's been going through. I hope he finds that to be as helpful and therapeutic an outlet as I've found blogging to be. Check it out at:
http://tsholock.blogspot.com/

I've also reconnected with Angela and Tony. Angela came out a couple of times, once to have lunch with Michelle, Gerry and I. She came a second time a week later so that I could update her Trekker Breeze for her. It's all up to snuff now with the latest software and maps. Nobody ever told her she should register it with Humanware to be notified of updates. I cringe at idiocy like that. Same goes for how Jerry didn't get an SMA with his Jaws purchase. If anybody needs things to be easy and up to date, it's someone like him. He doesn't have the technical skill to deal with the adversity he's going to needlessly have to over the next four years until he can get an upgrade. That presumes those who deal with him don't take advantage of his ignorance as has clearly happened this time. He's stuck with version 11 and should have been able to upgrade to 13 like Michelle and I will be. Michelle has the ongoing problem of her visual capability not being understood by people who deal with her. She has to bend very close to the monitor to see it and often can't see things like buttons in the middle of the screen. She notices a lot with her sight around a room or outdoors but this doesn't mean she can when things are close up and small. It's not that she isn't trying. She simply often can't. I've been surprised by what she's able to notice at times so I have a dim understanding of how other people might reach the unfortunate conclusion that too many have for her. I couldn't help her as much as I would have hoped this week when I went to see them. All I could do was take her to the place where she could change colour and font. I just have no direct experience and only a dim theoretical grasp of what these things are. I can see both sides of the coin as usual. It's understandable if regrettable that trainers will lose patience trying to help her and Gerry. It takes them longer to grasp technical concepts and such. Poor Gerry actually ended up frustrated with the phone as he tried to call Swiss Chalet to order our dinner. He really seems caught in a world which has moved beyond him technologically but he's doing quite well considering his late introduction to computers. It's just going to take longer for him to really start grasping stuff well. Too long for trainers busy making a buck to do much more than write him off after a certain point. How much collective wisdom is forever lost to society through the impatience of others?

Back from church now. That was a great service as usual although my illness robbed me of my accustomed ability to hear easily. My article got published in the church newsletter and a few people commented favourably on it to me. I enjoyed a light lunch and am now awaiting the start of the Mosen Explosion on
www.mushroomfm.com
I just read an article by my good friend Adam Taylor. He's studying to become a journalist and got published in his college's newspaper. Check out his article at:
http://sheridansunonline.sheridanc.on.ca/business_ads.html
Looks like he's started a nifty blog also for gamers. Have to keep an ear on that. Check that out at:
http://adambladetaylor.blogspot.com/

Life has somewhat settled down now for me. I don't expect any major outings over the next while. That'll be good for my bank balance. Even these more empty days seem to be going past at quite a clip. I've read some good books including The Rule of Nine which was a very well-written thriller. I've also re-read the Moon Maze Game which is just terrific and well worth the waiting for. I'm about due for another Audible credit and am debating which book to choose next. I may go for World War Z despite it being abridged in the spirit of Halloween. However, there are quite a number of titles on my wish list including Ready Player 1. That one sounds very interesting and comes highly recommended by Dani Hood, a former neighbour and current friend. There are also a couple of game development related books. Now that work on Enchantment's Twilight is on the move again, they also present some temptation. Robert J. Sawyer also tugs at my heartstrings as I'm sorely tempted to get the WWW trilogy over the next few months. So many choices. If there's a sale as there sometimes is, there's always a chance that a book I'm interested in will be included in it. However, I can't count on that and must make my monthly choice accordingly. As my budget improves and recovers from Summer, I'll have more freedom of action but that's how things are for now. Rather than being put out, I see it as only fair that things tighten up for a bit. It all comes down to perspective and I seem to have well and truly found my equilibrium.

Looks like I'll be joining my parents for dinner at Kim and Ernie's tonight. It's always good to catch up with them. Saw the three nieces last week. They're all doing alright despite dealing with colds. School is going well for both Ava and Amia. Little Alleah won't be ready to join the educational system for some time yet but she's a cute grabby spunky little one for all that. I'm glad Neil and Cathy got to see them while they were here.

As offline life slows down a tad, my online existence is becoming more interesting. One of my Twitter followers, Julie Einarson, participated in the Sears Run which raised funds for research into curing Cancer. Apparently, she did quite well and her team came in second. Tom Ward just announced that he's doing a small Halloween game as a kind of break from ongoing work on Mysteries of the Ancients. Thank God people have proved more understanding than past experience gave me any cause to hope they would. So far, no flame war or harsh backlash against Tom for daring to take a short creative break and switch gears for a bit. Hope it does him some real good to make something unhindered by the desires and hopes of the blind gaming community. He's been hemmed in for so very long by trying to do a good deed. Team FM has been very successful in its launch and I'm tuning into a couple of their shows. Mainly, I've thoroughly enjoyed the Bear's Lair on Saturdays. That in itself has been wonderful to have back. Lulu plays some terrific stuff and that whole community Twitter interactive thing just makes an otherwise empty Saturday feel special. It's nice to know that weekends this Winter will have two events, the Mosen Explosion on Mushroom FM plus the Bear's Lair on Team FM, which will be points of contact with communities of listeners. There's also Cathyanne's Soothing Sounds and Erin Edger's Melting Pot, shows I catch on a semi-regular basis. Pretty soon, King of Dragon Pass will at long last be accessible to me via the iPHONE. I have every confidence that this game will keep me spellbound for hours of stimulating story-driven play. That's a very good thing as I'll be saving any extra cash for the whole Christmas thing as well as any social opportunities which might come my way. Podcasts are going to become more welcome things in life. I have tons of Spark episodes to catch up on among a great many other things in that department. I have, however, enjoyed a number of From Our Own Correspondents episodes over the past while during less active times. It's positively delightful and unbelievable how far out of my digital world this past Summer has taken me. The whole tambour of life has well and truly changed.

Janet and I have been chatting on Skype most evenings. It's damned good to have someone to do that again with who really seems to love me. I can't help but be drawn in by her simplicity and obvious affection. However, when you get right down to it, all we've done is talk and email each other. The whole question of how well the chemistry will work outside of Lake Joseph's special environment still remains to be answered and doubtless will for some time. Having a friend like Carine to talk with is helpful. Like me, she's in a long-distance relationship and must deal with some of the same issues. This includes the same tendency to analyze things to death. Will we find each other to be stimulating when together on our own continuously or simply find that things run out of steam? We operate on two very different mental levels. Janet has a very simplistic way of approaching things including faith. God will provide. It's a foregone conclusion for her as reliable and all-encompassing as the sunrise. With intellect comes a knowledge of how things work which precludes such easy refuge. I'm forever weighing and pondering, wrestling with the very essence and consequences of what I believe. As with my faith, so too it is with the rest of life. Particularly when it comes to my hopes for life-long female companionship, I'm probably altogether too mindful of the consequence of choosing wrongly. I get a strong sense that we would both be useful additions to each other's social circles. However, while I was listening to some fantasy book or lecture, would she take an interest or simply be bored to death? Would we listen to radio shows or podcasts and have meaningful talks about them, or would that simply be an ideal I'd do better to let go of? I can sort of see myself getting into some of the mystery and crime shows which fascinate her but am never going to be enthralled by comedies, campfire singalongs or other things which amuse her. There would certainly be compensations in terms of the freedom of action her sight would provide us. Also, while I'm apt to get mired in detail and counter-argument, she's the type of kind soul who's apt to come up with one of those breath-taking "why didn't I think of that?"-style conclusions. She doesn't say what she doesn't mean. There's no ambiguity. I would always know precisely where I stood with her. Ability-wise, each of us can nicely fill a lack experienced by the other. That could either lead to a kind of stability or not. Eventually, we'll doubtless manage to visit each other and really find out where things might go. Until then, I take comfort in my new lovely lady at a distance and explore what ground Skype makes possible. Our road to togetherness will be a very long one. For me, it'll be full of weighty questions which only time together will answer but which I can't help but wrestle with anyhow. I don't ever want her to feel belittled or inferior to me if she can't immediately grasp things or can't get into things which interest me. She has, in many ways, surpassed me in how she has approached things and/or dealt with her limitations. It's not at all the same as having someone to go on dates and start experiencing life with. Hopefully, the distance between us will prove to be a means of building a solid foundation of understanding upon which love can grow. For the present, having Janet to talk with and write to is a whole lot better than the big zero relationship wise. It's so damned nice to finally have a possibility for long-term companionship to at least explore with someone who takes the possibility seriously.

It's Monday afternoon now. Dinner with the Perins was delicious and entertaining as always. Their computer needed quite a cleaning as they hadn't really known to attend to that over the past years they've owned it. I trust that they'll notice quite a speed boost now that a disc cleanup and defrag have been done. I seem to be doing a lot of basic computer maintenance for people these days who either don't have the time or inclination to learn to do it themselves. I can relate to that. There are certainly things, particularly fashion-related, that I could doubtless grasp more firmly but simply aren't worth my bother. There's that palpable sense that Fall has arrived and with it, a bustle of activity you never quite feel in Summer no matter how full of adventure it is.

Carine called unexpectedly this morning. She and Kevin have been pretty busy lately, as have I. It was good to go for a walk around the lake with her dog Breeze and my Trekker Breeze GPS. We went off to Symposium where I had the breakfast of champions. That'll pretty much be my meal for the day. Kevin and Carine want to take me tubing this Winter. Carine also seems to like hiking. Haven't had a whole lot of opportunity to do either of those things in quite a while. It's great to have people who think of me when they're considering doing something and have them be so close to where I live. It'll be fun including them in some of my gatherings also.

Apples have definitely made their way back into my list of liked fruits. They're a nice change from oranges this time of year. Dad says oranges are to his liking just now so I may get some with my next grocery order in a couple weeks or so. I have a Fall coupon book which I intend to get some use out of. The coupons are five dollars savings plus one for ten. That doesn't really justify doing an extra order what with the delivery fee but I'll still save at least fifteen or twenty just sticking to my natural schedule. They do a good job of reminding you when codes are about to expire. I appreciate thoughtfulness like that. When it comes to customer service, Grocery Gateway truly has its act together. Wouldn't mind if the bills were lower, but would mind extremely if they ever went out of business.

It's been a pleasant afternoon and is now well into evening. The wind has now passed well in to the realm of chilly. Time to close the balcony door for the night. People will be coming to check on and perhaps repair the balcony railing tomorrow so I've moved the table into a corner and the chairs inside. I've never gotten to meet and talk with the folks who do that kind of work. That could be interesting. I wonder what tools they might carry or whether they leave everything in a truck until they perceive an apartment which needs their attention. There are so many things like that which I guess are just obvious to sighted folk but that I've never gotten round to finding out. The railing certainly seems just as safe and solid to me as it ever has. Do they use some special equipment to examine them and how well they're set into the concrete of the balconies? Also, what possible insights might such a career lend itself to? They see the inner sanctums and visible possessions of so many people. What do they actually think of it all? What impact might it have on their sense of place and accomplishment in life? I think of people like Franc Snape, who I've always thought of as Uncle Franc despite our not being related. You can read a bit about him in the previous blog entry. There are so many different approaches to wisdom and depth of character.

At last, I learned today what Julie sounds like. She's the lady I mentioned earlier who's running in the Great Canadian Run for Cancer soon. I finally got to hear a Youtube clip of her speaking. For quite a while now, I've known what two thirds of the Twitter triangle[twiangle?] of Dani, Jacqui and Julie sound like. Dani was a neighbour of my parents and I and still comes over on some occasions. Jacqui is Dani's friend who I've also had the pleasure to meet and talk with over the years. The most memorable thing I've done with them so far was eat at O'Noir when they wanted to experience eating in the dark. That seems so damned long ago. So much has happened to me, them, and Stephen since that evening. Now, I can have some sense of how all three members of the twiangle would sound saying what they tweet to each other. It's one of those things, like putting that last dish back in the cupboard, which imparts a disproportionate degree of satisfaction. Sort of like having a matching set of stuff. My impression of Julie as an interesting and caring person hasn't changed at all for finally having heard her. We might never actually meet as is the case with so many of my online acquaintances. It's just a tiny bit of curiosity put to rest.

Tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to be leading the Forum discussion at the Dam. My previous experience explaining to students and others about life as a blind person will hopefully stand me in good stead for this. I hope I can keep them interested and pass something of what life has taught me on to them. This is a fantastic opportunity for me to make some real headway with whoever ends up staying around for the discussion and pizza. It's been on my mind most of the day. Thank God for Twitter and other seemingly trivial stuff of life. As the author says in Stranger Than Fiction, that seemingly trivial stuff does a whole lot to save our lives. It saves us from taking ourselves too seriously, from becoming too obsessed for our own good with what we're about. It can give us that small speck of distance we need to stumble across what our most intensely focused careful thinking can never find. Mostly though, it saves us from the crushing weight of time we cannot more profitably use. I was going to publish this entry today, but believe that I'll hold off. Tomorrow's forum is a pretty important first stab at youth leadership for me and you all deserve to know how it turns out.

It's now Tuesday evening. I'm back safe and sound. It's been a pretty good day. The balcony workers were extremely quick. They walked through, hammered a few times on the railing or something out there, and then left. Couldn't really chat with them but got to chat briefly with the building superintend ant. He seemed somewhat surprised that I was cooking despite it's being lunch time. The Apple press event was unfortunately less than informative regarding IOS5. The only real piece of info I learned before having to leave for the Dam was that IOS5 is going to come out on October 12. That ought to be interesting.

The Trekker performed beautifully today on the way to the Dam. My hearing, however, was somewhat problematic. This time, it was that lack of the clear crisp hearing of my surroundings which got me turned around heading accidentally back towards my apartment until the Breeze announced familiar landmarks which clued me in. That added five minutes to my otherwise excellent walk over there. Crossing the street was a tad more nerve-wracking. One car was quiet enough and moving slowly so I didn't realize it was anywhere near until it was very close indeed. The driver was obviously well aware of me. It seemed almost criminal after the forum to accept a lift back home but given that hearing difficulty, I figured discretion might be the better part of valour this evening.

My first forum was quite a success and turned out very differently than I had planned for. It ended up being about getting to know me. I shared some antic dotes and basic information about how I approach things as a blind person. I think it'll make it easier for them to approach me with their issues during the drop in. Robin seemed to think that it was quite a success and everyone was interested all the way through. They want me to lead another forum later on where I tackle the rest of what I planned to do in this forum.

The rest of this week will be pleasantly busy for me. I'll be going to Symposium Cafe on Thursday to have lunch with Michelle and Angela. Michelle's computer seems to be working better for her but I've no clear idea what happened to accomplish that. Face book is still a bit more difficult but seems to be manageable for her. It'll also be interesting to find out how Angela likes her Trekker now that it's all updated. I'll have to read up on entering addresses into the Breeze so I can explain that better. I haven't used that feature a whole lot but it would come in pretty handy for Angela. I guess tomorrow and Friday will be when I do laundry and other odds and ends. Thursday is also election day and I'll certainly be tuned into CBC Radio1 for their coverage that evening. At some point, I'll have to catch a full length news broadcast and get caught up with that. What with all the happenings and tech stuff, I guess I've let my grip on world events slip a tad. Rather than finding that annoying, I find it a welcome indicator of just how much things have changed for me over this past while. It's high time I got this entry published. I'll be Skyping Janet and her friend Lori fairly soon once I've gotten a nice cold drink. Until next time, my good readers all.

New Friends, Unexpected Expeditions, Summer Goodness, and More

2011-08-23T09:44:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone. It's a somewhat brisk windy monday morning. I've had quite a spectacular weekend. On saturday, I thought I'd go out and get a walk round the lake in before the day got rainy as was forecasted. I met a very nice lady named Carine who has recently moved into the area. She lives very amicably with her ex-boyfriend Kevin. They seem to have negociated through any awkwardness and just got on with being good friends and housemates. Could I just put aside Janene's having decided not to marry me and simply be friends with her should she call one day? I don't think so. We crossed so many lines and went so much farther than simple friendship that anything less than a life-long commitment just seemed like such hollowness. For me, it's more an all or nothing thing. Had she refused my engagement ring on that weekend I offered it to her, there may have been room to retreet to friendship gracefully if not painlessly. Once we were engaged, that window just closed for me. Her subsequent walking away from me simply hurt too damned much. Somehow, these two have managed to keep a very high level of trust and friendship.

Carine was originally going to see her long-distance boyfriend but that never panned out. I suspect some texts sent to each other got lost somehow. Not being one to text with my own phone, I don't know how common or rare a problem that is. The end result was that she ended up going out for lunch with me to Symposium Cafe while hoping, worrying and waiting for a text from him regarding their planned outing. That never came so she spontaneously decided to go to Canada's wonderland with Kevin and I. They had season passes and I got a day pass from Shopper's Drug Mart. Kevin's a great guy who I felt very comfortable around very quickly. We all just seemed to click remarkably well right off the bat. There was none of that "Oh gosh! He's blind! What do I do?" hesitation at all. We just started relating and enjoying the day. I doubt they have any idea whatsoever of just how long I've been hoping something like this would happen or just how refreshing their attitude towards me was. Who'd have thought that a decision to take a walk around the lake rather than just make a bacon and egg brunch and get on with another solitary saturday would lead to such a fun and successful day? It makes up for a whole lot of frustrating lonely time when stuff like this happens.

It was fantastic to be back in the theme park I knew so well as a child. I haven't been back since that trip I wrote about in A Life of Word and Sound. By far, the Bohemoth is the best new ride and best rollercoaster I've ever been on. It's smooth, the drops are thrillingly steep, and the turns are exciting without feeling the need to thwack your head into the restraints. It's even got some actual length to it and you don't walk away feeling like the ride wasn't worth waiting in line for. Of course, that waiting is made tremendously more pallitable by the company one keeps. In that department, I was in very good hands indeed. I very much look forward to getting to know Carine and Kevin better over the next while. There are so many occasions where you know people don't mean to follow through with friendship, getting together and such. This doesn't feel like such an occasion. They both struck me as interested in hanging out on future occasions.

In another major development, I've ultimately decided to explore the possibilities of a serious long-distance relationship with Janet, the very helpful lady who I met at Lake Joe. She seemed very interested in my being her boyfriend right from the start and remains so now. I was somewhat indecisive due to the distance involved. We won't be able to just go for coffee or short visits. Both of us are on ODSP and have the same financial constraints. She understands that I'm ultimately after a marriage and would prefer she moved in with me here. I want something more than just loving words. I want a life lived together with someone who respects my efforts contributing to society. Someone who doesn't negate my positive attitude or cripple my ability to be friends with and give to other people. Here in this apartment and community, I've finally begun to truly set down roots and build a life worth sharing. I'm also close to family. I doubt I'd ever get such a suitable subsidised apartment again should I leave this one. Ultimately, I suppose I'd be willing to but the level of convincing I'd need that I wouldn't be left high and dry would be formidable. Perhaps, as some people suggest, that slow build-up of confidences and conversation will lead to a relationship built on a better foundation. I'd have to eat my words and old ideas about how frought with uncertainty and anxt such relationships seem bound to be. God has certainly delighted in proving me wrong many times before. I, in turn, have typically been very delighted to be corrected. There's still a whole lot of uncertain territory to explore. However, it's high time to try something new. God knows I've tried damned near everything which seems the least bit sensible and sain to me by this stage. You'd think one of the 600 or so women more local to me would have taken me up on the long-standing offer to treet for coffee, or perhaps, on a long shot, someone from my church. But no! It's a lady from Peterborough with a learning disability who has somehow gleanned enough about me over a week in an abnormal environment to find me worth pursuing seriously. Go figure. I certainly have a good sense that our core values match up well. We're both Christians who go to church regularly. Both of us have come to terms with where society has stuck us and decided to make the best of the situation rather than spend time being bitter. We both deeply value time with our friends and the whole art of friendship. Both of us have an innate sense of responsibility to others around us and try to be helpful whenever possible. She has a good sense of humour and doesn't get all upset when teased. All that seems quite promising. However, there's still a lot of ground to cover in terms of finding common interests. When a good book absorbs me for hours at a stretch, is she going to be interested also, have her own equally absorbing amusement which bores the liver out of me, or be pulling her hair out in frustration wishing I wasn't such a damned deep thinker? How about when insomnia rouses me from bed at absurd o'clock in what can only generously be called morning? And then, of course, there's how irritable I get when writer's block sticks around for an extended visit. Having a cheerful partner who pulls me away from the keyboard and helps me engage more with the rest of life at such times would certainly be helpful there. Unlike Rebecca, there won't be any conflict between my efforts to contribute to the world despite not getting paid for it. Janet admires my drive to do what good I can with the talents and time I have. She instinctively seems to have approached her own life in much the same way. Neither of us want children so that's another big source of dissatisfaction among couples out of the way. Those are just some of the things to be explored as much as long distance allows. Due to our week at Lake Joe, I've had the chance to determine that I find her physically attractive. She certainly seems to find me to be so.

This Summer has been truly profound for me. Hard on the bank balance but very restorative to the soul. I even begin to hope that this winter won't be quite so solitary as prior ones. Even if things do spread out more evenly in the year socially speaking, I suspect that Summer will always be a more active and expensive season for me. Things really seem to be permanently changing for the better though. I have a much greater sense of starting to fit in, like I'm building a life rather than rolling around like a ball too large to ever fall into a hole.

It's now tuesday morning. Been up since around four this morning but I'm feeling pretty good despite that. Yesterday was laundry day for the most part plus some writing plus other bits of stuff. Never got out for a walk but I'll be doing that today to the Dam and back barring sudden bad weather. My legs have long since recovered from my impromptu expedition to Canada's Wonderland. In a while, I'll make myself a nice bacon and egg brunch. I've finally polished off all the pineapple and strawberries for this order of groceries so it's on to the oranges. Just for variety and in case the oranges go bad, I have some of those fruit cups in the fridge. Grocery Gateway is owned by Longo's and they're quite rightly known for their quality fresh fruit among other things. It's rare that I have to throw anything out other than potatoes.

I was very sad to hear of the death of Jack Layton yesterday. He was such a caring thoughtful man that even the prospect of a Conservative majority government didn't worry me too greatly with him leading the opposition. I've grabbed his book, Speaking Out, Ideas that Work for Canadians. The CNIB digital library had it in accessible mp3 format. I've read the beginning and think I'm in for some thought-provoking stuff. I've no doubt that he planned ahead for this eventuality and that the NDP will live up to what Canadians who voted mainly for Jack expect of them. It must be so hard on his family. He never got to enjoy retirement with them like my parents are able to do. When you've spent so much of life having empty days blend into each other, it's always a bit of a shock when time runs out on someone so deserving of more. Rest in peace, Jack. You and I were after the same sort of community-based country and world where people aren't tossed aside in the name of the bottom line.

Family will be taking centre stage in my own life over the next while. My grandmother is coming for a visit tomorrow. She'll be staying with my parents for a few days before we take her to her sister Kay in Bright Ontario. It'll be Kay's 91st birthday in early September and at some point between now and then, my Uncle Neil and Aunt Cathy will be staying with mom and dad so they can join the celebration. It's been quite a while since I've seen either of them. It'll certainly make for a very different September this year. Everything feels different and fresh these days. Different and absolutely wonderful.

A Most Splendid Season

2011-08-10T16:26:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. It's past time I got another blog entry out to you all. The past while has been both on the whole pleasant and busy. I've fully gotten over my illness and been back to the Dam each week. I find these Summer hours somewhat slow. If anything, the kids seem more occupied and full of energy which means there's less opportunity for me to really get engaged in other than keeping a hopefully helpful ear on things. In the autumn, I'll begin staying later on tuesdays to help lead discussions on various issues. I keenly look forward to that. It'll be of immense help when the teens are actually present in order to talk about something.

I should be sleeping right now. Did a walk today, got together with Shirley for a long overdue catch-up chat, and haven't even eaten much. I've played every damned card I have other than taking my sleeping medication of choice, a cheep Graval knock-off. Took it last night and got a good sleep but wanted to be up and not groggy for church... later this morning. My brain just refuses to wind down and let me sleep. It's ten to fucking three! Wanted to get a blog entry out long before this, august 7th, but the words just never worked out.

Other than this sleping difficulty, I've had a terrific if expensive time this summer sans the week after getting back from Lake Joe. My desktop computer is now busy converting my Audible books into more easily navigable MP3 files. Had Audible just spared a moment's thought for blind people who, ... oh, just might be their most captive loyal audience on the planet and made it possible to navigate their books as they were read in Windowsmedia on a Windows machine, I wouldn't have had to do this. Thank God I've got this netbook. It'll be around another day or so before it's done and I started the process yesterday afternoon. I'm converting all three of the Dream Park novels and hope Audible eventually does the Moon Maze Game, the fourth long-awaited book in the series. Now that I've bought DRMbuster which can convert the books into MP3s, Audible is at last worth belonging to for me. The iPHONE app also works great and thankfully allows blind people the same latitude of navigation as sighted folks. I'm going to cancel my Samnet subscription to be able to afford Audible. I really haven't used it as much as I thought I would. The descriptive movies are nice but the chat community has simply dried up. Everyone's in the game room and nobody seems to simply look for a good conversation anymore. Not unless there's three different other things to be doing at the same damned time. The art of friendship seems to be changing drastically if not exactly dying.

It's now the morning of the 10th. Still haven't exactly kicked the insomnia to the curb but I'll live. My next order of groceries will be arriving soon. That could see me through the rest of the month but it would be a stretch. We'll see how that goes. Now that people are coming back from their vacations as Summer heads into the final stretch, the likelyhood of guests increases. I'm having one tomorrow who'll be staying for a few days. Stephen Murgaski, blind adventurer extraordinaire and my good friend since early grade school is coming to visit. It'll be great to have him here and catch up more fully with everything. I've been seeing more of Doug and Nann lately. Got to meet a couple of their good friends including one who I previously just read emails about. It'll be a hoot to return the favour and introduce them to Steve this week. They've heard a fair bit about him but didn't get to meet him durring his last visit. Yesterday was a great day at the Dam which made up for so much dead time there. I got into good conversations with two of the youth for basically the whole afternoon. One girl chatted with me for most of that time, a good two hours or so. For the first time in quite a while, I enjoyed that sensation of being at the right place at the right time and being able to do a good job. I think I made some serious headway, or at least a good beginning with each of them. The rain cleared up so I was able to walk back from the Dam. Didn't get lost this time. Once it locked on, the Trekker worked perfectly.

This is an exceptionally enjoyable Summer for me. I've felt a lot more drawn into the community here. I've always found comfort and security in being well known. That seems to surprise a good number of people who cling to privacy like it's some sort of refuge that could disappear all too easily. The better I'm known around here, the safer I am as I go about. Plus, if I'm ever going to find a job or get another crack at marriage some day, it'll most likely be because people know me as a kind compassionate person willing to pitch in and help out however I can. One lady who said hello to me on the path around the lake didn't give me her name. What was I going to do other than know how to address her? Launch a name-seeking missile her way or something? People just don't seem to have time for community and haven't the foggiest idea what they've been turning away from. Given enough information, I can be of real help to people, a contributing part to their lives rather than simply a man with a cane to look out for. Especially to the folks whose English could do with some improvement. I've had numerous residents in the building who fall into that category expend considerable effort in asking me how I cook my food. They don't seem to give a tinker's cuss about anything else so long as I don't seem likely to burn the building down. Wonder how many of them smoke while they're less than fully alert. If I thought for a moment that they'd understand the reply; "Well a lot of blind people use ordinary or talking appliances like microwaves, George Forman grills and such. Me, I've come to truly cherish my flamethrower." I'd be ever so sorely tempted to use it at times. I hate it when people leave with a one-dimensional impression of me. Thankfully, that phenominon is at last being balanced by more people actually getting to know somewhat more about me. I'm very much enjoying being more a part of the community rather than the human equivalent of a strange bug under a microscope. I'm hopeful that things will keep getting better here over the years as more people slowly learn more about me and I them.

The groceries are all stowed away. I at last have actual buns for the burgers I never got around to eating. However, I forgot to order salad dressing for my vegies. Oops. Still feels good to be all stocked up. The delivery person was a woman this time. First I can remember for Grocery Gateway. Would have been interesting to talk to her more. She's only been working there for six weeks. There's a little tidying up to do yet but on the whole, I'm nice and ready for company tomorrow. That increased activity will, I hope, allow me to at last ditch the insomnia for a while.

During the Summer, my church is doing a series of questions asked by God of his people in the bible. The challenge is to come up with our own answers. Most people are submitting them on cards anonimously. I plan to do an article with an answer for the newslettres published by the church over the next months. It'll be good to have something like that to do on a regular basis. I'm hoping it'll help stave off writer's block a tad. The church has certainly continued to be a very positive factor in life for me. I attempted to walk there a couple of weeks ago and succeeded despite not having used the route since I learned it last year. The Trekker Breeze gave me enough information to keep me on track and remind me of what I would have forgotten. It took around an hour to get there. Didn't stand much during the service. The legs certainly felt stiff for a while. All the walking I've done this year has certainly paid off. I'm feeling quite good overall even while contending with insomnia. Having things to look forward to in my calendar helps also. I'm finally able to use my iPHONE's calendar effectively. Took a bit of tinkerring but I figured it out in true manly fashion without recourse to the manual.

I have no doubt I've left out some events I might have blogged about had I gotten to this entry sooner. There have certainly been more visits and things than in previous years. Twitter has also helpped tremendously to keep the edge off the more solitary days. For a while, all we heard about in the news was the phone hacking scandal. That's at last been brushed away by these crazy riots in London as well as the unsteady world economic situation. Those riots must be something else to live near. You'd think people would show a bit more sense. Smashing and burning businesses isn't going to make things better for anybody. I hope we're not in for another global recession. We've just barely poked our heads out of the last one. Although my current personal circumstances would bennefit from falling prices as they did during the last one, I would prefer to live in a world where people are more hopeful and where effort is more rewarded. It's one thing if I face the hopelessness I have. It's something else entirely when people all around me face the same difficulties and fear losing all they've worked so hard for. There probably is a danger that in a particularly long deep recession, ODSP and housing cuts could seriously effect me. Although they didn't lower my income during the last recession, I presume such cuts are always a possibility. For now though, I can enjoy the rest of the Summer confident that I'll be able to put some money away for the next Summer over the winter. Things should work out alright barring any unexpected events.

Finally got to see Allison and my three nieces again. Dan was busy working. They've had quite a good summer also. They went camping for the first time right when the heet wave was in full force. We were all a bit worried about how Alleah would do. As things turned out, they all had a great time and will be going camping again later in the month. Wasn't certain how well that kind of trip away from the comforts of home would go over with Ava and Amia but they seem to have enjoyed it. Later this month, my grandmother is coming so I expect to be doing quite a bit with the family nearer the end of August. That's always an interesting break from the normal.

Lake Joe and Aftermath, July 2-13

2011-07-13T11:39:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. Things are off to a good start up here at Lake Jo this year. There are a number of excellent people to talk to and no real bad or unwittingly annoying apples. My roommate is a nice enough if somewhat unfocussed fellow. He doesn't seem to use his cane at all. It just leans in a corner of the room while he follows people around everywhere. He's definitely got mental issues but they're thankfully of the more tame variety. I'm having quite a relaxing time here although my sleeping has yet to return to normal. Had a very poor sleep Saturday night but a very good one if somewhat badly timed last night. It's now Monday morning. I've just done my first online check of email and such. Nothing has happened yet to cause message traffic to spike so I won't check again for a couple of days. It would be damned nice if they finally got proper wifi up here even if only in the welcome centre. I always have to pull the cable from another computer and hook it into mine. I helped a young lady make a phone call using my Skype and it would have been ever so much more convenient were I able to do that from more places around here.

There are a number of pairs of people with the same name and it would be ever so devilishly amusing to get them all together unexpectedly in conversation somehow. At least five or six pairs of similarly named people. Not quite like the class I was in which had six of us Mikes in it. Supply teachers never knew what hit them. Those were the days.

Looks like the food here is going to be up to its usual excellent standards. Other than the first dinner which was pasta, I've enjoyed pretty much everything. I don't know what whoever was in charge of choosing the juice glasses to be used this year was smoking though. They're tiny things. I usually go through two or three in a meal and don't feel at all competent to pour into them while at a crowded table. I'm a pretty steady hand when it comes to pouring so that's saying something. They should have stuck those glasses in the cabin washrooms and chosen larger glasses which actually encourage those not expert in the art to try. Spills and misses are pretty much a given with glasses like these at the table. I have no other gripes with the kitchen or food at all. However, why is there only one set of shelves in each cabin? I can live without closets and dressers but for heaven's sake! At least give each client his/her own set of shelves. Thank goodness my roommate is able to keep who has what on which shelf straight.

Not certain if I'll end up with any new long-term friends but there are at least some hopeful prospects and I'm definitely in for a week of good conversation. A couple of nice ladies seem quite interested in keeping in touch but they're out in Peter borough and I have no idea how far away that is. Guess we'll see how things go. One of them is fully sighted but on ODSP due to learning difficulty. She's here as a guide for her slightly less mentally capable friend who has lost most of her sight. Like me, this first sighted lady is attempting to live as helpful and productive a life as she can. In addition to helping her friend here, she's managing to help just about everyone else around her while still having a good time herself. If nothing else, it gives me hope that there are other people out there like me who take what they're given and make the best of their situation. The ODSP Fireside list plus the failure of my Silver Smiles group to attract more than a few members had given me the impression that I was more one of a kind than I actually am. Thank God I was wrong about that. It's so good to have at least a smidgeon of long-term hope in the marriage department again. This lady and I don't appear to share enough interests for more than a friendship. Add to that the distance involved and there's not a ton of hope. Ultimately, I would certainly consider moving somewhere new for someone I loved but there's the whole process of finding out that she's worth it to go through first. I have a whole lot to be thankful for where I currently live and would much rather share that situation with someone than walk away from all I've started to build there.

It's been a very nice couple of days weather wise. I'm indoors at the moment sitting in the lounge with my netbook. I've spent the rest of the day other than around an hour this morning outside. The sun has felt great and the conversation has been plentiful. I'm expecting good weather to continue through the rest of the week. I've chosen two offsite trips to go on. I'm trying out the Band on the Bay trip which I believe takes us into Parry Sound to a sort of summer local concert series. .

It's now Tuesday morning. Monday was nice but long. I keep getting up early and not sleeping the full night through. Despite that, I feel pretty damned good. I enjoyed a coffee down in the administration centre and am now seated in the lounge. People will slowly start to congregate here as breakfast draws nearer. I won't spend quite so much time out in the sun today. Missed a few spots with sunscreen which are a tad toasted. I'll be going on a pontoon boat they have here in the afternoon. No real plans other than that. I've added a couple more people to my file of contacts. One guy seems very interested in keeping in touch and can hook me up with others closer to me. This certainly has possibilities. I'm doing far better with the whole contacts thing than in previous years. Perhaps, it's a sign of more interesting times to come.

Had a nap for an hour this morning and feel better for it. Hopefully, the later return from the band on the bay trip tonight will help insure a more solid sleep. Lunch will be in a little while. Breakfast was certainly good. Not certain I would have liked supper tonight but I'll be able to buy some food at the band on the bay venue.

It's Wednesday morning now. I got a somewhat better sleep after a wonderful Tuesday. I had good company for pretty much the entire time. The weather was great other than a sudden heavy rain which occurred while I was out on the pontoon boat cruise. It was still a fun ride and it's not like I melted or anything. While I attended the Band on the Bay, the talent show was taking place back at Lake Joe and a few people I've struck up friendships with decided to do one of my poems. I found a file which contained all my old poems. The one they chose was a short one I had completely forgotten about. Apparently, people liked it. The Band on the Bay was quite an excellent event. The Garage Band, in actuality a single band rather than the festival I originally supposed it to be, was quite good. It played a mix of contemporary and older hits which kept the audience of locals and ourselves quite entertained. It was also the occasion for a couple of beers, a very good barbecued hotdog and a Hagen dos ice cream bar. Haven't had one of those things in ages. I got to chat with a local couple who were curious about what life was like as a blind person. In such friendly circumstances, I can't say I mind wearing the blindness ambassadorial hat at all. Also, I got a chance to get to know a very special fellow named ethen Lu. I've avoided the use of names in this blog but will gladly make an exception in his case. He's a very musically gifted fellow from Taiwan. Having visited Canada for two years, he would very much like to stay and make his life here. However, unless something happens, he'll be forced to leave around the middle of next month. He very much likes sports and would like to make his living as a busker. I don't get the impression he thinks it likely that he will find happiness in Taiwan. I have no idea if any of my readers might be able to help him or point him to people who can. However, he liked the idea of my having made an audioboo of his piano playing and giving his email for people to write him. I didn't get to hear him play his accordion but was very impressed with his sure hand on the piano. His email is ethen1989@gmail.com
He would love to hear from anyone who can help him or who simply wish to get to know him. I, for one, hope he manages either to stay in Canada or apply to immigrate here from Taiwan. He's the decent sort of fellow you just can't help wanting to see prosperous and happy.

Wednesday morning passed by mainly pleasantly. One fellow who sat at lunch with us took exception to a lady's less than totally cheerful take on things and her not unreasonable complaint that there weren't any diabetic desserts. I sincerely hope that situation is rectified. It must be even harder on the diabetic kids hearing friends remark on the excellent baked desserts we're treated to here. By the way, the bread at Lake Joe is unfailingly awesome year after year. The fellow's nice enough but one of these "successes" who tends to think everyone should just get on with it, snap out of it, fit into some employed slot in the system of society just because he's managed to do it with low vision. It almost smacks of the same kind of desperate faith that says to the afflicted or suffering: "Believe enough, and you'll be miraculously healed." A lot of people just can't cope with others who are similar in some broad way to themselves but whose lives have taken different paths which seem less fortunate in their estimation. As usual, my blessing or curse was to be able to sympathize with both sides of the equation. I was wishing she would keep her misery to herself even as alarm bells sounded in my mind that I had made this mistake before. Selfishly, I wanted to enjoy my cream puff fully and always find it difficult when I learn that others aren't as well provisioned as yours truly. I haven't thought much about Rebecca as a general rule of thumb but she was brought forcefully to mind this afternoon. How often, despite knowing what I did about depression, had I wished with all my heart that she'd just snap out of it and enjoy the present? It was somewhat different with this lady. Not depression. Something, some basic capacity, was missing in her. He seemed completely oblivious and/or uncaring about the possibility. I had met this girl who lost her sight to a tumour some years before. I told the man while we jogged along that some people just aren't ready to hear that well-meant but damaging flog of "snap out of it." or move on. There wasn't really time for a protracted discussion and I've learned from experience just how hard it is to really get one of these folks to come to grips with the fact that we're all different and that the system simply doesn't work for all of us. Silently, I wondered whether he'd ask a man with no legs to run a marathon with equal gusto. She responds emotionally to things much as a child with each new event exerting powerfully on her current mood. I'll have to do some careful probing later but I have a strong suspicion here. Much like me with Rebecca, the only thing this man did by lecturing her at lunch was compound the problem. For much of the time, all I did for Rebecca by trying to show her the bright side of life was inflict even more damage making her feel worse than she already did. Intellectually, I think she agreed with me much of the time but that only made her feel worse for not being able to be cheerful. Some people just aren't capable of sucking it up and getting with the program. "Time doesn't stand still" was the line he tossed out like a kind of mantra as we walked I forget where. That's all too true. Instead of trying to help each other along, we tend to fling it at those who can't keep up with us like a kind of extra lash from a perfect future of belonging dangled forever out of our reach like the damned myth it actually is. At last, I can face that lash with restored dignity. Living this life lets me contribute my gifts to society in many ways. I've already helped countless people with my past efforts and remain confident that the projects I now work on will one day help more once they're completed. I have a church, friends and family who respect me as a person and the kind of life I try to lead. While I'm certainly open to opportunities to change my circumstances which don't involve the equivalent of jumping off a cliff, the days when I'd jump at absolutely anything in the name of gaining self-respect and that of others are long behind me. By no means am I letting life pass me by. I live a different life, but one that is no less worthy than others. I'm through feeling like I have to justify my unemployed status to people. I'm far more of the mind that society as a whole must justify it to me and many others besides. So much potential has been thrown away by this meaningless quest for self-sufficiency; So many people trampled and made to feel less than worthless despite all the good they do behind the scenes. I guess that's what I've come to hate the most. Even more than the opportunities out of reach, I detest coming up against these people whose accomplishments and personhood I fully respect but who don't respect anything we unemployed do which doesn't lead to our own financial independence. To do him justice, I believe he realized pretty quickly that I categorically reject the notion that I'm "letting life pass me by". He seems eager to keep in contact also and hook me up with people nearer to me. I'll certainly take him up on that. There may be some interim good I can do, or just perhaps, something larger might come out of it. You never know. As I say, he's a nice enough guy when you get past the probably unconsciously brusk exterior.

It's evening now. Everyone's off at Bingo. I have no use whatsoever for that game. Even slot machines are an improvement upon it since they don't require such prolonged attention. Give me substance! A group interactive role-play game perhaps, or some board game beyond the commonplace. A tradition that's very unlikely to change, Bingo night has probably been a widely cherished part of the Lake Joe experience since the very beginning. I'm in the welcome centre with my netbook and speakers. At last! I believe I've figured out what's going on with the unhappy lady. Over dinner, I gently put some questions to her about her life and hit the jackpot. Similar to Peter, an acquaintance of my past who also had a tumour removed, this woman has lost her sight and sense of smell completely. She has also effectively lost her childhood. Her earliest memory is of her mother leaning over the operating table just prior to the removal of the tumour. It's stunning when you stop and think of the implications of that. . She's in her early twenties and has literally lost all clear memories of growing up. She's lost all the countless experiences of interactions and circumstances that the rest of us take for granted when we emotionally assess things. She doesn't have the anchor of life experience which keeps us steady. When you look at it through that lens, I'm frankly amazed she's doing as well as she is. Learning to cope in a world without sight while trying to find her identity constitute a monumental path of challenges I can only dimly imagine despite my intimate familiarity with around half of what she faces. A lot more of the things she's said this week so far suddenly have a great deal more context. How would any of us cope without the memories of our formative years?

Poor Ethen lost his cane for a bit earlier today. I heard an anguished moan of worry and found him in the hall. He asked me to help look for his misplaced cane and handed me the key to his room. I felt everywhere in that room a cane could possibly think of hiding but found nothing to Ethen's increasing distress. Thankfully, a staff member was near and put out a radio call. She learned that Ethen had actually left his cane on the beach and it was soon back in his hands. However, I forgot that he had handed me his key and he went through another terrible moment's anguish thinking it was lost while searching for the cane. Once I realized I had two keys in my pocket and returned his, Ethen was once again his happy self. The whole experience struck me as somewhat quaint. I could imagine Aladdin in equal anguish after he found that his magic lamp had been given away to the enemy magician. He had no idea that the cane would prove so easily found. I think he was most worried that people would be angry with him for having misplaced the cane. Perhaps, they're harder to come by in his country.

It's Thursday morning. What an odd and slightly embarrassing end to Wednesday. By the time everyone showed up in the welcome centre for last-minute snacks, I was somewhat disengaged and tired. I found myself suddenly awake having fallen asleep in my chair with my computer and gear packed and slung over my shoulder. Doubtless, people will remember that with a degree of damnable mirth. Only fare I suppose. God knows I've gained plenty of dark amusement from the lapses of others over the years. As embarrassing as it was, this slight unexpected dip into the land of nod preceded a really excellent sleep. I feel very awake and ready for my final day here.

Today, I plan to meet for a conversation with an artist doing workshops here for the clients who, according to one of the staff here, would find my perspective and sense of place to be of much interest. I'm always happy to chat with creative people and will be interested in his impressions after a week's exposure to blind and visually impaired people. I've made some very good contacts here and had great conversations. Although I haven't come away from it with any profound nuggets for use in my game or book, I have gained a sense of social balance that I doubt I'll experience again for quite some time. There's just something wonderful about being able to find one's way around a place easily and find people to talk to pretty much whenever one desires company. I'll miss that. There are always a number of very pleasant people and a number of quite extraordinary ones. Unlike many, and after years of dashed hopes, I now count myself a member of both groups. I know I've turned an important corner over the past while. Coming here has shown me the fruits of all the inner reflection and wrestling. My patience, sense of self-worth, willingness to consider new endeavours, and more have all been put to the test and I've passed. I'm the me I want to be for myself and for others.

It's now Wednesday, July 13. This entry was supposed to conclude on Saturday with me home and settled reflecting on the remainder of my trip. Unfortunately, I seem to have brought back a bug of some sort with me. I've been ill for the past five days. Although still not fully recovered, I'm definitely well on the way there. This illness hit me with runny stuffy nose, body aches, and lethargy similar to last year's illness. This overpowering desire to lay down would come over me. I'd do so and then wake to discover that hours had passed. I've missed whole chunks of the past days like this. Thankfully, unlike last year, my hearing wasn't nearly so badly effected. I've missed out on a visit with the family, church, and volunteering at the Dam for this week. However, I'm glad I was able to enjoy my full vacation before it set in. By the end of the week, I ought to be back to my normal self.

Thursday was another terrific day. I got out to the beech for a while and then relaxed on the deck near the welcome centre. The artist was a fascinating man to talk with. There were two of them actually. While the clay bowl I made didn't make it back with me, Mike's contact information did. He thinks he may want my help editing his project blog about this larger program he's engaged in working with blind and low-vision people. He's keen to explore various forms of communication among other things. I could easily plough through a few beers and a pile of wings in such good company. The trip to the Legion got cancelled. We went there but it turned out to be closed. Some others went into Don Cherry's in Parry Sound but I chose to remain behind. It was a good choice. I enjoyed the rest of the evening with some excellent company and am perfectly glad to have foregone alcohol in exchange. Bought a new shirt instead of the booze in support of a good cause. A splendid final night at Lake Joe all around.

On the way home, my parents and I stopped off to see an old family friend. I haven't seen the man I've always thought of as Uncle Franc despite there being no family relation other than good friend. He's a painter who could easily have also succeeded in being a comedian. He doesn't quite still sound like I remembered him sounding in years past but still keeps a keen wit about him. At one point, he was explaining how all this technology stuff which has been so central to my life just goes right past him. He told us how his son once tried to talk him into taking and using his old computer. Franc asked what he would do with it and his son described how he could store files and photos among other things. Franc suggested that he keep the computer and just leave the box. They could order pizza and then when it was done, he'd also have a laptop. As usual with Uncle Franc, you have to hear him say these things to get anything like the full effect. It was terrific to get to see him again. His daughter Michelle also stopped in to visit with kids of her own. It seemed so strange as she used to baby sit my brother and I way back when. I missed hearing the final shuttle launch live but was happy to learn later that the mission was off to a good start. Hearing history happen is one thing. Getting to visit with people who are an important part of one's own personal history is priceless.

Things are definitely on the mend with me now. I'm hopeful that I can stay awake for the whole day today. Didn't quite achieve that yesterday but came close. My nose is still a tad stuffed but I can taste and smell things again properly. Other than a brief pain when I cough, my throat has come through this in good shape. I can't tell you how thankful I am that my ears have come through this relatively unscathed. Things got muted over Sunday and Monday when things were at their worst but nothing like what happened last year. I think I'll be able to enjoy the rest of my Summer this year rather than sleep through its tail end like last year. For an excellent week away like I've had, I can deal with this current thankfully retreating illness.

During my waking hours, I've managed to read most of a nifty book in the CNIB library called 20th Century Ghosts. I thoroughly enjoyed the stories I heard but know that I've slept through a couple of large chunks. Because they were short stories, I don't feel nearly as bad as if I had missed gaping parts of a novel. Short stories are definitely the way to go when one is prone to nodding off without warning. I'll have to take another stab at writing a collection of those at some point. Other than working on this blog entry and getting mainly caught up on emails, I haven't accomplished a whole lot. Over the next day or two, I'll at last get around to sending initial emails to the people who have given me their addresses at Lake Joe. Meant to get to that a whole lot sooner than this, but things get a bit daft when chunks of day disappear on you. One thing I definitely have to do this week is order my next batch of groceries. one of the handy things about living so close to family is that mom was able to grab some fresh fruit and vegetables. I succeeded in my previous plan to end up with nothing in the fridge when I left which might have gone bad while I was away. This whole episode will have the beneficial effect of changing the timing of my major grocery orders to a far better monthly cycle. My Rogers bill is also paid up for the month thanks to earlier accidental overpayment. All of that should help nicely with the bank balance next month. Overall, the last five days not withstanding, I think this Summer is going wonderfully. I hope to be back out there taking my strolls around Lake Aquitaine quite soon, perhaps even by Friday. Given last night's cooking scare though, I'll err on the side of caution. That was an odd little episode. I set dinner cooking on the George Forman, set the timer on the talking microwave and sat at my desk to catch up on tweets while dinner cooked for fifteen minutes. I paused to relax for a moment and drifted away. The beeping of the timer brought me back around to hear the grill sizzling in the kitchen. Unfortunately, perhaps because of the horror book I had been reading, my mind came up with all sorts of other things which might have been the source of the sizzling prompting my adrenal glands to jump needlessly into action. Imagine going from days of drifting lethargy to fully ready to take drastic action in a split second as consciousness returned. Like suddenly falling off a cliff you had no idea you were on the edge of. Needless to say, I'm sticking to the microwave today. Think I'll quit this entry while I'm still ahead and get something guaranteed not to sizzle, like a cold glass of ice tea. That's the ticket.

Summer Life and Travel

2011-06-23T16:03:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone. It's been quite a while since my last post. I've been on two trips which some might think complete opposites of each other. Both, however, were very inspirational and restorative. The first trip was the multiethnic conference in Grand Rapids Michigan. It was a long drive down there and back but the company was excellent. Things went quite well overall. I met and talked with a whole bunch of people who are interested in making my adopted denomination one which better shares power, resources, and leadership with all of the many diverse people who belong to it. If I came away with anything, it was a reminder of just how much room there is in God's kingdom. The workshops were interesting also giving a kind of overview of the many steps being taken to solve diversity issues faced by my denomination and others. With God pitching in and all of these good people and ideas, we'll get there eventually. What good one does by going to these events is somewhat difficult to quantify. While I've learned a lot myself, I find it hard to tell whether I contributed much. A whole lot of people took an interest in me as I went about with all my gadgets and such. I'm hopeful that perhaps, my perspective on people which isn't based on appearance may have given some folks there food for thought. Also, there were a number who were quite shocked that I could use an iPHONE and netbook. Perhaps, that will cause them to re-think any preconceptions they may have had of other ethnic groups. At long last, I finally was able to hear some of the resistance to change and inclusiveness up close. In some of the questions asked of presenters, you could hear the fear of change. How far would things go? What might have to be left behind? I still have material to go through from the workshops. I gave quite a number of people my contact information and very much hope to hear from some eventually. They're the kind of people who I'd be honoured to call friends.

My second trip was to Selkirk Ontario where I spent last weekend camping with five other fine folks including my friend Ron Schamerhorn. In contrast to the fast-paced hectic conference, there was plenty of time to relax and talk. I don't see most of these people between these excursions. However, over the years, they've become far more than simple camping companions due to the sheer dint of conversation we've had. Each of them is going at life a little differently. There's a couple who are trying to climb the career ladder while keeping a marriage going. They travelled with a friendly if excited little dog. As much as I enjoy petting her, I was also once again made profoundly thankful that I chose to go with a cane rather than a dog. They're like having a little kid around who you have to keep an eye on all the time. Not at all what I'd want in life without the compensations that come with raising an actual child. There was Ron, my friend who's pretty much in my position in life other than having a couple of nasty vices to deal with. He consumed far more beer than I did but seemed none the worse for it. Had I drank that much, I believe I would have been positively ill. He, on the other hand, maintained his faculties surprisingly well. The organizer of the camp is a happily single non-religious Jew who teaches mentally challenged kids. He very much enjoys these outings as occasions where he can say what he thinks without reprimand and blow off some steam. He's a very good cook even after alcohol has sunk its teeth into him. A polite Nova Scotian who has made Ontario his home was the last of my companions five. Always willing to help, he's the kind of guy who you'd cheerfully trust with your life. Very even-tempered and easy-going. There were a lot of differences but despite those, the group just seemed to glide through a most enjoyable weekend. It's interesting who fate throws together and who remains friends where others fall away. As usual, there were some misadventures. By the time I realized that my sleeping bag and pillow weren't in the tent, it was absurdly late and the man with keys to the truck where said articles were happened to be asleep. I thought I'd spare him the extra wake up since he hadn't slept well over the past while. I, for one, can strongly sympathize with what that's like and figured I'd be fine in my clothes. Drifting off more easily than I normally do, I was surprised to wake up shivering in the early hours of Saturday. It seems sleeping bags have their uses after all. Didn't think nearly so much wind would come into the tent as was the case. On Saturday night, I had a far more comfortable and solid sleep thanks to the sleeping bag and pillow. There was also the small but amusing incident, [to them], of my falling backwards out of a less than stable chair first thing in the morning with no alcohol required. The weekend was full of good-natured teasing and fun. I partially zoned out of a conversation and tried to reenter it with a bit of a non-sequitur earning me the nickname of Bananas. I profoundly hope that one doesn't stick. An annual trip with this bunch is something I wouldn't be a bit surprised to still be enjoying decades from now. Having a weekend with people who actually have time and inclination to talk to each other is an extremely enjoyable change from days spent in this apartment even if I've come to better terms with what passes for normal life.

There was a dinner and evening at the Dam on Monday. It combined a brief board meeting with a fellowship evening for all the volunteers and was very enjoyable. Learning a little about the actual effect we as an organization were having was most interesting. I also got to talk with a number of people who I volunteer with at some length. Any opportunity to get to know people in a relaxed fashion is most welcome. Tuesday was unexpectedly free since the Dam was closed for a staff meeting. I spent it doing laundry, tidying up around here, and ordering groceries. I also got in a walk around the lake before the rain started up. It took a little longer to do this grocery order since I've tried to adjust things to have as little wasted by my week away at Lake Jo and other trips like this weekend's as possible. Everything arrived yesterday with only a few substitutions. I'll just need to get some fruit and vegetables once back from vacation. This Summer is certainly draining my cash reserves more than I anticipated but I'll manage to enjoy it without going into debt or anything. After 2012, I'll be out of my TV and Internet contract with Rogers and be able to scale those back gaining extra wiggle room that way. I don't use TV all that much these days and would switch to a basic package now if there weren't a penalty to pay for doing that. I may also be able to go with a lighter Internet package although that'll require some further consideration over the next while. It gets easier to understand what drives many of my fellow ODSP recipients over that edge of inpatient hopelessness where they stop caring if they go into debt and spend for a moment's enjoyment. I thank my lucky stars that my father taught me what being in debt was like before it really mattered. Not being compelled to spend on cigarettes or alcohol are two more precious advantages I have. I'm ever so glad that neither of those addictions have gotten the better of me. My nature drives me more in the direction of a clear steady mind that would rather escape into a book or game than a bottle any day. I'll never even entertain the notion of trying cigarettes, but certainly enjoy a good drink. Perhaps, I'm more cautious with alcohol than I need to be. Eight beers proved an extravagant enjoyment for my camping weekend while others consumed three times as much. I simply like to remember my good times and savour the taste of beer rather than any buzz. For a time after Janene walked away from me, I fell into the trap of using alcohol as a means to try to escape from time itself letting myself zone out rather than face yet another empty dull afternoon. However, I learned that the price was a kind of lingering heavy frustrated lethargy which prevented the enjoyment of more time which could have been better used were I not under its effects. I don't believe I'll fall into that trap again now. Patience and discipline are worth their weight in gold when you live a life like this.

It's Thursday afternoon now. I've been pecking at this blog entry for quite some time. The rain is hammering down on my balcony railing but none is blowing in through my open screen door. You almost feel like you're cheating nature hearing so much force, being able to stand out beyond your door without getting drenched for reckless impudence. I've grown very fond of my balcony. It adds a very welcome dimension of space which I couldn't have appreciated until I had one in my own dwelling here. Cabin fever would have been far more an issue for me over the last year had my apartment not included one.

Each trip this Summer has given me quite a lot to think about. I know that eventually, these experiences will make their way into my creative writing projects and autobiographical book. Events like the conference just have so much packed into them that it's hard for me to properly document them as they occur. Others like the camping trip demand a certain circumspection when blogging about them. This weekend, I'm off to visit Michelle and Jerry. They were the two friends who I haven't seen in eight years who discovered me on Facebook. This will be my first visit their way. I'll be staying overnight and beginning the process of teaching them more about their computers. Both Michelle and Jerry have managed to get onto Twitter themselves although I expect there are some finer points to help them with. I'll be bringing my netbook along to help give them more of a crash tour of what kinds of things are available and accessible to them. It'll be interesting to see how this more extended get-together goes. We've led very different lives. Neither of them are as well read as I am nor so prone to deep thinking. Especially when teaching them about computers, I'll have to be very mindful that they likely aren't going to know things that I've come to take for granted over the years. There should be lots to talk about as I become more familiar with what their normal lives are like, but I could be wrong. At least I've found two people who are interested in attempting serious friendship. That's more than I can say for most residents of my building. From force of habit, I remove the chain lock each morning on the off chance someone should knock. Nobody ever has though. It's simply a habit born of misplaced hope. Despite all the changes over the past while, I still often go days without opening my apartment door. I certainly won't be going out today with all the rain that's been coming down. Glad I got out yesterday with dad for a nice brunch at Symposium Cafe. Their burgers and martinis are still as awesome as ever. The staff are friendly as they always have been despite all the changes in management over the years. It's good to have a place like that which I can reach on my own.

In a little over a week, I'll be going on my trip to Lake Joseph. Things are pretty much in hand regarding that. I'll take up pretty much the same stuff as last year. Granted, there is a whole lot more on my netbook in terms of audio and music. I recently bought a bunch of Patrick O'hearn's music. I was impressed by a number of pieces I heard on Sky FM's new age Internet radio station over the past while and I hadn't added to my library of instrumental music in quite some time. If nothing else, I'll at least have a week among people who share some of my audio interests. Lets just hope they're in possession of more of their faculties than some notable ones were last time. A week of good conversation among people who have at least shared some of my experiences in life would do a whole lot of good. There's always the slight hope that I'll come away with some new friends or perhaps even something more. A very slight hope given the distances around Ontario people come to Lake Joseph from, but you never know. it's happened before to more than just me. There hasn't been so much as a nibble from either of the dating sites I'm still on. I've laid my cards out on those tables as best I might and done all that I think worth doing on those sites. Either it'll happen or it won't. Meanwhile, there are a lot of perks to enjoy as a single man. One of which is rediscovering and reading books one has read before. I've been going through the Rift War saga again by Raymond E. Feist. The CNIB digital library has them all narrated by a fantastic English guy who more than does them justice. I guess they've got some sort of deal with the RNIB these days. Long may that partnership continue. Those books have done a great deal to bring a sense of companionship and adventure to the many hours which have otherwise lacked this quality in real modern life.

Well I guess that pretty much brings you up to date. Not much has happened on the writing front although I've done a little work on the online dating chapter of my autobiographical book. Also, I've come up with a few new place ideas for enchantment's Twilight. Nothing tremendous, but I'll take every little bit of progress I can get these days and be very thankful for it. As to insomnia, I've been doing quite well in the sleep department lately. All the activity of the past while has gotten me feeling very good about things in general. But for a lack of creative ideas, I feel at the top of my game.

Reflections At Rest

2011-06-09T08:52:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone. I don't ususally write blog entries this close together. Nothing really spectacular has happened. It just feels right that I do. I've been up sincearound three AM. It's now just approaching seven. I'm out on my balcony using my netbook. May stay out here all day if it keeps nice like this. There's a wonderful breeze coming in over the rail. I'm listenning to CBC Radio1 and enjoying a bit of a racoon's breakfast. A muffin, a small handful of smoked almonds and some dried mango slices. I didn't think of how thematically appropriate such a breakfast is. Tomorrow, I'll be headding off to a place where I hope to help very different flavours of Christian people come together to better form the delicious blend of life that God wants our dinomination to. Unfortunately, making that happen is a whole lot harder than making my tasty breakfast was.

I'd now finished both eating breakfast and hearing the news and weather. Sounds like today's going to be nice and somewhat cooler than yesterday. Persumng I'm not catching up on missed sleep via dozing, I'll likely head out for a walk at some point and spend most of the day out here. Hopefully, some extensive use of this netbook's keyboard will help my notetaking abilities at the conference. The workshops all sound very interesting. Can't remember which ones I checked when filling out the registration form but I imagine I'll receive that info at the conference when I get there. I think I'm pretty much ready aside from a small amount of packing I'll do today. I met all sorts of interesting good people last time and expect that'll happen again this year. There's wifi available so I'll try and blog dayly rather than post one big one at the end of the event.

In those long small hours I've already passed through today, I decided to hear a favorite movie of mine called Snowcake. Alan Rickman plays an Englishman who was involved in a fatal accident while giving a young woman a lift. Driven by gilt and responsibility, he goes to see Vivienne's mother. She turns out to have Autism and reacts in completely unexpected ways to Vivienne's death. The acting in the film is first-rate. Sigourney Weaver plays Linda Freeman, the autistic mother, very well as far as I can judge having never met anybody at all like her. I've found a deep and welcome sense of humanity prevailing, a sense that if we're willing, there's the possibility of at least some earthly redemption for mistakes of our past. We can become better people. I find the same sort of hope and restoration in movies like Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, and stil an all-time favorite, Stranger Than Fiction. Perhaps, I'll take that one in again later. I think it's going to be one of those somewhat long, drifting solitary but nonetheless very enjoyable days.

The confirmation package for my week away at Lake Joe has come in. While most semsible people were sleeping peacefully, I gave it a looking over. LThey added a few different offsite trips. Independant bands are playing all summer as part of a nearby concert series. YYou can have dinner there and it may very well prove an enjoyable evening. They also have a five-pin bowling excursion. Not overly up my alley, but I might partake. The traditional Legion trip is also on offer. That's a definite must. Provided a good bunch of people choose the same week, I ought to have a better time than last year. Thanks to my conversation with John Morgan, I know at least one bright fellow into good conversation who'll be going at the same time. Haven't seen Grlpreet in quite a spell. It'll be good to catch up.

Not much else to write about just now. Had an excellent bunch with my father and his neighbour Jim who joined us. Got my laundry all done and I don't think packing wil take more than fifteen minuts or so. I anticipate a rather neventful day online. However, I could easily be wrong there. Haven't checkedemail or Twitter in over eight hours. One never knows.

Life Goes On

2011-06-07T11:51:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone. It's another tuesday morning. Life is certainly moving along. In three days, I'll be heading off to a church conference in Grand Rapids Michigan. I've been gathering things in accesible form like the schedule and information about the speakers. It's all going on my netbook just like two years ago. Yes, shocking as it is, that much time has truly passed. Events like this certainly have a way of putting one's life in perspective. Back then, I had no idea that I'd be in my own apartment. Going into this, I feel at least a little more knowledgeable than I was last time. Still, it's such a different world and there's loads to learn.

Facebook is one of those sites which I find very annoying to deal with. However, every time I get close to thinking about deleting my acount there, something happens to stay my hand. This time was no exeption. A couple who I inadvertently lost touch with around eight years ago found me thanks to my Facebook profile. Michelle used to attend a youth group for blind people back when I was growing up in Mississauga. She's a very simple soul who had the misfortune to slide through the cracks of the education system. Enough sight to make teachers think she was being lazy and not give her the help she needed. She's very short and if you heard her, you'd swear on your life that she couldn't be any older than thirteen or so. However, in reality, she's as old as I am. Get past the appearance which I'm told is child-like and the voice to match, and you'll discover that time and adult life have indeed left their marks. She's amazing when it comes to travelling around on public transit. When she wants to do something, she has a surprising degree of stubbornness. Last saturday was a prime example. It was absolutely pouring out there. I called to warn her of this but she still insisted on coming over with her saintly husband Jerry. He would have preferred to stay home and dry but Michele was quite determined to get together with me. I believe I was able to make the trip a worth-while one for poor Jerry. I only met him once before we fell out of near orbit and drifted into separate directions. It's ironic. I've been pushing as hard as I could and hoping to find new friends around here. Who'd have thought that my social prospects would improve for the Summber by having old friends chance upon me?

Michelle and Jerry both have computers but haven't gone very far yet in learning to use them. I certainly have the time and inclination to help them more into the digital age. They, in turn, are quite willing to help me go into Toronto and hang out with people in the blind community there who I've also lost touch with. I've never been very comfortable using public transportation on my own. It takes months to even try to learn a route somewhere for me. These two have been doing it non-stop and don't even have to have instruction to learn a new route. They'll just get up and go wherever they like. I wouldn't have thought of asking them to go so far out of their way to include me. It adds at least an hour to whatever trip they'd make. However, they just up and offered to do it with a simple natural manner which completely surprised me. Unlike most people I've dealt with over the past while, they have lots of time on their hands. Now, I have some sense of how other people feel when I offer my time as I have. I'll happily take them up on it. In turn, I'll spend the time it takes to help them make better use of their computers and take advantage of the online world. My father was good enough to drive us between the mall and my apartment during the rain.

We spent the afternoon and evening mainly chatting and catching up on what befell each of us over the past near decade. I introduced Jerry to margaritas, a favorite drink of mine. Michelle doesn't drink. The highlight of the visit was thanks to Twitter and Mushroom FM. I sent a tweet into Lulu Wells, a broadcaster from South Wales. Within five minutes, she mentionned my guests by name live on Internet radio. It just blew their minds that this sort of thing was possible. They want me to go over their way and teach them to get in on Twitter and internet radio. I'll be quite happy to do this. There are dead spots in my week which such excursions would fill very nicely. After a very good first visit, I walked them back to the mall and the busses with my Trekker Breeze. It took a while to lock on but I know the beginning of the way quite well even without the Breeze now.

The church had a barbecue on sunday which very nicely polished off the weekend. I've been marvelling over the past couple days how life seems to be filling in for me. So many things are sliding into place. I just got a call from John Morgan this morning. Now there's an excellent reason to miss a chunk of Lulu Wells's excellent extra Bear's Lair broadcast on Mushroom FM out here on the balcony. Haven't heard from John in quite a while now. He's kept pretty busy. However, he'd like to see about Sandy and also see me and the new stuff I've been masterring over the past while. I ran into Sandy as both of us were headding out to different places recently. He sounds alright but hasn't taken any steps to get back in greater touch with me. I don't have his number so John plans on buzzing him when he comes over eventually. Both of us are busy over the next while but we'll get it together at some point soon. It's so damned good to be able to say that. I've spent so much time with no scope for hope or change. That dead time seems to be well and truly over. God seems to have found me new engagement with people at last. Now, I know I'm in the right place at the right time. This need not be a box where I've simply been stuck away by society to slowly rot. There are possibilities to do good and enjoy it in turn. I just needed the right people to come along to hook up my engine to the great machine of life.

It's getting close to noon now. I'll be packing up my netbook and taking my gear inside. The breeeze coming in over the balcony rail has ben very nice. It's time to head in and make my brunch. Haven't had bacon and eggs in quite a while. After brunch, it'll be off to the Dam. Tomorrow, I'll be at Symposium Cafe having lunch with my father. Got a load of laundry to do after that among other chores. My world certainly does keep turning. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Doomsday and Other Happennings

2011-05-30T15:55:00.001-04:00

May 22:

Good incredibly early Monday morning. It's just after midnight but it's been a long while since I've felt such a sense of wholeness, hope and restoration. It'll be a while before I turn in despite yesterday's early morning intentional venture from bed. But I'll get to that in due course. There's so very much I ought to blog about.

When last I posted, I was about to go for a TV interview for a new show starting this Fall on the Accessible Channel. Nothing about it went as expected but it was still a very interesting experience. The transportation company hired to pick me up was over an hour late. For me, it was quite a pleasant hour waiting outside during a period of sunshine amid some gloomy days. I met and chatted with some folks outside my building. getting to the studio, the pace picked up as people tried to adjust their timeline to fit my late arrival. A lady put some dry powder on my forehead and didn't seem to worry about the rest of my exposed skin. I guess I had thoughts of being covered in some sort of goo so this was a pleasant surprise. Next, it was into what seemed an overly large studio with acoustics which made it hard to hear my interviewer at times. Presumably, it looked good though. As things turned out though, there wasn't much time to cover the subject at all. I had planned on demonstrating at least a couple of PC games followed by Stem stumper on the iPHONE. Things moved far too rapidly with too much time taken away by the introduction to show and studio. Pong is a great starting game but a very underwelming example of how advanced these games have become over the years. I just hope they provide the links people will need to find out more on their own initiative. There's so much story and fascinating history after nearly fifteen years of audio games but they simply don't offer much eye candy for the lumination dependent. A good radio documentary would do more for us I think. I rode back in a limousine they sent, presumably as a way of making amends for the late trip in. The driver was interesting to chat with. This impressed me far more than some fancy car ever could. And thus ended my first appearance on TV in a very long while.

As predicted, things sort of settled down after that. I say sort of because there was, of course, Mr. Camping's prediction that Judgement Day would fall on Saturday. This man and his organization has come from the fringes and somehow gotten an extraordinary amount of attention. His prediction is the first supernatural doomsday scenario which I've been old enough to consciously observe. I have no memory at all of his 1994 prediction invading my social surroundings at all. Things were very different this time. Everyone was talking about it as well as the people who went to such effort to tell the world that it was about to end.

I have somewhere around 120 followers on Twitter. They're either people I've come to know and respect due to their online efforts or people who seem to think I'm worthy of following for whatever reason. The rapture just kept coming up. None of them really bought it. Many saw it as a perfect example of why we'd be altogether better off without religion. There were endless snarky quips and questions. God won't be judging us on the 21st, Mr. Camping, but on the 22nd, we'll all be judging you. Would god remember to clean up his mess taking the bodies of those raptured up to heaven, or would the rest of us be stuck burying them while dealing with everything else? What time zone was God in again? I couldn't get through a day without someone who knew of my faith asking me weather I really thought the day of reckoning was upon us. I didn't for a moment, but it's strange how much these things unleash even in the sceptical.

It was all supposed to begin in New Zealand at precisely 2 AM Eastern time on Saturday morning or the dreaded 6 PM their time. And where was I when that very first hour of doom fell? I could have quite easily been asleep despite every intention not to be. Meaning to catch the start of Jonathan Mosen's Rapturous Explosion at 1 AM, I thought I'd snatch a couple hours of sleep first. I awoke at around 1:35 AM and was in full virtual attendance before 1:40. Cutting it somewhat closer than I intended but I made it to his virtual non-rapture party. Being agnostic, Mr. Mosen has got to be one of the most respectful people of the beliefs of others Who I've ever encountered. He's a family man who has let all of us follow his journey, come to know his wonderful second wife and children, and genuinely cares about others. He's one of the people in the world who help shape my belief in a kind, merciful and loving God who must surely have a better and more just judgement and end planned for us than what Mr. Camping predicted. I believe that I, as a believer, am saved and will live on in Heaven. If I'm to enjoy my eternal life, it's pretty much imperative that God deals with those good people who don't believe in him fairly. Should he fail to do that, people of conscience like me are going to have extreme difficulty deriving any enjoyment from existence. I don't for a moment believe that all good and deserving people will come to believe in Christ before they reach the end of their lives on Earth. If Doubting Thomas was able to touch him in order to believe, I have to think that God will provide similarly for those whose hearts are in the right place before passing judgement. Beyond the whole "no man shall know the hour" thing in Matthew which instantly gave me a gut level sense that Mr. Camping was just irretrievably off the mark, the utter lack of mercy during his envisioned sequence of world ending events struck me as preposterous. I knew that Mr. Mosen and company would have a fun time with this. Jonathan has been editing sounds, podcasts and shows for years now and the possibilities of what he might do for such an occasion as this were endless. I wanted to catch it all live and participate if I could. How far would he go in the interests of fun? Would fun win out over respectfulness? Might he pretend to be God, or when the time came, try to scare everyone via a well-executed audio mini disaster epic?

Many of my expectations in life have never been realized. This is especially the case in the areas of friendship and love. I have a number of very good friends but most of them are too busy, far away, or both to do a whole lot of regular hanging out with or wouldn't be all that interested in, for instance, going to a festival or other events which I'd have liked to experience. I've remarked on more than one occasion that I don't have many guests at all in the apartment. Also, there's no real place to go where you can just spend time conversing with people without there being other expectations or activities attached. In short, I have yet to really find my in-crowd to live life to the fullest with. That process has certainly slowly begun to happen here. I have some real hope of being in the social position I thought I'd occupy by the time I turned thirty when I hit forty. However, for the present, the closest thing to such a hangout and in-crowd that I've managed to find is being on Twitter while tuned into a show on Mushroom FM. Through listening to shows on this wonderful internet radio station while tweeting with the hosts and other community members, you eventually build a surprising sense of connection. It's a slow process as trivial or funny observations, brief commentaries, and bits of their lives build up like dust in the mind. Eventually, you're surprised by just how much you've come to care about the authors of tweets you've read. Not nearly as vivid or constructive as what you have with people you get together with, it's nevertheless a whole lot more worth-while than one might expect. Agreeing to share brief thoughts over a continual expanse of time builds a different sort of friendship. A year ago, I would have felt utterly cheated once again passing through yet another historic moment entirely alone. However, at some point around last November, things changed. Somehow the self I once was who could find a level of contentment in his circumstances and the bright side in everything was restored to me. In a very real way, I wasn't alone this time around. My apartment might be as empty of people as ever, but I nevertheless had a very real sense of participation with others on my Twitter list who were tuned in and listening. Jonathan and company provided the ambience and event while all of us could tweet in and thereby be a part of it.

Meka, a long-time listener from the US and talented would-be singer, wrote in to say how much she'd miss Jonathan and Julia and how good it was to have known them. Peggy, another American, joked that she was listening to hear Jonathan "get what was coming to him" with a to show she meant it jokingly. Another believer, Ray, expressed the hope that there be beer in Heaven. With the poise and wit we all love him for, Jonathan quickly shot back that Jesus had made wine before so he might be in luck on that score. There were the song requests for REM's End of the World as We Know it, Final Countdown, and Tom Lehrer's We'll all go Together When We Go which spoke volumes of those requesting them. Jonathan's wife Julia was present for part of the show after she had finished preparing a dinner of roast duck. Jonathan remarked during the show that he wasn't certain whether or not Julia would be raptured but that at least dinner was in the oven. Not knowing him, one might easily take that for a dreadfully chauvinistic remark. However, anybody who had listened to either of them for any length of time could only laugh and marvel at the deep abiding love those two have found. The quips and jokes flew thick and fast. A fellow show host in Australia hoped that two believers weren't flying the same airplane because that could get rather dicey.
Considering the whole Noah thing, wouldn't pets get raptured? Where does 2012 come in? Wasn't the world supposed to end then?

One thing that was unleashed in a lot of my followers and I over the past days was a great deal of reflection on our lives. No matter how sceptical we were that they'd soon be over, there were countless tweeted or blogged about moments of that. People glad to have found love, to have lived well, etc. A whole lot of us, myself included, couldn't help but count our blessings publicly. If any good came out of the efforts of Mr. Camping and his followers, I think that kind of thankfulness for what we've had was at least something positive.

Jonathan played All you Need is Love by the Beetles as his "last" song. The countdown came and seemed to fly past exceedingly quickly. As time was pulled out from under me like a magician's tablecloth, I experienced such a crowd of thoughts as to defy description. It couldn't be true, could it? I thought of all the friends I had known and briefly wondered whether any would make it into Mr. Camping's estimated 300 million lucky souls. I was thankful for all the wonderful podcasts, documentaries and shows which had given me so much food for thought over so many lonely days here. I may not have done as much in the world as I'd have liked to but there have been so many interesting trips of the mind. There was regret that I had been unable to find a special lady to have married and possibly shared the moment with. As usual, there was just furniture; The chair and desk which had served me quite well for years, the new Imac computer I was still just getting to know, the recently purchased keyboard my hands were poised on allowing me what human connection I had found at what just might be the end of everything. There were so many snippets of current history both personal and global sweeping through my mind. As I thought of my church, family, the events in space and on Earth, it just seemed so preposterous that it could all be swept away like garbage by any sort of loving God. Earlier in the week, Winamp had picked out Pop Goes the World by Men Without Hats. Hearing the song, I couldn't help but imagine Patrick Stuart, in his Captain Picard voice saying: "Oh the world won't end with a bang. Not even a whimper. Just a playful pop." As it had the first time, that thought forced me into a state of good cheer. And then, at last, the moment arrived. There was an awful stretch of time, a ghastly moment of inevitable dreadful uncertainty. We humans must be hard-wired to accept ideas as true at a subconscious primal level. I had dismissed all of Mr. Camping's thinking as bunk since I first heard of it, but for one brief moment, there was a gap in time where it all seemed plausible. I found myself bracing for some sort of impact and feeling surprisingly light and free of past regret. Even as I sadly contemplated all the good friends I'd never see again and hopes which would never be realized, there was a sense that I had given my best and gotten more than many for my troubles. Were things to actually wind down, I'd have felt robbed of whatever the future holds for me here on Earth. I wasn't the only one to experience that horrid moment of uncertainty. Many people tweeted in a similar sense of surprising relief that nothing had happened. Even Jonathan, as sceptical as he was, admitted to a moment's tention and surprising relief when it became evident that Mr. Camping was off the mark with his timing at the very least. Jonathan and company started to party in earnest now. "It looks like Judgement Day waits for another day. And what better cause for a global party is there? he said as Elton John's Still Standing came on the air.

Considering the sound editing skill this man had at his disposal, we Christians have been shown a good deal of grace by this man. He's a living example of why I'm so careful to keep a guard up when it comes to my religious beliefs. It can do a lot of good provided one doesn't go overboard and start trying to do God's judgement job for him. Sadly, even after such thoughts, that's easier said than done as I would learn not even two days later.

Saturday and Sunday were terrific. I enjoyed a wonderful brunch on my balcony sitting on one of my two new comfortable sling back chairs. The only slight downer was having run out of salsa for my scrambled eggs. I couldn't help thinking that had I been among the far too select group of Christians to have been raptured, I would have lessened the ability of looters who broke into my apartment to enjoy any of the eggs which had yet to go rotten. They'd have to do what I did and use garlic and spice instead. As they say these days, "Oops! My bad." Other than that, I believe I'd have left them in reasonably good shape food-wise. I enjoyed that days' Bear's Lair on Mushroom FM out on the balcony while slowly sipping at a margarita on ice. A cool gentle breeze blew in over the rail. I've spent many long excruciating hours wishing I weren't alone. However, the solitary life does have its sublime moments. One couldn't help but feel renewed living in time that, if only for a brief instance, had been uncertain. This was definitely one of them. After the show, I went out and walked around the lake a few times. I had several conversations and met a woman who was actually named Me. I'm not certain of the right spelling but that's how she said it. Never encountered someone with that name before. Hopefully, I can eventually get to know her further. As the dreaded hour of six o'clock arrived in Ontario, I was at home eating dinner with my parents. We had a good meal, caught some of the news, and then I went to work on dad's laptop. It uses XP Pro and when Microsoft Security Essentials refused to install on it, I thankfully found that Avast would work on his machine. It's a very slow old thing and I'm convinced there's stuff running on it that, being retired, he no longer needs. However, I have no idea what he could remove which would speed things up. He doesn't seem to mind at all. It took quite a while to get things sorted out.

Sunday started with a church service. When Pastor Sam asked us whether we had attended any rapture parties, I hesitantly started to raise my hand while thinking that "Sort of..." might have been the best answer there. Mark and Wendy came over to go out for dinner and Joseph was able to join us. I wanted these three to meet for some time now. As I thought would be the case, we all had a good time. Joseph knew of a burger place called Five Guys that the other three of us had yet to try so we'll hopefully do that eventually. Symposium Cafe got our business that evening. I should have done an audioboo while we were all there. Didn't have it ready to go like I should have. My three guests having left after a stroll around the lake, I decided to get my Trekker Breeze and go back out alone to do something I've waited to do all year.

Long-time readers of this blog may remember the keen sense of frustration I felt last year when I couldn't even find my way out onto the path around the lake near my building to join others during fireworks. I remember sitting on my balcony after at last giving up trying hearing how close the explosions and people enjoying them were but being completely unable to reach them. I've spent the majority of my life basically at the mercy of the willingness of others to attend such events with me. Although I prefer going to activities with people, the confinement of not being able to move around and go where I'd like to on my own terms has at times been very hard to live with. Unless you've been similarly limited in some way, I doubt you could comprehend the effect this has on one's life. This year, at long last, I succeeded in joining the people enjoying the fireworks set off near the lake by my building. It was absolutely wonderful to spend a couple of hours appreciating the sounds and warm weather, walking around in complete confidence of being able to return home, and most importantly, being with people with time and inclination to talk. There were a number of curious kids with questions I was happy to answer. I also met some adults who seemed around my age doing precisely what I was. It felt profoundly good to at last be in this position knowing that even if nothing else ever changed in my life here, there would at least be other such evenings to look forward to. I don't know if I'll encounter the people I met again, but there's at least a little hope on that score. I haven't felt such a sense of triumph, of being part of a community without owing my being present to another person's kindness before. I could hang out as long as I liked, drift around with the crowd, and head back without anybody's help. As things turned out, I did take a wrong turn and get briefly lost on the way back to my apartment. People had largely dispursed by this point so there wasn't anybody immediately there to ask directions of. I had brought my iPHONE on the off chance that I got into some sort of real trouble. However, using the new capability for the Trekker Breeze to route to landmarks, I was able to select one and so get directions back onto the proper pathway. I then set the Breeze to track in on the park entrance of my complex which lead up from the path around the lake. It was a simple matter to find my way back to the building with my wrong turn and recovery merely adding to my sense of long-awaited victory. Here's hoping it doesn't prove to be an overly wet summer this year. Wouldn't that just suck? FTo finally be somewhere I know how to get around only to be stuck indoors? Could happen that way I guess.

Upon getting home, I set up my netbook on the balcony for a while in order to start off this blog entry. However, I soon discovered that there seemed to be bugs out there and that it was starting to cool off. My netbook wasn't on all that long. However, a worm had managed to slip past my defences and access my email address information. It sent many spam messages without my being aware of the problem until I was alerted by people on my Twitter list. Thanks to them, I was able to quickly change my Gmail password preventing the worm from sending more emails. The next day, I set about eliminating the problem using Microsoft Security Essentials. I performed two full scans. They each took around three hours. I did the first one while the netbook was offline to prevent any possibility of spreading further harm. Thankfully, Security Essentials was able to detect and eliminate the problem. I then went online to get any unreceived updates for Windows in general and specifically for Microsoft Security Essentials. Once these were obtained, I took the computer back offline and did a second full scan. Six hours is a long time to wait and a long time for my netbook to be working at full throttle. I don't believe I've ever felt the thing while it was so hot. The fan inside truly got a workout. At last, the scan was done. No threats were detected this time. I've had no reports since of any further spam emails from my account being received by anybody. Remember when I said we should back away from being so willing to judge others? Well, I had a relapse on that score. Before I even really thought about what I was typing, I tweeted "If they rounded up all malware creators and spammers, they could make very good use of a low-yield nuke." In retrospect, this does strike me as perhaps a tad harsh and hasty. I've always tried to be as trust-worthy as possible particularly online. I treet my online identity as seriously as my offline one. They're the same thing and I try to take responsability for whatever is posted online in my name. People who undermine my identity by impersonating me in order to turn a profit will, I hope, get their punnishment. However, perhaps, a low-yield nuke would be a tad too drastic for God's liking. In some parts of the world, people are forced into criminal acts in order to survive or feed their children and one can sympathise after the initial anger of victimhood fades away. As Sandra, a church friend of mine said once, they're all victims too in one way or another. One has to let go and let God. Like I said before, that's a process easier recommended than followed. The human tendency is to lash out in defensiveness and vengefulness.

Helping my friend Joseph move into his new condo was unfortunately another exercise more in frustration than in heavy lifting. For most of the time, there were only three of us. One other man came forward to help when Joseph asked during the church service. However, he was only there for a brief time. Had there been even one more person from the beginning, things may have gone differently for me. As it was, I ended up spending most of the time standing around while the other two moved things. If people just take the twenty seconds needed to explain what they need me to do, I'm perfectly able to lift and even walk backwards while someone tells me where and when to turn. I felt exactly as I did when helping John and Sandy get his computer desk set up. Sandy and I were basically left to converse while John, a kindly octogenarian, put the desk together by himself. Words of explanation are all that are needed to make use of my brain and body. Sadly, it seems like sighted folks would rather spend time recovering from over-strained muscles or backs than take the much shorter time needed to make better use of me. To be ready, willing and able to help but rendered unable to safely do so for a lack of communication is exceedingly frustrating for me. I was eventually taken back home in time to go to the Dam as usual feeling like I could have done much more with the morning. There's nothing for it but to keep putting myself out there and hope that circumstances allow my gifts to be better recognised and put to use.

May 30:

It's now a week later. For a while there, nobody knew what Mr. Camping would do since his prediction had failed to happen. Speculation ranged from him having blown himself away rather than face his disappointed angry followers to all manner of other possibilities regarding what he might come out with next. Like it or not, he's still stuck on the planet with the rest of us. Eventually, Mr. Camping did what a lot of people likely expected him to do. I had held some faint hope that he would come to his senses and admit he was in error. Perhaps then, he would walk away from what the bible clearly says is an impossible task from the start and turn his long years of study to something more benneficial. No such luck though. We're now T minus 5 months and counting. The world will end, acording to Mr. Camping, on October 21. Couldn't he just wait until some time in November letting all the kids enjoy Haloween? There's also the matter of my birthday on October 29th. Come on, God. Hold those horsemen a while, will you? What happens when that date passes by with no drastic events whatsoever? I guess then, he could go for December 21, 2012 and grasp at the straws of the Mayans he has previously laughed at so much. Are there any doomsday predictions after that date? I don't believe I've heard of any at all past 2012. I guess there must be but they haven't caught on culturally at all.

It has certainly been fascinating to have experienced one of these supernaturally based predictions. The whole 2000 world-end stuff always struck me as being more about our ability to wipe ourselves out so I don't really count it as being a widely held supernatural doomsday scenario. The buildup to it had a very different feel than did Mr. Camping's date of reckonning. I pitty his followers who he managed to string along this far and are now prepared to follow him for yet another half-year. His prediction has completely ruined a whole lot of lives. I think of the children caught up in their parents' misplaced zeal. How many families have had their well-earned prosparity erased through a misguided attempt to do God's work? There are countless ramifications. For how many people will Mr. Camping's prediction prove to be the final nail in the coffin of former faith in a loving and merciful God? How many families have been needlessly divided by hurtful remarks and worse as people dealt with this sudden call of "Time's up!"? There's not much one can do to counter the effects of extremists among one's faith. I have an idea how the Muslims must feel as the actions of a very small number of Mohamed's followers get all the attention leaving moderate sensible people to be painted with the same harsh brush of damnation. For my part, I'll continue doing what I've always done; simply try to enjoy the good in God's world as much as I can while attempting to increase it for as many people as I can. In the final annalysis, that's all we can do; show the world through our own conduct, words and actions that we're not all like that. I have a lot of blessings in life. I have a comfortable apartment in an area that I'm finally starting to feel very familiar with. I still take the odd wrong turn but for the first time ever, I can actually imagine a day where I'll be so familiar with my surroundings as not to even have to think about them. Travelling around won't be the act of heavy concentration that it usually is for me. Starvation, freezing to death, and running completely out of money aren't concerns for me unless I did something incredibly foolish. I suppose anything is theoretically possible. It's hard to actually save up money especially with the odd unexpected expense or opportunity popping up. Grocery costs have gone up more than I expected. However, I can still hold my own fairly nicely. I've found a purpose and direction in life through my writing, recorrding events in this blog, and being where I can be of use to others. Unlike many families, my own is very supportive of me. Life on ODSP is so much harder for people without that advantage. I think of the kids at The Dam and hope that God sees fit to help them and their families maintain as healthy relationships as possible. When real life takes the stuffing out of you and crushes your hopes and dreams, it's been my family and some very good friends who have been there to help me pick up the pieces and cary on.

I've gotten up much later than intended after taking my sleeping aid of choice in the small hours being unable to drift off. I believe I'm skirting the edge of insomnia again and will take appropriate defensive measures. Thankfully, there's a lot going on this week. That tends to help. Also, June seems to be shaping up as a busy month overall. I have Minney coming over on thursday for computer assistance and a visit. It'll be good to see her again. There's the Dam tomorrow afternoon. The multiethnic conference covers the tenth through twelfth. The weekend after that, it appears I'll be camping with Ron and his crew of friends. That takes me right past the middle of the month and leaves me looking forward to Canada Day and my week away at Lake Jo. I'm very appreciative of how time just isn't dragging slowly along any more in my life. One or two days in a row with absolutely nothing happening can still be tougher to slog through especially on weekends. Periods where it rains often are becoming more oppressive for me. There have been a number of rainy days and I've noticed that they make me feel more gloomy than they did in earlier years. Whether it's an age-related thing or simply a reaction to having found more freedom outdoors and having that freedom eliminated by rain, or just being more sensitive to dampness in the air, I don't know.

Yesterday, I went to my youngest niece Alleah's christenning. She was very good during the service but people applauded after the baptism and I think that scared her a bit. The service stirred some old memories as it was very similar in ritual and form to what I remember growing up in an Anglican church. I don't believe I could ever go back to attending that kind of services again regularly. Too ritualistic, one was left with the feeling that if one didn't jump through X, Y, and Z hoops, you weren't a proper part of God's kingdom. My faith and innate sense of what's right tells me that the ongoing friendship between oneself and God is far more important. All that ritualistic back-and-forth just doesn't square with what worship is all about for me. Given my own period of wandering and then returning to faith in God, I trust that this will guard and keep her until she's truly ready to decide for herself, as I have, what she believes.

Staring someone's doomsday prediction in the teeth truly makes one conscious of God's gift to us of time. We still have time to wander, explore, live life as fully as our circumstances permit, and find our best potential. There's thankfully still time for us to enjoy what we have and to hope for still more opportunities to add to the richness and scope of our lives. One of these has come upon me this week. I had an excellent conversation with a man named Ryan Strunk. He's a programmer and long-time admirer of an old project I haven't thought much of in damned near a decade. It was a game called Sparkle. He believes he can program it into an audio arcade game, the very thing I had originally envisionned it as. It'll be a very long slow project. Both of us have other things on our plate. Having a game idea of mine actually programmed and playable has been a dream since childhood. It also gives me motivation to start tinkering with Goldwave and my large sound effects collection again. The experience I gain in sound combining and editing will serve me well years down the road when Enchantment's Twilight reaches a point in its development.One way or another, this Summer isn't going to be nearly as much of a creativity washout that last summer was. There's a whole lot more scope for hope on the social front. There'll be a lot more casual conversations with different people as I take greater advantage of the lake environment and perhaps the odd stop in Symposium Cafe for a meal or refreshing fruit smoothey or perhaps something stronger. Ideas are starting to emerge for Enchantment's Twilight. Nothing huge yet, but I'm just grateful it's moving at all at this stage. It adds to the sense that there are possibilities.

Riding the Wave of Life

2011-05-17T13:22:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone. It's another tuesday morning. The weather hasn't been great over the past few days. I had a great time late last week though. We had a few very nice warm days. I spent quite a bit of time outdoors walking around the lake meeting people and reacquainting myself with the area. I'm not quite at the point of competence I was at the end of last Autumn but that'll come back quickly enough. The Trekker Breeze is working splendidly. It seems I'm not the only one on ODSP around here. I met a lady who has a couple of mental conditions which mean that her brain can only function fully for a few hours a day at most. The rest of the time, she finds it hard to focus on things clearly and get much done. I was able to get her laughing and that felt good. I hope I never have to find out what it's like to truly lose my mental faculties. That thought creeps me out even more than losing my hearing. Given how much I rely upon sound, that's saying something.

I've also been gearing up for tomorrow's TV interview for the Accessible Channel. It's nice to know people out there still care about games accessible to blind people and that my expertise in that area is still valued. Recently, I did a podcast with Serotek as well about games for the IOS devices. I'm just beginning to get into those on my iPHONE. Now if I could just get the creation of Enchantment's Twilight back in gear again,... well, I guess all there is to do is keep trying and be patient with myself. God knows I've tried forcing creative stuff to come out of my brain and it just won't until it's ready. Thank goodness the weather is finally getting nicer. I can go for walks and at least put myself in the path of potentially interesting inspirational people.

This latest May 21st end of the world prediction keeps popping up everywhere. My twitter followers are having endless fun discussing it. This is the very first supernatural world end prediction that I've been conscious of. The group made an earlier 1994 prediction apparently but I have absolutely no memory of that enterring into life at all back then. The 2000 end of world stuff was more based on man-made disaster. I certainly remember people quoting bible verses and the like but the real thing hoverring over everyone was the fear that machines would cause disasters by failing all over the world as the dates rolled over. This time, God, out of patience and full of wrath, is front and centre in the worst way possible. The ultimate dad throwing the ultimate tantrum. No more warnings and no more Mr. nice guy. Just all the "good" folk snatched away and five months of Hell on a shaking Earth.

I don't believe God has left us any sort of code to crack when the time is right or anything like that. It'll just happen when it happens. All one does by making predictions like this is set oneself up for failure and give skeptics yet more reason to be so. My major problem with what they say is that it's simply too capricious. The merciful loving God I believe in just wouldn't act as this group tells us the bible says that he will. It just doesn't jive for me. I don't claim to know God all that intimately. I'm a relatively recent Christian who has yet to read the whole bible. However, I believe we're still very far from any sort of point of no return. Also, the whole thing about churches being utterly useless since 1998 simply doesn't fit facts. It certainly gets you thinking though. How do groups like this get so much attention? Are people that desperate for an escape from this world that they'd welcome such cruelty for those who don't believe? What if all the effort, time and money pumpped into spreading this latest cry of wolf were directed to more worth-while ends?

In other prior incidents of predicting the world ending, we've seen people do extraordinary things, give away all they have being convinced that they'd be raptured and not need it, etc. However, there are a couple of different elements to this latest scenario. The horrid but relatively brief post-rapture period they describe wouldn't leave anybody in shape to actually make use of what was given away. Also, and this is by far the saddest element to all this, salvation will be utterly impossible after the 21st. This leaves approximately five months of earthquakes and supernaturally caused insect-bite agony for any who remain on Earth. Such pain wouldn't be any sort of last-ditch attempt to get peoples' attention. It would simply be God's final fit of anger, an utterly unmerciful, dismal, and hopeless winding down of time. Giving stuff away would therefore not do anybody the least bit of good. I'm left wondering what, if anything besides presumably praying, members of this fringe group are doing to prepare. You don't exactly need to pack stuff before being raptured, do you? I guess they're trying to "save" as many souls as possible as quickly as possible. If my experience on that journey to faith is anything to go by, that kind of "believe or miss out" argument just isn't a good place to start. Also, what happens after the 21st when they're inevitably proved to be wrong as all too many others have been before them? Apparently, not all such dissapointed? groups fade into the sunset after their chosen dates come and go. Will we see another sect emerge to somehow try and compete with the multitude of existing branches of Christianity? You'd think there'd be enough for everyone already. What will all those people do after the long weekend I fully expect to enjoy?

There isn't a whole lot else extraordinary to talk about. Podcasts, family visits, and various conversations have kept life moving fairly nicely along over the past while. Doing the Serotalk Tech chat and talking to the creator of StemStumper was a distinct pleasure. I look forward to any more such opportunities. After tomorrow's interesting trip to a Tv studio, I expect things will once again settle down. I don't have any plans for the long weekend. Presuming nice weather and no other happennings, I may go out and see what goes on down at the lake. I may go again to the multiethnic conference held by the reformed dinomination to which I belong which happens in early June. Other than that, my week away in early July at the Lake Joseph centre is the only other thing planned over the next hopefully warm and mostly dry months. I don't want a damp rainy Summer. I wish I had more people or a special lady to hang out with and go places with. However, one way or another, I intend to spend a lot more of this Summer outdoors. I'd love it if I could spend that time in conversations which built and lead to stable friendships, but can't bring myself to expect that after last Summer. Most likely, there'll be many pleasant conversations which may well inspire my creativity but won't really break any barriers which would let me onto a more connected sustained social plane. I'll hear about festivals or events which I'd love to attend with people but won't know anybody interested in going. Barring something drastic and unexpected, my road to really changing that state of affairs is going to be long and very slow as people gradually learn more about me and I them during brief passing conversation or through church. Twitter has really been helpful in keeping empty days moving along and feeling less like they've been lived in a vacuum. I'm still amazed at how good I'm feeling overall. I'm not used to being able to just get through even very dull days and not find myself trapped in a blue funk of no escape. Last saturday was another such gloomy day which could have, even should have, brought me down from whatever emotional pillar I seem to be on. However, I was able to enjoy it quite well. Overall, I just seem to be more accepting of how things are and on more of a positive track. Hard to believe that it's been like this since November.

Soon now, I'll be off to the Dam for another afternoon. One thing I've got to do over the next while is try and hook up with Steve now that he's back from India. I haven't had a good talk with him yet about his trip or what I've been up to over the past while. There's a lot to catch up with there. I've been fiddling more with Audioboo lately and figured out how to add pictures to my "boos" as they're called. Haven't gotten many comments on the ones I've taken already but I guess a lot of my followers are blind and wouldn't see them. One new addition I'm very happy to have is a couple of very comfortable slingback balcony chairs. They're far more comfortable than the plastic ones I've used up until now and it'll be much more pleasant sitting out on the balcony this Summer presuming no loud construction work. They're very porous so they shouldn't be carried off by the wind or be too wet from the rain.

Post Election Thoughts And Other Happennings

2011-05-04T17:31:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone. It's been quite a week. Mainly, family events have predominated. My grandmother came from Winnipeg and I did quite a bit with her while she stayed with my parents. She was a bit overwhelmed by all the technology in my life during a brief stop in my apartment. It's such a different mode of existence than what she has known. The slot machines at the casino are more her speed. It's her favourite pastime. Joining her and my parents on a couple of excursions to said establishment, I can't say I'm at all more inclined to go there any more often than when she visits. I can justify it as a way to spend time with her and my family. It's good to hear her enjoying herself. She has more than earned the right to over a long life well lived. I do, of course, gamble only with some of the money she gave me. This time around, I actually won enough to pay for a couple of app's like Navigon for my iPHONE. Should anything happen to my Trekker Breeze, I'll at least have something to work with once I figured this app out.

Over the weekend, I celebrated my niece Ava's fifth birthday. That really spilled over into Monday, her actual birthday. Dan and Allison hosted a very well run happy party of kids at their house in Hamilton. Ava was far more happy to turn five this year than she was about becoming four last year. On Monday, I joined them for an outing to Chuck E. Cheese and had an enjoyable time helping carry tokens, pushing in the odd otherwise unreachable gas pedal as a good uncle ought, and hearing Ava and Amia enjoy themselves so very much. After that, we went back to my parents' house for more celebrating. I captured a little of it with a new app on my iPHONE called audioboo. It made for a very long but happy day that began with news of Osama bin Laden's death and ended with the formation of our new government.

On both subjects, my feelings are mixed but optimistic overall. Osama's death will very likely trigger revenge attacks. The man built his whole organization with the idea that he would very likely die sooner than later right from day one. Instead of one mastermind with a theoretically cohesive plan, we now have multiple heads on the snake free to strike at their own whim and all venom-spitting mad. Hope the Americans thought that through a bit. The man got better than he richly deserved. Were I a vengeful sort after retributive justice, the last thing I would have wanted would be for him to have died quickly. Perhaps, had he been chased by those operatives into a cave like everyone thought he was hiding in and left to rot there, that might have appeased some anger. However, he's just dead now. No information can be gleaned from his corpse. Nor can any further punishment be inflicted upon him other than that which God will certainly inflict. While his death prevents him from killing anybody else, it brings none of his victims back from the dead and elevates him to martyr status. Pandora's box has been well and truly opened.

Turning to the election we just had, I never thought things would be nearly so polarizing in outcome. Despite being a mainly Liberal-leaning man, I think the NDP will make a far better balance to harper. Jack struck me as the right man for that very important job provided he remains healthy. The Liberals can and must finally focus on cleaning house and regaining their consistency. Conservatives should look at this as an opportunity to show us more liberal-minded folk that they do actually care more than the negative campaign portrayals would have us believe. Harper has precisely what he's wanted now. "Give me a majority so I'm not perpetually hamstrung!" he asked us. Well, for better or worse, Canadians have given him that majority. We'll now at least stop wobbling about and head in a stable direction over the next while. That's something at least.

Conservatives do in fact care for those who are less fortunate. My father has been a staunch supporter of Conservatives for as long as I can remember. Despite that, he still very much values me and others in my predicament. Despite not having much prospect for steady jobs, we aren't of no value to him. I don't for a moment believe that all those who support the Conservative agenda ipso facto don't care about the environment, giving people second chances, etc. My father and I have had very different life experiences. He's seen the world of business largely work from his perspective. His efforts in school paid off with steady work which was available from very early on. He has remained with the same company General Electric, for his whole working life right up to an only slightly early retirement. He's been able to support his family well and kept a pretty healthy balance between work and the rest of life as far as I've been able to tell as his son.

I, in contrast, found that my education didn't lead to such a successful road. I've gotten to know many people whose efforts and gifts should have but weren't snapped up by big or small business. It's been a very different world for me than what the so-called experts predicted for my parents and I as I grew up. A world where virtue is often simply untapped. Where people can stay out of trouble, get a degree and still end up chronically unemployed. I've met too many people who have fallen through the cracks despite every effort not to and who had far better credentials than I. I can only hope that by the time the teens I try to be a good friend and mentor to at the Dam are ready, steady jobs are waiting for them. Hopefully, going with the devil we know was the right choice for that to happen. Everything depends on the willingness of this new parliament to sit down and really keep things together. The opposition has got to do a far better job at accepting that for better or worse, the Conservatives have won by a landslide and only oppose the will of the people where it really makes sense to and is necessary. The Conservative agenda was chosen in a pretty fair if somewhat too fear-driven personally negative election. I do so wish all the personal attacks could be done away with but am enough of a realist not to hold my breath. By the same token, I hope Mr. Harper listens to any objections and suggestions as he has said he would. The loudest message I think we've sent as Canadians is that we sure as shit don't want another election any time soon. We want things to get done in orderly and sensible fashion.

There's certainly room for some interesting developments. We've got a 19-year-old parliamentarian, the very first Green Party member MP, Quebec NDP members making a large part of our opposition in a party who has never been in that particular role federally before. They cleaned house in Quebec and devastated the Bloc. And no, reader. My optimism doesn't go far enough to believe that this means Quebec sovereignty is at last a dead horse. At best, it'll lie dormant for a while as we see how well Quebec interests are taken into account by Ottawa over the next while. I have a small hope that perhaps, at long last, some movement might be made toward healing that old tear in the fabric of our on the whole good nation. There are also something like thirty Liberals who have hung in there and survived the utterly crushing night for their party. A lot of very interesting pieces on the board now. Perhaps, there'll be more room for such individuals to make a real difference behind the scenes. Or, perhaps, that's just my incurable ever-present hope and optimism talking. I guess we'll all find out over the next while.

Happy Easter

2011-04-23T18:13:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone. It's yet another Easter weekend. This year, it has been excellent thus far. I went out with Mark and Wendy for lunch at a place called The Fire Pit. The burger and fries were excellent. Have to go back and try their souvlaki at some point. Things seemed pretty dead there. Guess most people were doing other stuff. My computer has behaved itself very nicely this week. I have now acquired a time capsule and magic trackpad thanks to a generous financial gift from my grandmother. The Time capsule is a combination backup drive and router. Setting it up was very easy. Thankfully, I was familiar enough with the Mac way of doing things to get things going. I also have now produced an image of my current Windows state and copied it over onto the time capsule should the problem I encountered last week resurfice. I very much hope that it won't but can't know for certain. Still, it's nice to know that restoring to that point in time is far less of a headache to rebuild from. I also am able to transfer files between my netbook and the pc wirelessly using the time capsule as an intermediary drive. This will be very nice indeed when I'm out on the balcony this Summer.

This morning, I managed to walk to the mall and back by myself for the first time this year. That felt wonderful. It didn't go perfectly. I ended up at the wrong mall entrance going there and took one long wrong turn going back. However, the Trekker Breeze did its job and got me back on course with minimal fuss. Rose joined me for a coffee while I had brunch there. It always feels so much better to have someone across the table to chat with even when there's absolutely no chance for romantic attachment. We're too different in too many ways. She's an interesting lady whose mind is always ticking away. If there's anybody who I feel is likely to say something which gives me an inspirational idea for my writing, it's her. Also, when I need to know about animals, especially horses, she'll have the first-hand knowledge I'm after. She's also studied mythology among other things which can be very fertile ground for story strands and such.

Today and tomorrow, I'll be hearing as much of the Mushroom FM birthday bash as I can. Hard to believe they've been around for that long. It has certainly become something for which I'm very grateful. It's interesting how the Easter long weekend has revealed both the blind community at its worst in earlier years, and what is unarguably an example of us at our best this year. I can think back to at least two aweful examples where a lack of patience and short tempers have provoked disasterous damaging arguments within the online community. In both cases, I felt that the stakes were too high for me to stay out of them letting things spiral out of hand. It would seem so very odd to celebrate with family while feeling forced to engage in these out of control messes during the same long weekend. This year, in a wonderful act of redemptive contrast, I can sit here and join in the Mushroom FM birthday bash. This is an absolute triumph of the blind community. The presenters have drawn in a very large friendly audience who have proved to be a very stable restorative bunch to hang around with online. They really appreciate their listenners and are willing to engage in ongoing conversation with their audience members via email and twitter. I've gained many followers who are fellow listenners. A year ago, I was really hoping and striving for more offline "real world" friends and largely trying to turn away from the digital world. It seemed like such a hollow and meaningless place that I felt utterly trapped in. That's all changed now. I still hope for more engagement with people around me and less time in front of the computer. I'm gradually getting my wish there. Slowly, people are getting to know me more. This Summer should result in more of this as I encounter people on outdoor walks and possibly at the Dam. That stays open during the Summer also. Over the past while, the value of what I've acomplished and what I participate in online has been restored to me. There's a greater sense of being connected in a meaningful if somewhat different way. Twitter has certainly grown on me over the past while and I largely have Mushroom FM to thank for that.

Tomorrow, there's a church breakfast before the Easter service. It ought to make for a very cheerful morning with a community who, sunday by sunday, I've slowly become a part of. After that, I'll be joining my family for Easter dinner. It'll be great to catch up with everyone. My parents have enjoyed a trip along with their neighbours. My brother Dan has had laser sergery and begun the process of trying to switch from a career in restaurant management to being a firefighter. Who'd have ever thunk? Doubtless, I'll also hear lots about what my cute little nieces have been up to while they snarf down Easter treets and race around under sugar power. There's nothing planned for monday. However, there's a slight possibility I'll be woken up by a phone call telling me I've won $500 from Mushroom FM. Can't say I'd mind that at all. I've stumbled across a couple more free books about game development so I'll be looking through those over the next while to see if they have any lessons or ideas I might find useful. It would feel so good to get Enchantment's Twilight really moving again. When I finally finish the design document, I know I'll feel like a million bucks. That's quite a ways off though. It's good to feel a sense of the possibility of life; that new conversations and adventures might be waiting around the next corner or in the next hour. It's good to be at peace with myself and life in general. It's been a long time coming. I hope that all my readers enjoy a happy Easter long weekend weather or not they believe.

First Crisis with New Computer

2011-04-17T21:12:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone. It's been a long last few days. It looks like I've just pulled through my first major crisis with this new Mac of mine. Slowly over the past while, working in Windows became more and more impossible as Windows Explorer would keep crashing and not being able to recover. This rendered the computer pretty useless for most things. Strangely, I could still always get speech and Kurzweil going. However, merely trying to examine a folder on the hard drive was usually a death sentence for Windows Explorer. I had to call the good folks at Frontier Computing who, when we found recovery was hopeless otherwise, showed me how to restore the complete Windows partitian from the Mac side using software called Winclone. This restored me to the state my computer was in when they first delivered it. I ended up having to perform this restoration twice more as I'd keep reaching points where I couldn't get speech going for love or money. Each time I did this, I unwittingly forfeited an authorisation for Jaws. Now, I've at last succeeded in reaching a point of apparent stability. I did this by disabling Jaws and using System Access and NVDA while the system obtained a whole thwack of updates for Windows7. The only other major difference is that I have elected to keep Internet Explorer 8 and not get 9 for now.

It was quite a long tedious process reaching this point. I feel like I've fought ten rounds only to win due to an unseen slippery patch on the ground that my enemy happened to step on. A pure fluke of luck. Did updates get installed differently? Did I do something different and crutial durring the last attempt that saved the day? I have no idea. Presumeably, I'll get new Jaws authorisations tomorrow and will be able to use it and my Braile display again. Meanwhile, I've been using mainly System Access. I managed to recover the text from the error event viewer which logged one of the last Windows Explorer crashes I experienced. Unlike before, the system was able to restart Windows Explorer and keep going without crashing. I have absolutely no idea why. Hopefully, the event error text will be more meaningful to other folks than it is to me. I'd hate to think I had gone through that slogging for no gain at all. Whether I've staved off the problem for good or it's slowly building to strike again is still uncertain. I'm going to back up absolutely every piece of writing I do for the next while. I'll also be slow to install more software until a virus of some sort is ruled out. Needless to say, I've tripple checked both my Imac and my external drive for any such thing. Initially, I found a couple of infected files including regcure and an unidentified trojan. Both have been killed and haven't resurficed.

On friday night, I was unexpectedly invited out for drinks and dinner with friends from church. It couldn't have come at a better time. Lost in my computer struggle, I had no idea it was as late in the evening as it was. Great conversation and good food were just what the doctor ordered. I enjoyed the evening thoroughly. On coming home, I stayed up until after two AM working on my computer. Had pretty much everything sorted and under control by around eleven. The rest of the day and today have been quite enjoyable. Damned nice to be able to look in a folder without freezing the system. Here's hoping it stays that way. I also fixed a lon-standing issue with Juice, my podcast grabber of choice. It's now operating very well. A matter of using compatibility mode. Once I get Jaws sorted out, I'm thinking of trying to use Winclone to make a backup image of Windows that I can restore much farther and faster from should I run into the same crap again.

I very much hope the weather at last makes up its mind to stay in Spring mode over the next while. It was snowing out there today and raining yesterday. I'd like to start getting out there and walking a bit more. To be at all motivated to do that, I need nice weather. Perhaps, this week, I'll also finally get to digging more into the Voiceover user guide and getting more of a grasp on the Mac OS which has seemingly just saved my busted Windows7 ass.

Personal Thoughts on Election 2011 and More

2011-04-14T00:46:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone. Things are off to a good start this week. My afternoon at the Dam went quite well. It's getting warmer out there and people tend to hang out and talk outside. That suits me and will all the more as it gets warmer. Time spent actually engaged with the teens in conversation is starting to go up. Monday was notable for its insane amount of wind. Had I ventured even a couple of metres away from the building, I may never have found my way back nor heard anybody ask if I needed help even if they yelled. The wind never let up all day. The day was also notable for the most off-kilter Twitter conversation I hope ever to have. It put me in mind of when the chief engineer responsible for Michael Chrichten's Jurassic Park explained about resonant yaw. It's an effect that happens when a rocket is launched incorrectly due to irregularity in propellant or some other deficiency. Once launched, it would go wildly off course and there was just no way at all to correct things. My conversation with Paul felt very much like that. Each of us were busy doing other things but kept being drawn back to this un sequential argument conducted in 140-character chunks over the course of the day. A lady at my church talked about how we all craved the understanding of others and hated to leave things in a state where we felt misunderstood. She's absolutely right there. I should have just realized how utterly hopeless things were much earlier on and continued with my own agenda. However, I just couldn't walk away thinking that a basically good man who I respected had been left with such a false impression of what I'm about and how I've conducted my life both online and off. Some times though, the only thing to do is to simply get on with living and let the judgement of others attend to itself. Easy to say but very difficult to do especially if you have as much solitary time on your hands as I do.

I've spent considerable time looking over the platform launch videos and reading the full platforms put forward by the Liberals, Conservatives and New Democratic Party. I've read all three completely now and have also heard last night's debate. Now that I actually have somewhere I can think of as a permanent home and community to build some semblance of a life in, I feel a lot more disposed to put some time into casting my vote intelligently. While I don't for a moment expect my circumstances to drastically improve or deteriorate due to who's in power, I do feel that our votes are a part of the legacy we leave. In that very small way at least, I can help to shape my country and give it something of who I am.

Kurzweil1000 stood me in good stead with the pdf files of the platforms. Converted them from inaccessible to accessible in very short order. There were some glitches but most were small chunks of nonsense I figured were page headers or something. One more major annoyance was having a whole chunk of text in the Conservative platform about how the opposition had forced us into an unnecessary election kept on being repeated again and again and... again!! all through the damned file. I've never been so fervently sick of hearing words I completely agree with. Somehow, I don't think that was the desired effect. I presume that in print, it appears only one time near the top of the document. The NDP and Liberals have their platforms on their pages in HTML. With the Conservatives, I had no option but to deal with the pdf file. That's not a huge deal for me although having the ability to click to various sections was nice. The NDP platform was by far the shortest. The Conservative and Liberal platforms seemed of pretty much equal length although I think the Conservative one was longer. I haven't done the whole university student thing and taken copious notes or anything. What I'll write about here are the impressions and things that have stuck with me. Perhaps, someone will find them to be useful. I'm no political junky. I don't pay all that much attention between elections and can only offer the in site of an educated mind given more time than most to think about news and things due to being unemployed. Also, being blind all my life, I may very well be missing visually obvious stuff like the condition of streets or other things in my environment that I don't come into contact with or hear in any way. Same goes for body language and such.

Frankly, I don't believe that we really needed another election just now. Democracy is being discredited as it has been since that idiotic attempt to form a coalition government to bring down Mr. Harper some time ago. That was definitely a low point of no return and the dust hasn't really settled since. Enmity between the parties just shouldn't have reached that point where they couldn't work together when we most needed them to. Harper's response of proroguing parliament really didn't sit well with me and still doesn't. You just shouldn't be able to call a halt to parliament when things don't go your way. You have to face the music then and there one way or another. Both sides sort of backed each other into a place where extreme action to unblock things and carry on was necessary. Surely, there was a less fractious and better way to go through that than the political game of Chicken we all found ourselves helplessly dragged through.. A national embarrassment if there ever was one.

I often think that perhaps, sending government and parliament on team-building exercises together might be a very good national investment. I think of the Saw movies where people are often presented with a means of mutual survival if they all cooperate. The cannon fodder in the films never seems to see the cooperative option in time before basically killing each other off thereby dooming themselves. I've often wondered seriously whether our politicians, placed in similar horrific circumstances, would see the cooperative option. Would any survivors perhaps be better able and more quick to seek cooperative solutions, or would we be back in quagmire territory like we are at present before a year was out? I certainly wouldn't hold my breath hoping for the former to be true after what I've heard.

The end result of the whole crazy alliance crap was that the Conservatives indeed changed course and came up with a stimulus plan that everyone could theoretically live with. So far as I can tell, this plan is indeed working and we're clawing our way back towards a more even prosperous path. Prices of things are certainly rising which must mean more average people can afford more than previously. Now that this plan concocted to appease the opposition is on course and actually working, they still can't get their thinking caps around the fact that a steady hand and patience to let this plan fully conclude is what is needed here.

I believe that the Conservatives really did need to come to their senses and give us an action plan to help people get through the recession. At the time, it really did strike me that the country needed more action and direction given what was happening elsewhere and starting to creep into this country. The method used to get that message to sink in is what I strongly objected to. Harper actually came through with what was needed though.

I'll be honest here. I'm not a big fan of the Conservatives. I tend to lean more liberal/NDP. Big business just doesn't always care enough about the people working for it or others effected by it. Short-term profit-driven thinking definitely needs to be balanced and curbed by regulations which take a longer more holistic societal view. Harper himself has never really struck my fancy either even before he called an inexcusable timeout on due process. However, the more deeply I look into things as this campaign unfolds, the more impressed I've become with the Conservative platform. I've even come to respect what Mr. Harper has managed to achieve despite all the stupidity we've seen lately. He and his party have put forth a platform which makes a tremendous amount of sense now. He has done the best job of convincing me that his party's agenda is what this country needs. There just isn't any big excuse to rush into an election. The excuses the opposition have trotted out just don't hold enough water for my liking.

Why the hell are these F35 fighters such a big deal? Our fleet of F18s is getting long in the tooth. The Liberals previously supported getting into this deal and tasking some of our brightest scientists to help develop these jets. Something like eight or nine other countries are involved in this project. That's a whole lot of expertise, ideas and research. Now that development and research is well underway, they suddenly want to pull the plug. I agree that it would likely have been better to have had open bids and due debate about the options before one was chosen. However, thanks to both governments, we're here now and have to start looking forward from this point. I don't know that I feel good about our brave pilots flying around in the absolutely cheapest thing we could get them. Anybody willing to put his or her life on the line for Canada deserves better than that and these F35s sound like they'll deliver a good compromise between the need to modernize our air force and the need to balance the books. There's also all the research and development benefits, spin offs, and doubtless Canadian jobs maintaining these fighters to consider. Why not learn from the Arrow and do something other than squander efforts already made this time around? Just a thought from a guy who can't get a job but did finish secondary school and paid attention in history classes. We have to stop changing direction on things and pick a course we can all stick with for a while. Five years is often enough to have an election.

Regarding law and order, I tend to agree with the Conservatives that the pendulum has swung too far in favour of criminals and away from victims. I've often heard about how overcrowded prisons are also. If we want people to serve more of their sentences like a lot of us do, we'll need more prisons. Whether it helps reform them or not, there are clearly people who ought to be locked up for the safety of everyone else. That shop owner, David Chen, was perhaps the most clear-cut example of the need to clean house with the law. He should never have been arrested let alone charged with assault for defending his shop and detaining a repeat criminal. I still remember how disgusted I felt when I first heard of that one. If crap like that can happen, things clearly need to be fixed. I would love to believe that a good enough carrot would make everyone see that honest is best. Being blind exposes me to a lot of the good in people. I often have no option but to take them at their word and have mainly found people to be honest, considerate and willing to help if I need it. However, even I see the need for there to be ultimate consequences to at least deter crime if not teach the criminal the value of morality. Some people can do a whole lot of damage and cause lots of misery if they aren't stopped or jailed. Having read each party's current crime strategy, I have to concede that the Conservative approach seems like it would fix more of our troubles than the others at present.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's how parties make it look like they're at opposite ends of an extreme. There's a whole section in the Conservative platform dealing with measures they're attempting to implement which give people the chance to reform and/or prevent young people from engaging in crime. On the other side, it isn't like the Liberals or NDP are suddenly going to fire the whole police force either and start handing out millions to criminals to satiate their greed. We have three different but reasonable approaches to an array of issues and must use our best judgement to pick which set of answers we like best. That should be the end of it, but no! I dearly wish all parties would get it through their heads that their opponents aren't complete idiots and neither are the voters. Politics could be so much of a higher civilized art than it is these days.

There's far too much antagonism. All parties are responding to what they see as the pressing needs of Canadians. People shouldn't have to come within inches of calling each other traitors to get their point across. Thankfully, the party platforms dial down the mud-slinging and give us actual directions to consider. The Conservatives really lay out their case well. They give good examples, back up what they say with a good amount of background info as with the F35s, and come across as a whole lot less extreme than I was expecting. They explain why it makes sense not to raise corporate taxes given where we are economically. They also put forward an excellent case for why the legal system needs a good hard jolt.

The Liberals and NDP also put forward quite good platforms. I liked a lot of the Liberal agenda as I was expecting to. In particular, the Learning Passport stood out as a capital idea. I've got one friend plunging into debt getting a college degree after losing his job during the recession. Another one, blind and on ODSP like me, tried and succeeded with a second attempt to get a degree. However, there don't seem to be any jobs for him and he's slowly paying back the money. There's supposed to be a procedure for debt forgiveness if work can't be found but the process is too damned long-winded and hard to complete and he has pretty much given up on it. I also think ahead to when my three little nieces are old enough to think about post-secondary education. Another angle I very much favour is the Liberal idea of bringing more accountability and openness to government. Both their ideas on making the default position of agencies to release information to the public and their thoughts on deploying the Internet to allow greater participation and openness are quite good. We've certainly lost at least one well-regarded civil servant who disagreed with Harper's agenda over the long-form census. It wouldn't surprise me to learn we've lost a lot more. I've also read about how government scientists feel pressured not to speak publicly without first checking with a government person responsible. That shouldn't be the environment in which publicly funded science takes place at all. That sort of thing should be more the kind of thing to spark an election than being unable to provide cost totals for extremely large and complex projects like upgrading our air force.

The NDP were the only party to really say they would do a lot for people with disabilities. Were we in a different place, I may very well have voted for them on those grounds alone. Jack also appeals to me as a leader for the country. I think he'd do a good professional job and stand by what he says. He's always struck me as that sort of man. However, I'm really not convinced that a government's actions will result in all that much immediate direct gain of actual opportunities for folks like me. Certainly not enough to override my stronger sense that the whole election should not have been called in the first place just now. Had the parties just waited and remained loyal working opposition while harper implemented the plan they held his feet to the fire to make him come up with in the first place, Either Jack or Michael could have had my vote. Mr. Ignatieff would, I think, make a good prime minister also. I naturally gravitate to his hopeful fatherly compassionate teacher's style and outlook. However, I first have to see that the Liberals and NDP are able to work with the government that we actually elected and help make certain stuff gets done well. Michael and Jack would be very good leaders but they rushed in too quickly before we really saw that. Had they waited even a couple more years, I may have felt differently. As things stand now, I'm leaning strongly in favour of letting Harper complete the plan which seems actually to be helping us out of our financial pickle. He's the devil we know. Once we're on more of an even track financially, we can more reasonably think of other directions. Just now though, we need a steady course and a calm captain. Harper may not be the most likeable man but I think he has shown himself to be able to stick to this plan. We can't keep wobbling back and forth like we've been brought to the brink of doing.

The debate very much put Harper in an excellent light and somewhat hollowed out Mr. Ignatieff in my judgement. Both the Liberals and NDP could have used the time much more profitably to give us more of the actual alternatives available rather than attack Harper as much as they did. Harper actually gave us quite a lot of the Conservative platform there and that puts him ahead for me. I doubt many people will have read all three platforms and watched all three launch videos online like I had the time to do. Everyone else seems to be running around working themselves to death just to keep up with the bills. It wouldn't surprise me if we had a very low turnout this time around. People are so fed up with the sniping and back-and-forth, the being on the brink. Whatever happens, I hope whoever wins gets a majority. More importantly, I hope the losers actually accept the judgement rendered this time and just get on with actual governance.

Wow! Where'd the day go? Didn't think I'd take this long to really get my thoughts down. Haven't really done a whole lot else. I went for a late afternoon walk with Shirley where we discussed mainly politics both British and Canadian. I think we walked three or perhaps even four times around the lake this time. We always seem to find things to talk about. I often feel like we're in some sort of tunnel as we don't tend to say hello or talk to other people as much as I would naturally. I think she's a bit too worried about a collision particularly with all the dogs and other animals out there. Little kids also seem fascinated by my cane. The Trekker Breeze is behaving quite nicely and I'm almost at the point where I'll start walking around the lake more on my own again. It's all coming back but it wasn't quite as instantly familiar as I had hoped. I actually had more of a sense of familiarity when we walked to the Dam yesterday. Next week, weather permitting, we'll walk there and back. Shirley apparently doesn't mind going both ways so I can take a stab at how well the reverse route has remained in my mind. I can't just presume that it has stuck as well as the route there seems to have. I have to record landmarks for each direction and hope that basically remains as a separate entity in my head. Simply trying to reverse a set of directions has never worked overly well for me. I've had to stop for sometimes minutes at a time thinking through whether a particular turn on a reverse route was in its proper place or not.

Tomorrow, there's a fairly hefty load of laundry to do. Also, I need to knuckle down and spend more time going through the Voiceover user guide on the Mac operating system. This whole political thing has kept me fairly busy these past few days. Having a place one can call home puts it all in much deeper context. The rent review came back from the folks at Peel Housing and I don't have to worry about rent increases at present. That's good to know. It increases that sense that I'll be here for as long as that's needed. I've lived for so much of my adult life with the prospect of not knowing where I'd ultimately end up in subsidized housing that having a permanent place still strikes me as a new sort of thing. Decisions I make here will actually have long-term ramifications to people who I'll slowly come to know over time. I'll perhaps run into some of these kids from The Dam when they're all through getting their educations and settling down in the community if they choose to. It's quite possible that a government I voted for might do something which has a direct profound effect on someone I actually know. There's my brother and his family, my parents, friends, and complete strangers who I'll hear about on the news or Twitter or email. So many voices out there.

So many in here too; the computer has several, the alarm clock, the microwave, the Trekker Breeze, the iPHONE. I'm slowly getting used to other gadgets having female voices but still find it slightly uncomfortable using one of those as my computer's main voice. A few women have pointed out how silly that is especially when I'm reading dating profiles and/or emails from women. That does strike me as strange when I hear a female's email read in a British man's voice I mainly use while in Windows7. However, I think I'd find it slightly creepy using a female voice for that because it would be the wrong woman's voice once I had heard the real thing. Incidentally, I have yet to hear from that lady who added me to her favourites on PlentyofFish. I suspect she has decided to look the other way like so many others. It's too damned easy for all of us to do that these days. How does one sharpen a virtual hook anyhow? There'll be a whole bunch more podcasts to grab tomorrow. I've been somewhat neglectful of those lately with the exception of last week's wonderful episode of Spark all about the prospect of digital companionship. It was superbly done. Nora, Dan and the rest of the Spark crew just keep cranking out good stuff. Have to catch up with From Our Own Correspondent, Tapestry, and many others. It's nice to have a surplus of podcasts. Actually having to pick and choose what to listen to feels damned good. I have a James Rollins thriller waiting in the wings also. His book Deep fathom was very nifty. I'm saving the new one for the weekend. I hope it stays as nice as it as been lately. If that's the case, I may spend a good chunk of Saturday afternoon out walking around after catching The Bear's Lair. That'll make for a nicely social day. Heard a beautiful song last week called The Journey by Lea Salonga. Didn't like a lot of other songs of hers I purchased but that one's a real treasure. The real trick for me is to try not to let myself come to a dead halt in silence like I did last weekend. I just have to plunge right into the next thing more and not pause for thought quite so much. If I do that and keep jumping at any opportunity to connect which comes along, things will at least be more tolerable and eventually become more interesting more of the time. Looking back, I've felt good most of the time since November or so. Quite a change from last year and downright stupendous when compared to the one before it. On that note, I believe I'll finally get this thing posted and hit the bed for a while. It's approaching one in the morning. Haven't been up this late in quite a while. Good sign? First step down the road to another dose of insomniac hell? Find out in the next captivating episode.

Suds, Sounds, Songs and Sentient Life

2011-04-09T19:44:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone. It's been a while since my last update so I figured I was about due for another. It's a very nice day out there. I went with Shirley for a walk around the lake. Presuming this warm weather continues, Shirley is going to walk with me to the Dam this tuesday. It'll be the first time I've done that in quite a while so I'll be glad of her company the first couple of times. Hopefully, things will fall into place in my head and I can go confidently myself after that. The Trekker Breeze is working pretty well out there around the lake calling most landmarks off in timely fashion. I'm hopeful that as things warm up and I spend more time out there, more people will start to get to know me. There are a few things in my favour this Summer over my first one here:
1. I haven't burned the building down after more than a year here. They may not be able to imagine how I can cook and clean safely, but they have to face the fact that I've clearly been doing so for some time.

2. I know more of my way around and won't always be travelling with an instructor trying to teach me. Makes actual casual conversation much easier.

3. More stuff is landmarked in my Trekker Breeze so I won't be as worried about getting lost due to not hearing landmarks I pass.

4. I'm generally recognised as a friendly person by people around here. Haven't gone mental and thwacked anybody with my cane during my time here. I trust people have noticed this and nobody is concerned about that presuming they ever were.

5. I haven't needed a whole lot of help doing stuff and taking care of myself. Getting involved with me isn't like being indentured. I gratefully accept help when it makes sence to and am just as ready to turn around and help people when I'm able to do so.

I've finally gotten another nibble on Plenty of Fish. I had pretty much given up on that place. People seem to add me to their "favorites" rather than sending a greeting message of any sort. It makes you wonder how on Earth you could have made anything like that kind of impression on them. Perhaps, I'm merely overly sensitive to absurd use of words among other quirks. As usual, I sent her a greeting message in response to her adding me to her list of special folk. What will it be this time? Will I at last make a friend or something more special with someone close enough to visit and get to know? Will she lose interest once her initial curiocity has been slaked about what life is like for a blind man and simply disappear into the ether? Or, am I at last in for the third ironic or otherwise stupendously funny rejection to complete the trilogy of those grim dating chuckles I've experienced spread out over the past couple years? That penny has yet to drop. I'll try to use the tranquility and inner peace I've at last found here to take whatever comes in the best way possible.

I've just finished my second meal of pizza and wings. A young man tipped me off to a new place called Michaelangelo's Pizza and I figured this weekend was as good a time as any to give it a spin. Sadly, their first impression wasn't all that favorable. The wings are very small and weren't properly sealed in their container. As a result, most of the sauce leaked off the wings and into the bag they were in. Fortunately, that bag wasn't the kind to leak so there wasn't too much mess. That could have been horrendous. Enough sauce remained on the wings for them to still be enjoyable but like I said, they're very small. The large pizza was in fact large. However, it's way too soft and flexible when hot and fresh. I've enjoyed it far more cold. I still have some of that for tomorrow's dinner or lunch. I doubt I'll feel much like pizza after I'm finished it. However, should such an occasion occur, Pizza Pizza may get the contract. I got the app for my iPHONE and might take it for a spin. It'll probably be a while though. Nice not to have to cook more than two meals over the past couple of days as well as tomorrow though.

Things are going pretty well over all in other areas. I can only tolerate crawling through the Voiceover guide in small doses. It's as well written as any other manual I've ever come across but I just haven't needed to learn in this fashion for a very long time. I'll get through it though. My trainer came over for another cession and got me hooked up with a fellow Mac user in Barry who he knew. He was able to get me past at least one major hangup I was having with the Safari browser. I now have Skype up and running on the Mac side of things. However, it doesn't want to automatically read incoming messages like it will on Windows. There's probably something obvious there which both I and this friendly guru don't know yet. Windows7 is by no means as familiar to me as XP but I'm quite comfortable in it and can always find out how to do things in pretty short order. It's proving to be a very nice and efficient system.

My friend Stephen will soon be back from his trip to India. I very much look forward to seeing him again in person and hearing more about his adventures. His blog has made fascinating reading over these past months. Doubtless, he'll need time to recover and adjust to being back in Canada again. Another young friend of mine is about to start in on university life. He's currently pondering which of the offers he's received to accept. Clearly, all that private school education is paying off in that way at least. I just hope it does so when he actually goes job hunting; when the rubber truly hits the road. It would be an absolutely criminal shame if such a gifted man finds himself as shut out of normal life as I have. I very much intend to keep in touch over the years and follow his progress. Like me, he has a very supportive family backing him up to the hilt. That in itself makes so much difference in life. Volunteering at the Dam has given me a new appreciation of that.

Earlier today, I put in my next grocery order. It's a bit more expensive than any in recent times. I'm experimenting with some new things, restocking on others which have at last run low, and also going to see if I can make this ordder last all through the rest of April. My last order has seen me through around twenty days so I think I've got a fair chance given the odd meal out and such. I very much doubt my social life will change all that radically over the next while. That still bothers me but not nearly like it used to. A year ago, a dull and solitary saturday night would have felt like nails run over a chock board sounds. Not so now. I sit here having just polished off a rather enjoyable beer. Fearing propelling myself into gloom, I would likely not even have had that. Tonight, I'm listenning to randomly picked songs courtesy of Winamp and contemplating pouring a second beer soon. There are plenty of podcasts, a bunch of emails and always the slim chance of a phone call. Twitter is up and running. I find that it has grown on me over the past while. It'll never replace sitting in the real present company of friends. However, it really does take the edge off these solitary evenings and prevents them from dragging too terribly. Good heavens! How appropriate. Wang Chung's Everybody have fun Tonight was justpicked from my nearly 700 songs on the drive. Gotta love those coincidences. That settles it. Time for that second beer.

Pleasant Times

2011-03-30T23:25:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. It's been a little while. I didn't have a training cession this week but am continuing the process of fine-tuning my new computer and speakers. I've been fiddling with some of the audio enhancements built into Windows7. It turns out that these speakers are not quite as suited to gaming as I had hoped although I still have hope that the newer games will perform better with them. I can play older games with headphones or even with the built-in speakers in the Mac itself. I have yet to dig into the Mac ap store and obtain any games for that side of things presuming there are ones I'd find interesting other than interactive fiction. When I'm a tad more confident with Voiceover and the Apple OS, we'll certainly find out about that. As things stand now, I'm growing very comfortable with Windows7. It's great to have things moving so quickly and easily. I've had to get used to a couple of key changes. For now, I'm doing email right from the gmail website rather than through a client. It's a tad more cumbersome but I can make certain that important messages get archived. As long as I keep up with things, it ought to be manageable for now. Eventually, when I'm more comfortable in the Mac OS, I'll doubtless use the Apple Mail program. I took it for a spin and very much like what I experienced. It just seems a bit silly to go into another operating system merely to do email. Once I get my music and stuff moved properly into Itunes, have Twitter and Skype running, and have figured out what word processing tool I prefer, it may not seem so strange to spend a day in a place with no Windows. Moving my music has been only a partial success so far. It looks like the easiest way to do what I want is to have two libraries in Itunes. One would have my pop songs and the other would be for my more instrumental stuff I use for writing and relaxation. I tried importing everything into one library mistakenly thinking it would be easy to sort out into playlists. Won't make that mistake again. On the Winamp side, I've had to get used to not having global hotkeys to do things like pause or move to the next or prior track. I may try coppying my configuration file from my netbook and see how that works. Otherwise, I'd have to disable a whole bunch of the hotkeys which conflict with Windows7 shortcuts. It hasn't all been smooth sailing. I'm still in awe of my scanner's speed though. It makes my older one look like a damned turtle in comparison. Going through a pile of junk mail can hardly be called a chore any longer. The laser printer is also very fast as my father and I found out today.

Things have also been going well at The Dam. A couple of the kids took an interest in me this week and I had some good initial conversations with them. There was also a meeting where I got to meet some more of the people who work and volunteer at The Dam. It's certainly an interesting way to pass an evening and I look forward to more of these going forward. Frankly, I very much doubt I'll come away from my volunteer term there with the kind of life-long friends other people have found through their efforts. Everyone's rapped up in their own busy lives. I doubt I'll run into any of them other than the couple who go to my church in any other context than while we're there for the youth or for meetings. Still, I believe I'm starting to reach some of the kids there. Even if I only make a meaningful difference for one, it's all worth it. I'm backed up by people who really know their stuff and I'll keep on absorbing as much knowledge from them as I can. At first glance, this sort of work doesn't show me to best advantage. I find it hard to know when I'd be welcome in conversation and when I'm merely getting in the way. Also, I can't engage in the games much where a lot of connections are made. Still, there are moments when curiocity and exhaustion give occasion for pause. They'll take a moment to get their breath or plunk down on a chair or couch to rest a while. That's when I can act meaningfully in their interest. I just have to keep ready and patient.

I feel renewed in a fundamental way these days. There's a lot to learn and explore. It also helps that the weather is slowly improving to suit the season we're now officially in. It won't be long before I start walking to the Dam and back. We'll finally see how much all the lessons, gps landmarks and practice over the past year pay off for me. There's also the rest of the training on my computer. It makes such a big difference to have movement in a few different directions in life. Last weekend, I was visited by Mark and Wendy. We went out to South Street Burgers for dinner and they also stopped in for a visit in the apartment for a while. I actually spent Earth Hour in conversation with people who were around my age and physically present. Finally, I have real reason to hope that it's the start of another trend which continues. Special days lose so much of their meaning and impact if they aren't shared with others. The next day, there was Soup Sunday at church followed by a visit to mom and dad's house to see Allison and my three little nieces. Dan had to work this time.

When you have this much going on in life, that painful sense of disconnection really fades away. Getting to this point has been a long slow cumulative journey. There's a growing sense that my hope for better things to come isn't just a desperate attempt to keep my head above water by denying reality. There really are possibilities. Being cheerful and sharing that good cheer has become much easier lately. Best of all, I don't have that sense that it all might evaporate on me. While I very much hope to find my special lady, I've reached a point where I can cheerfully wait and, for the most part, enjoy life as it is. It's a very good psychological place to find oneself.

A major accessibility conference just happened and I haven't even kept proper track of what went on there. In earlier years, I would have listenned to every single podcast which resulted from CSUN and other such conferences just to pass the damned endless time. Having more to engage with has also given me the perspective necessary to turn down a chance to become a governing elder at my church. I'm honoured that they recommended me but I just haven't been a member long enough to do the job justice. I need to know a lot more about how things work and how decisions effect the church before I put myself in a position to shape that process in such a substantial way. Perhaps, after another two or three years attending, I'll feel like I've gained enough perspective to do a good job of it. I'm simply too new a community member at this point. Also, my relationship with the church is too important to me to put short-term gain in front of the larger long-term picture. In all likelyhood, I'll be here for quite a long while. Over the shorter term, I hope to have more experiences with various aspects of the church. I may look into going on a short mission trip and get at least a modest look into that aspect of things. Also, if there's a need for more involvement in other areas like the classes on the Belhar confession, I'll be ready and willing to attend and do what I might.

It's just coming up to eleven PM here. Today has been a very good one. I listenned to some nifty podcasts. One of which was an episode of Ideas about what it's like to go into space. Grab that episode while you can. Dave Williams and his fellow astronaughts do a splendid job of sharing their experiences. A couple of recent episodes of Age of Pursuasion were also terrific. One looked at key women in marketting history. The other looked at people who took risks and thereby acomplished noteable success. Both episodes were fascinating as that show tends to almost always be. I spent a short while out on my balcony just taking in the soundscape as I stood at the railing. Haven't done that in quite a spell. Earlier, before I went out to lunch and drinks with dad, I had a bit of a scare with Rogers billing. I accidentally hadn't paid a good chunk of last month's bill. I hadn't realised that there were two separate acounts online for my iPHONE and for my internet plus cable TV. I had just paid the phone portion figuring I'd eventually see the rest of the balance owed pop up in that same acount. It never did and I never checked the acount selection part of the page. I know better now and can keep things more on the even keel I prefer my expenses to be. Automating payment isn't all that smart in my position since there could be times when it might very much matter when I pay such a big part of my expenses from my balance. Gotta make certain that the funds are actually there. Nice to have everything paid up again. Economics are getting somewhat tighter but are still quite manageable with proper discipline and patience. I very much enjoyed hearing Star Trek First Contact earlier this evening. That was one of the two best Star Trek films. It sounded splendid through my new speakers. So much depth of story, character development and ultimate hope for a better future packed in that one. Goodness! Winamp seems to be sending me a message. Of all songs, it picked Michael Gettel - The Storyteller Sleeps. Go figure. As I'm starting to lose focus, that strikes me as a good idea. Until next we meet, dear Reader, pleasant times.

My New Digital Home

2011-03-20T09:07:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. I've been a little busy and insomnia prone the last while. This is my first blog entry from my new digital home, an apple iMAC computer. So far, I've been sticking with the Windows7 side of things and loved it. I expected a far steeper learning curve but so far, things have proved very intuitive. I've Essentially moved everything I want handy from my 400 gb external drive. Not everything's actually installed yet but it's all on the hard drive. The amount of space I have is fantastic. Each partitian has five hundred gb. There are certainly some differences regarding Windows7 but it's not the totally different beast I thought it might be. I also very much like the latest version of Jaws. Nice to have that all up to date again. I can at last get back into playing Nethack among other things. It ought to make a good way to get familiar with my Braille display. I was quite pleasantly surprised by how portable that thing is. It comes in its own carrying case and won't present any difficulties taking it where I need it along with my netbook or iPHONE. /

My new Bowse Companion5 speakers are terrific as well. It's not precisely like full 5.1 sound but it's probably the best one can get without actual speakers on the rear wall. Very impressive with mobies. I haven't installed any audio games yet other than Super Egg Hunt but it ought to be terrific for things like Super Deakout, Q9 or Alien Outback. There's still some fine-tuning with the woofer to get to. I've been experimenting with some of the audio enhancements offered through Windows7 but nothing's really sounded better than the speakers on their own.

I went to have dinner with the family yesterday afternoon and evening. Ava and Amia were in very high spirits and little Leah was very curious wanting to look at everything. Mom and dad are doing fine. Dinner was a delicious stew with home-made biscuits plus a torte for dessert. Earlier in the day, dad helped me get all my various computer dvds and stuff labelled and organised. There isn't nearly as much bloatware as I expected there might be.

Pretty son now, it'll be off to church again. Insomnia has an odd way of stretching time out on me. Yesterday feeels like ages ago. Adding to that impression, there's the amount of progress I've made getting things set on this new computer. Didn't think I'd be nearly so far along after a couple of days. It looks like I'll be using my training time mostly on the Mac side of things. This Windows stuff is a sinch but I'll be thankful for the pair of eyes around as I start exploring how Apple does things. That's an entirely new kettle of fish. Tomorrow, I'll be getting my groceries and then going off to Future Shop to get a Windows keyboard and USB hub among other things. I'm using all my USB ports and could use more to have my Braille display and things all hooked in directly. Tuesday, there's the Dam in the afternoon. After that, things are pretty clear for my training cessions. It should all make for a nicely busy week.

Interesting Times

2011-03-08T13:18:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone. It's been an interesting while since I've written an entry. I've met my newest niece Leah. She's a very cute and healthy baby. I forgot just how incredibly small they can be. We celebrated mom's birthday in fine style over a weekend with both friends and family. Ava and Amia were in their usual high spirits as well. I've eaten a lot of interesting and good food lately. We went to Lucy's Seafood place where I had my first experience with lobster in the shell as well as crab legs. I can understand lobster as there's enough meat to justify the effort of extraction. It tasted quite good in garlic butter. However, I fail to comprehend why crab legs are so expensive. They're thin spiny things which are difficult to crack open. Once you do this, the return is a sliver of meat no bigger than a thin french fry. I've also been to Jack Aster's with a family from church. I hadn't been there in at least a decade. Their burgers are very good indeed. Eating out has certainly helpped to stretch my groceries over the past while. I'm still tipically getting orders in the $200 range which last twenty or more days.

Normally, I would have gone to Games night last sunday. However, I had the opportunity to meet a family who goes to our church. They think of themselves as radical christians and definitely live up to that description. Had I come across them earlier in life, they very well might have scared me away from belief in God for keeps. They have some very strong oppinions about people which I simply can't agree to. I think they're going to be very interesting and challenging friends. We'll have to agree to disagree about quite a bit I fear. Despite disagreeing with them and having my overly litteral scriptural interpretation alert set jangling like no tomorrow, I thoroughly enjoyed my afternoon and meal with them. As Captain Robert April says in Diane Carey's Final Frontier, "It's exploration of a worthy kind." I feel sharpenned in my own faith and hope they feel the same having met me. It'll be fascinating to see how they get on in church over the years to come. It certainly doesn't seem like it would be the best fit for them.

This desktop PC continues to be more scarcely populated with software and data as I continue to ready it to be given to a new owner. In contrast, my netbook is very full while it serves as the home base for my iPHONE. That little device is slowly starting to feel more natural to use. I don't find myself having to consciously think about quite as much while I operate it. There's still a slight hesitancy as I answer calls and such but that's finally seeming to fade a bit. I just keep expecting buttons and there aren't any.

Today, I've learned what true musical torture is. Who would have thought that the Chipmunks would do a version of Achy Breaky Heart? It was the most repulsive combination I hope ever to hear. Two annoyances blending together to make something truly dastardly. I wanted to tune it out but the shere timpanic monstrocity held me transfixed in my anguish. Talk about a vicious earworm. I'm left longing for the damned smurfs theme or something equally vapit but pernitiously catching to get those chipmunks out of my poor head.

Tomorrow, I'll be doing lunch with dad at Symposium Caffe after hearing the Discovery landing for the last time. I've been thinking lately of how many times I've heard that ship launch and land over the years. Space activity has captivated me for as long as I can remember. It's such a clear reminder that we have so very much to learn about the place God made for us. I don't want to go there myself but can't wait to hear what people get up to out there.

I learned on sunday that I had been recommended by someone to fill a position of a governing elder in the church. I never would have expected that. I've only been going to the Meadowvale CRC for nearly a couple of years. I guess I presumed that people would have had to attend longer than that. From what I've heard so far, it sounds like something I might do well at. It's a three-year commitment but it's not like I have a ton else going on. I'll put my name in the hat and see what happens. God so far seems equivical on whether I do so or not so I ccan't exactly say I feel called to serve any more than I'd feel compelled to jump at any other opportunity to make a difference which presented itself. Perhaps, that's all the calling God deems necessary. I guess we'll see what happens there.

Known To The Law

2011-02-22T21:00:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. It's been a pretty interesting last little while. Today, I've already been out to the police station to get myself fingerprinted. This is so they can have my prints on file in case anything should happen and so they can complete my police check that everyone who volunteers with "vulnerable" people needs to get. It didn't take long at all. Nor was it a problem finding where we needed to be. I guess dad tends to think things wil be more difficult and time-consuming than they are sometimes. The process was different than I expected. I thought I'd be feeling some sort of soft velvet-like pad rather than the hard serfice where my prints presumeably ended up alright. Pretty soon, I guess even ink will be a thing of the past and everything will be digital. I can't say I heard anything very interesting while in the police station. Not really certain what I expected there but it just sounded like any other work environment I've passed through over the years. Mom and I stopped for brunch at Kora's. I hadn't eaten there in quite some time and enjoyed that thoroughly. Mom's digging into the first of the computer adventure games I've gotten her for her upcoming birthday. They're older games repackaged for WindowsXP and above. What got me started on that tack was one called The Last Express. It's a sort of adventure mystery simulation all rapped up into one and takes place on the Orient Express just before the first world war starts. She's plunging right in and seems to enjoy it so far. These more complex adventures should last her longer than the casual games she's speeding through.

Last weekend was terrific as I had visitors both friday and saturday evening. Nan and Doug plus their four sons came over for a Swiss Chalet dinner which went quite well. It was good to have the apartment so full of people for once. We had a great conversation. On saturday, I saw Mark and Wendy for dinner. I now have my brother's family's old kitchen table as my dining table capable of seeting four should the occasion demand it. It fits quite well against the wall with three of the chairs neatly tucked away. The other is in my bedroom and may occasionally come in handy in there should I have overnight company. I now have all the major permanent pieces of furnature I'll need. There are just a couple of slingback chairs for my balcony that I hope to acquire this year. There's also the tredmill which I'll eventually get from mom and dad's house as well as all my new computer stuff. Once that's all in and I've had a chance to grow accustomed to it all, this place will at last start to have that sense of stable sameness that a home ought to. I guess that process has begun already in a gradual sort of non-intrusive way. Over the past while, that sense of this being the right place for me has grown stronger. Now that I've lived here for a full year, things don't seem quite so tenuous. It was so good having friends over. I know there'll still be times when I feel isolated, disconnected and all that; Weekends where nothing at all goes on and weeks where the days start to blend together into one agonisingly long stretch of sameness. Just now though, I'm feeling remarkably whole. My life is certainly a different one than most peoples' but I no longer have such a profound sense of missing out on everything. Finally having gotten a good sleep last night without recourse to medication also helps. Things seem in their proper shape. I'll be folunteering at The Dam this afternoon in a couple of hours. It's slowly starting to become a normal part of the week. I'm still probably too driven to acomplish stuff with the kids rather than just hang out there as they seem to want me to do. It's getting better though. I'm starting to get used to doing that. I guess it'll grow and change in time as people there get to know me better slowly.

It's early in the evening now. I didn't bother at all with dinner. Just wasn't hungry after that wonderful brunch. Time at The Dam passed slowly today. I'm not quite as used to just hanging around there as I thought. Had a nice chat with some people in the states who have one of these conference line things. Skype makes it affordable for me to participate and it certainly helps the evening move along. They were quite an interesting group of people. I just get tired of wearing a headset after a while.. I'm actually pretty tired period. I'll definitely have some medication tonight to make certain I get a second good sleep in a row. Need to ditch this round of insomnia for a long while. At least now, it's biting off part of an empty evening rather than a day. It's a whole lot easier to live with that.

Obtaining an iPHONE and Other Happenings

2011-02-05T23:15:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone. It's a quiet saturday evening and a good time for another blog entry. Things are going pretty well. I'm now the happy owner of an iPHONE 4. Already, I think it'll prove to be the best investment I make in the next good long while. I now have a fully accessible smartphone. I'm still a little slow at answerring calls and finding out the quick tricks of navigating around the screens. However, I've managed to buy a bunch of nifty aps. One of them, Digit-eyes, is even better than my refurbished IDmate2 in terms of telling me what stuff is. However, it does so at a slower speed. That's fine by me. I've got the time to give in exchange for less mystery and surprises where groceries are concerned. I've bought some games and obtained a bunch of free aps. That's an area where I'll have to be somewhat more financially conscious. They're quite cheep individually but it's *so* easy to impulse shop. So far though, I've only found two that I felt compelled to delete. Sadly, nethack is inaccessible on the iPHONE. So is Rogue. Too bad. Those would have been fun. This afternoon, I managed to load my classic Infocom games into Frotz for the iPHONE. I like the idea of having those text adventures available again in a completely accessible form. My iPHONE is already proving quite the useful gadget. There's still a whole lot to learn about it. I've accidentally declined a few calls I actually meant to answer. That should happen less often now as I master the thing. Sorry to anybody I quite accidentally hung up on over the past few days.

Getting my new iPHONE on tuesday morning and then going to the Dam in the afternoon made for a nicely busy if not overly productive day. My second afternoon at the Dam felt very unsatisfying. The place is really too noisy for audio games. Only one kid showed any interest at all and I'm frankly amazed he did as well as he did given the background ambience. Played some audio dramas as well but nothing seemed to intrigue them. I think part of the problem is that sitting there with my stuff out on my lap makes me look too disengaged, like I'm off in my own world doing my own thing and would prefer not to be interrupted. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I have most of any given week plus weekends to do my own thing. There has to be some way of getting more engaged with them. The only thing I can think to try next week is to stay on my feet and hang around them hoping for some thread of conversation I can naturally join in on. They all just seem to want to blow off steam rather than relate but doubtless, a lot of visual body language comes into play for them. I can't fall into the trap of disenchantment and presume there's just no hope and no insight to be found. I'm far from resigned to exclusion over the next couple of years.

Today has been a fairly quiet but interesting one. Shirley came over to keep up to date with email and such. It makes a big difference just having someone come around more often. I'm just glad I can actually help someone out in a meaningful way. We're getting to hear more about each other's lives and that adds an important element for me. She's taken that step from being just another nice person willing to help where possible to actually being a friend. It's damned nice to know that's actually possible here. On these last couple of visits, I must confess to a little inattentiveness as I struggled to come to grips with my iPHONE. I think it did both our spirits good for her to see me struggle a little with new technology and hear my self-directed mutterings. Those come pretty naturally when your gadgets have been talking to you all your life. Hopefully, I'll get to know more people better over this spring and summer here.

We're moving ahead with obtaining my new computer equipment. Frontier Computing came through in good style with a price quote I'm happy to go with. It'll be different having an iMAC. I'm looking forward to the challenges ahead technology-wise. There'll be a whole lot to learn and look into on these all too plentiful more quiet days. Once I'm comfortable with the braille display, I believe I'll consider starting a podcast of some sort. I've simply got to keep more busy doing something which connects me more with other people. There's also the ever-present drive I've always had to share my blessings with others in whatever way I can. If I can't find more to do in the offline "real" world, then perhaps, I should play to my strengths and put something else out into the online one. It's not really what I hoped for from life, but it's what I have to work with. The world where people meet up in places for good conversation and actually value a man of thought seems to be a thing of the past. Any way you slice it, I'm in for a lot of long solitary days. I guess I've come to a point where I'm enough at peace with that prospect to start looking at how I can contribute more from that place rather than trying to force it to go away. There doesn't seem to be any real way to recoup a decade of effort rendered lost by a failed marriage and a near miss. Now that I've learned all sorts of painful lessons about relationships, it seems the universe is out to make certain that hard-won wisdom does me no good at all. Still, there's at least a spark of hope for that in me yet. Also, I still think there's a lot of reason to hope for finding more friends who are close in geographical terms as well as in friendship. It'll just take lots and lots of time and patience.

The dishes are all done and everythings' squared away now. I've got winamp playing some nice relaxing instrumental music as I crank out this blog. Aura is holding up its end of the bargain as well presenting me with forest night sounds plus a bonfire ambience. I've enjoyed a nice Black Oak beer with my dinner. As usual, one has proved more than sufficient for a night like this. I have no desire to get anywhere near drunk alone. Better to go put some of this relaxation music onto my iPHONE. I certainly have space for it and may find it nice to have while on the move. I'll also stick on Raymond Feist's Rift War Sauga. Roy Avers did such a brilliant job recording those stories. Listenning to them has become the sonic equivalent of comfort food for me that not much else I've heard over the years really has. Tomorrow is a thankfully busy day. Church has games night plus a class on the Belhar Confession so I could be there most of the day with people who actually take a bit of an interest in me. That'll be nice.

Off To A Good Start

2011-01-27T21:41:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. My first afternoon volunteering at:
www.thedam.org
has gone reasonably well. There's a lot less structure than I expected. The kids come and things just kind of flow along at least on drop-in days. It'll probably take a while for me to really become engaged with them. One youngster seems pretty curious about what life being blind is like. That'll probably be what draws them over at least initially. I went in thinking that I should forego bringing my netbook and gaming gear. However, audio games may very well be an important bridge for them between their world and mine so I'll bring the full pack from now on. I've had to discard or even reverse a lot of preconceptions I went in with but I think I'm going to have a better chance with that unexpected looseness to things than I might have otherwise. The kids will slowly get to know me as me without much in the way of authority or taught lessons between us. I very much look forward to spending more time there. Shirley, the lady who I've walked around the lake with, has offered to drive me there since she's normally around tuesday afternoons. It'll be a good opportunity to keep in more regular touch with her. Getting back is a bit less certain since I won't know how long the debriefing lasts or whatever else comes up. However, I'm close enough that people there can get me back until it gets warm and safe enough for me to walk back and forth myself. Things tend to work out in the end.

Yesterday, mom took me to get my hair cut. I don't believe a hairdresser exists close enough for me to easily get to on my own. The cut feels nice and reaction has been positive so far. One gains confidence in any esthetic change very slowly when one has no frame of reference. Part of you always waits for the "What's with the hair?" shoe to drop. As long as the stuff is short and out of my ears, I'm a pretty happy camper. Later on, I went for a nice rost dinner with mom and dad. They're doing fine and I was able to help mom with her laptop. It's running as it ought to and she was able to spend the free game credit that was part of her christmas present. Think she chose a pretty good game. She certainly seems good at them now judging by the speed she plays through them.

I've also managed to write an article for my church newslettre. I may have to tweak it a little but I'm feeling pretty good about what I've sent in. Hopefully, Nan will have time to let me know if it needs changing. Pastor Sam came to see me this morning. It was good to catch up with him again. It's been a while. He's starting to get over a cold or something which sapped his voice of much of its normal force. It's sounding much better than it did when he called me last saturday. He was able to laugh without it seeming to hurt him. We had a good talk and it looks like the Faith Alive folks will be able to send a pdf document of the study material for the evening classes on the Belhar Confession my church is having. We had some excellent discussion last time and I keenly look forward to more.

My brother and his family are moving this week. My parents will be helping them take care of Ava and Amia as well as likely helping move stuff. It'll be a bit too hectic a scene for me to do much good for anybody there. I'll be getting their kitchen table to serve as my dining table. They don't need it in the new place and it saves me from having to purchase a dining set. Mark and Wendy can at last have their table and chairs back. As always, I'm very thankful for friends like them as well as my family.

I'm happy to see that my good friend Stephen Murgaski is having some really excellent breakthroughs in India. He's been shown around the campus and has begun to make friends over there. That should help make his trip more satisfying and give him some of the perspective he'll need to do a good job putting together a five-day crash course in computers. I eagerly await more news as I've no doubt the rest of his followers do. Here's hoping he gets better internet access soon. Go Steve!

Looks like there'll be an interesting chat this weekend about new accessibility products announced at a currently running conference. I may try to catch that online presuming nothing more local comes up. I always enjoy learning about new gadgets. I actually have some podcasts I haven't listenned to yet as well. Highlights of this week's listenning included President Obama's state of the union address. He's easily the best public speaker to come out of the politics of both our countries in the past twenty-plus years. He puts so much heart into it. Also, CBC Radio1 has podcasts up of a nifty show called Age of Persuasion all about how advertising works. I've enjoyed three episodes posted up there so far and eagerly await more. There'll be a new Spark episode as well as at least one From Our Own Corespondents. All very good stuff indeed. I have a couple of DNTO episodes to catch up on and another arriving this weekend. Lots of listenning to pass time if nothing else offers.

The world is in its proper shape. All my dishes are done and thanks to winter's icy winds, the tap water is magnificently cold. Haven't even thought to check on my ice cube stash in at least a week. haven't heard back from my vendor of choice, Frontier Computing, about my new equipment. I'm expecting them to present a quote of some sort soon and will follow up with them next week if I haven't heard anything by then. Nice not to be in a rush or deadline situation this time around. I can give people the time to do their jobs right.

That's pretty much all she wrote as they say other than the recent developments with Mysteries of the Ancients. Tom Ward continues to make progress with that game and thinks he has another beta release nearly ready. He started a very interesting discussion about whether to quickly slap some relatively easy levels together and get the game out sooner or take time to do things more his way producing more difficult and properly balanced levels. Sad to say, there were some impatient folks out there who wanted the damned game. Hard to really blame them given the extremely long wait we've all endured. However, when a master developer is nearing the end of the time he'll spend on a project, I'd just as soon give him the time to do it right. We then end up with a more satisfied developer who will move onto other games as well as a far better game all the more worthy of the long wait. It just seems common sense to me as a creative person. I'd want folks to give me the time to do things right. He hasn't really said anything definite yet but I believe those of us in the "wait and improve" camp have won the day. Patience is a virtue and the lack of it has already cost the community dearly in the past. Lots of interesting stuff happening in life just now. It feels absolutely marvelous.

Saturday Thoughts

2011-01-22T22:49:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone. It's early saturday evening. Jarte decided to crash on me in a very rare instance of recalcitrance. I had been lax in saving my work so this is my second attempt at a blog entry today. Follow me down yet another stream of consciousness. It's been a pleasant day. I've spent so many similar saturdays utterly frustrated at how excluded I've been from life. All that anger and frustration seems to have disappeared as if God just figured he'd zap it all away. I know I've written a little about this before but I'm still completely stupified by the phenominon. Too bad the cellulite didn't vabourise along with it. I'm not euphoric or anything. There's still a longing for more inclusion, more time talking with friends rather than typing to distant ones, and to be in love again. However, there's a kind of positivity which sort of balances that off now. Even during days spent completely alone, a kind of quiet enjoyment or joviality prevails for the most part. Insomnia and writer's block are still annoying me but that no longer prevents me from enjoying other things while I wait for them to leave off. I just know somehow that it'll all work out in the end and that things will get etter/more interesting.

I'm certainly in for some interesting changes over the next while. I've been approved for ADP upgrades to my access technology and that process is now underway. After ongoing discussions with friends and other blind folks, I've set my sights on getting an iMAC which has Windows7 on it. That way, I can best take advantage of both operating systems and can hopefully better dig myself out of trouble if stuff goes wrong given the Mac OS's built-in accessibility. I also hope to get a short and portable braille display. Negociations have begun with my preferred vendor and we'll see what they can do for me. That'll open up a lot of new possibilities when it comes to presenting my writing, doing more podcasts, perhaps even voice acting. At the very least, I'll hopefully be in a better position to help people in both the PC and Mac community.

An even larger change starts this tuesday. It'll be my first afternoon volunteering at The Dam. I've been eagerly anticipating this welcome addition to my weeks for quite some time now. My father will drive me over for the first week. The weather has been very cold and snowy lately and walking there would be somewhat dangerous. I have a few people I can turn to for rides so the Winter should be manageable enough in terms of getting there. I'll walk there and back myself in the spring, summer and autumn. Unlike when I published my computer guide, I don't have the jitters. I've done all I can to prepare and must simply try to be the best man I can be for the young kids and for those I'll be volunteering with. That's really all there is to it. I'll learn more once I'm there.

That attitude very much puts me in mind of Stephen Murgaski. He's made it to that school for the blind in India after some initial frustrations. I had to let slip the hounds of Google to find his blog since he didn't really tell me he started the thing. Unfortunately, he doesn't yet have the wireless internet access he expected and must post updates when he can plug into an ethernet cable from time to time. Hope they get those technical rinkles ironed out soon. They've certainly set him a challenging task. I'm not at all certain I could pull it off but if anybody can, he'll find a way as long as he can get the information needed. You can read more on this without needing to make use of Google by going to:
http://steveinindia.wordpress.com/

I can't help wondering if anything we do as young blind people will really make a bit of difference in our lives other than to our character. It seems like nothing we acomplish is ever enough to really make a difference to prospective life partners or employers. Society puts us in a very strange box. Not many people my age have met as many famous people, been on television and radio, had articles written about them online. We are given unique access to resources like funding for expensive access technology to enhance our personal lives. And yet, it's like we're punching at a brick wall for all the effect this has on the 80 percent unemployment rate the blind community suffers. It's like we're damaged puzzle pieces that simply can't quite fit anywhere unless something extraordinary happens to make a spot for us among the rest. I don't feel damaged. There are plenty of able-bodied folk who strike me as having far more damage to their integrity, honesty and other things. Yet, it too often seems that they'll get even second and third chances at at least a moderately good living while I'm barred from even earning a basic one. All due to that one sense I lack and they have. Once in a while, like when there's a blackout, people will actually need our particular skills and we'll be sought out. Once every so often, we'll notice that we haven't heard a curious child who has snuck away from parents. We may be in the right place at the right time to notice some strange sound or the absence of a sound that nobody else present notices. These things might just save lives once in a while. More often, we're in the right place at the right time when someone needs a good listenner or we come out with some thought that people think is profound. I've never thought myself particularly extraordinarily wise. I've just had more time to actually think about things than most people. That's what happens when you get largely sidelined by so-called normal life. Every great once in a while, some experience will befall us which enriches us or gives us a rare opportunity to really make a positive difference somewhere. I stil hold out some hope that we'll somehow cross the threshhold where people start inviting us into life's more serious commitments of love and secure jobs. That we'll somehow stumble onto a hidden experiencial equivalent of a spring which catapults us into that realm. Whether Stephen succeeds in India or not, he'll come back a somewhat changed man. I think of incredible human capital in someone like Stephen. To just march off like that speaks such volumes about him. Will even that be enough to make a prospective imployer or special lady change their question from a worried "what if?" to an eager "What can?" Sadly, I doubt it. It's definitely going to be a formative experience for him either way. Such things come upon us so infrequently that the effects can act as a lense for our thinking and worldview for some time after. My relationship with Janene was one such. It has definitely cost me a degree of selflessness, trust, and optimism. I won't be nearly as willing to just go off and start life fresh with someone unless I'm very convinced that they're really in it for the long haul. That's a pretty substantial change in character for me. No doubt my time at The Dam will prove a more positive such formative experience. I'll meet a lot of people with very good intentions and a lot of precious young minds. It is very unlikely, given past experience, to change my future prospects much at all. Going in with such expectations would be foolish and could damage the good I hope to do. I'm far more interested in learning about how today's kids and teens think about things. Especially moral issues. I can take those observations and eventually use them in building Enchantment's Twilight. I'll feel fantastic if I actually manage to help one or more young people avoid some nasty pitfalls. Everything else is just icing on the cake. I've come to believe that the only real way forward is to do as much good as selflessly as one can and let the chips fall where they may. I've seen so much good in people like Ron go to waste. There are tremendous transformations in character like what Earle has gone through. I've spent so many empty hours raging at how there never seems to be a positive echo for us; how the only satisfaction we gain is internal. Now, inexplicably, it just doesn't matter that this particular lot falls to me. Rage has done me very little good and I guess a bit of me has finally simply realised that. Our measures of success must simply differ from so-called normal able-bodied people. I didn't set out to be special and would trade all the extra time in the world away for a more ordinary life. However, society seems to need us where we are, ready to fill in the atrocious gaps left in the hectic lives of everyone else. I guess I've finally made a real kind of peace with that which wil see me through until either the next extraordinary experience or more drastic permanent change comes along.

Inner peace is one thing. Why then am I so very cheerful? It's as if I knew I was going to win a lottery or something. I guess I've just know that I'm at last on the cusp of an ongoing stable opportunity to actually do some good for people. Good has its own reward which I've experienced numerous times now. At the moment, it's a kind of glimmer of good feeling that tells me I'm on the right path. At times, I've experienced waves of sublime clarity. Sometimes, I have that sense when some profound idea initially presents itself to me. Usually, it's when I've done something which I find out has unexpectedly helped someone. Personal Power has given me many such moments over the years. So has Audyssey. There were times when I worked on those things that I felt absolutely fulfilled and content. A euphoric sense of rightness would sweep over me as if God was saying so that my very guts could hear: "Well done Michael. You're in the right place at the right time doing precisely what you were meant to." My world just suddenly seems to make fundamental sense regardless of all the disapointments and imperfections. I haven't tried any recreational drugs and have no desire ever to do so. However, I'd be willing to bet that none would produce a sensation which even came close to that kind of tranquil sublime euphoric contentment.

I've begun reading a book called Outside The Wire. It's about the experiences of Canadians over in Afghanistan. Any secondary school kid who smurks at Rememberance Day ought to be forced to read the book at gunpoint. It really brings home what kind of courage it takes to try and contend with political greed, stupidy, lust for power, and corruption. Even more than the CBC audio drama Afganada, this book gives you a substantial idea of the human cost of what we're trying to do over there. Reading the emails and letres of those who have died is particularly heartbreaking. How can so much shere good be so misconstrued that some folks there would try to kill these excellent people? It takes one's breath away.

Well folks, I believe I ought to sign off here and head to bed. I have a somewhat busier day tomorrow than I've just had. I welcome that. I went to bed early friday night for lack of anything at all to do. I feel far better about today even if I did lose a good chunk of blog posting due to not saving often enough. Where does that sense of digital immortality come from anyhow? Now there's a profound question to dream about.

Good Friends and Life Journeys

2011-01-09T22:13:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone. It's early afternoon. The New Year's party went terrifically. The only bit of kit I didn't have on hand was a corkscrew. Sadly, three guests couldn't make it. Mark and Wendy were sick and Ron had transportation issues. Two unexpected but very welcome guests were Adam and his girlfriend Jeanette. She was the second Jeanette I've come across in the space of a couple of weeks. She makes a very interesting match for Adam and was a much appreciated addition to the party. We kept things going until around three AM, much later than I had expected. No damage was done and cleaning up wasn't horrendous in the slightest. Admittedly, I kept coming across empty beer bottles for the next couple of days. Nobody got completely sloshed or anything so I guess I just didn't perceive how much beer was gone through. Nice to have people over who can really appreciate one's favorite beverage. It was odd though. I'd finish breakfast and hear a faint rattle on the dining table. I would have thought it inconceivable that one could have remained there undetected when both Stephen and I ate breakfast on it. I remembered checking the table thoroughly at one point and being completely satisfied that nothing was there I hadn't felt. And yet, a slight bump produced the unmistakeable rumble of a disturbed empty bottle rolling slowly across the wooden surfice. Having that many friends be there at the same time did wonders for my sense of connectedness. Especially when three more would have if they could have. When you go months without more than one occasional guest at a time, the world just seems empty. It felt like nothing was ever going to change that. Now that a larger gathering has actually happened, it no longer feels like I need not have bought that couch and chairs. They don't mock me with their continued emptiness any longer. I have that long-sought sense that they'll get used over time; that this place will be filled with more than just music, sound and writer's block ridden stark raving mad me. There'll be other living voices here from time to time who will feel welcomed.

That sense of connectedness was further strengthenned yesterday. I attended a going away party for my good friend Stephen Murgaski who will be leaving for India in around a week. He's going to volunteer at a school for the blind there for three months. It's so very like Steve to get into a wild adventure like that. He's approaching it in his usual madcap manner. He doesn't know exactly what they'll be asking him to help with. He's so versatile though that it won't matter a damn. They'll find plenty for him to do I'm certain. At his party were a number of friends from my days in Hollywood Public School. Everyone has changed in at least one profound way it seems. Earle certainly has. It's good to be back in touch with him again. Running into Meko was also a treet. Both of them were partners at one time and each has moved onto another relationship now. Life certainly can throw us some interesting curves over the years. Living out here in Mississauga, nearly getting married a second time and going into a hell of a tailspin when that fell through on me, I had lost touch with them all. Catching up with all of them was a real treet which has somewhat changed my perspective on life. With so much dead time, it can often feel like you've reached a sort of inescapable dead end. There doesn't seem to be any room left for the utterly extraordinary to come along and set you in motion. That's where people like Stephen come into the picture. You think that he's finally truly trapped in mundanity with the rest of us having no job and paying off university debt from his successful second attempt to gain a degree. "I'm going to India for three months to volunteer at a school for the blind there." he says out of the blue. Half your brain is just blown away as you try to absorb this. You're left absolutely gobsmacked for a bit. You made the mistake of thinking that you had learned better than to be so utterly surprised by what he gets up to again only to discover that this is a futile effort on your part. At the same time, part of your brain is like Gandalf catching Mary and Pippin up to their usual mischief in Fellowship of the Ring. I could almost hear his deep rich voice saying: "Off to India are you Stephen? I might have known.", as he hauls him up off the floor by the scruff of the neck like a troublesome little hobit. It's going to be an amazing and formative adventure for him. He's been fascinated by India for ages. I didn't really think any of our group would end up travelling that far afield. He'll realise a life-long dream and I can't wait to hear the stories and insites he'll come back with. Glad he was able to get to my New Year's gathering first. Best of luck Steve. God go with you.

It seems like we're all having different kinds of adventure. Earle finds himself a father and that has totally changed him from the man prone to drunken wildness I once knew. I think back to a particular New Year's eve more than a decade and a half ago which I attended in his apartment. You may read about that eventful night when I get around to publishing my autobiographical book in another decade and a chunk. When life experience comes at you in dribs and drabs, these things do take time. Like my divorce did for me, being a father has aged him in a fundamental way that possibly no other experience open to us could have. As for my own adventure, it's taking a bit longer to get going. I've been expecting some forms to sign for a while now and they ought to be coming next sunday or sooner. After my police check and whatever else I need to go through first, I'll be volunteering at The Dam once a week seeing how I can be a good friend and possibly a mentor to young people deemed to be at risk. Like Steve, I don't have an exact sense of what I'll end up doing there. However, they're eager to have me and that in itself is a damned nice change. Most organisations worry about what I might damage rather than ponder what I might do for them. It'll be so damned good to have somewhere to go to which is close enough for me to do so on my own terms. My big dream is more about living in a community and, dare I hope, a marriage where I feel wanted and useful most of the time. Stephen has enough physical courage, daring and mobility skill to think nothing of wanderring off somewhere or, flying off to India. My skills and hopes take a different direction. Volunteering at the Dam for at least a couple of years seems like a long-overdue first step toward the more tranquil sort of life filled with good stable deep relationships where I feel that I would be most able to have a positive impact over the longer term.

This week, I have my assessment at ADP for new equipment. That ought to be interesting. I'm also finally making some small headway on Enchantment's Twilight. Of all things, I'm having a breakthrough with the combat system. A story arc to pin all these game mechanics into still eludes me. However, that isn't getting me as down as it was. I've found my patience and good cheer again over the last month or so. It's like somebody threw some sort of switch and all the anxt and frustration at my lack of social progress here just melted away. It doesn't feel like one of those temporary reprieves from dull lethargy either. I think this new positive aspect is here to stay and it's very welcome indeed. Insomnia isn't quite gone yet. I finally caved in and took my usual Graval knockofs last night and got a pretty decent sleep but I hate that groggy drag that persists for a while after you get up. Once that lifts though, you feel like a million bucks. I'm expecting some mail from my apartment inshurance company this week. It must be close to the time when that gets renewed. I guess I'll be signing another lease with Peel Housing before long also. Presuming I remain single, I'll hang onto this place for keeps if I can. This spring and summer will be interesting now that I know where I'm going around here and don't need mobility lessons each week. It looks like the Dam is open through the summer so I'll be walking to and from the mall at least once per week. At long last, it seems like my social life is also starting to slowly pick up and recombobulate. I'll probably be seing a couple from church this sunday for a social visit rather than a religious one. I have yet to meet anybody here around my age who would get together and watch a mutually liked show on Discovery Channel or go out to some event or other with me. My expectations along those lines were clearly much too high when I moved in here. Everyone certainly knows snippets of me and plenty of people say hello when they pass me. Doubtless, I'm one of the most widely recognised people in the building. It just seems to stop at those brief chance conversations. However, Perhaps, over time, more folks like Jeanette from Lindsay will pop up. She wants to bring her son over to meet me at some point. That's four hours of driving for them. They'll come all that way and nobody around here will even come up or down the elevator shaft for a visit. And folks wonder why there's so much polution in the world. That's what happens when people geographically close to each other see no reason to get to know their neighbours. GRRRRRR!!!!

Looks like I'm off to a dinner with family friends. They'll be getting into the football so I'd best go and grab my netbook to bring along. There'll be some good conversation for certain but inevitably, there are moments where all of that stops as whatever happens on TV happens. I'll post this when I get back after looking it over.

New Year's Reflections

2010-12-31T16:01:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. It's now early afternoon on New Year's Eve. The calm before tonight's gathering here at my apartment. In a way, I've keenly looked forward to such a gathering since I first went to a New Year's party held by a friend of mine from grade school. It was at that somewhat wild party where I met Ron. Hard to believe it's been close to fifteen years. Now, I'll be starting off this new decade hosting a gathering of my own. There'll be plenty to eat and drink. I believe I've got the whole transportation thing covered. This morning, I got a couple of parking passes for two cars which will be staying until after midnight. It would royally suck for someone to get ticketed. Another thing I made certain to do was inform Peal Housing about the guest who will be staying overnight. I still resent having to do that. I ought to be able to have people stay over without risk of violating my lease if I don't tell them or it's a last minute thing. It just seems like such a slap in the face when I've been as responsible and conscientious as I have over the years. I'm certainly not one to abuse my place by renting it to someone or anything like that.

This past year has certainly seen a lot of changes. It didn't take too long at all to get into the rhythm of living on my own when it comes to chores. I seem to have mastered as much cooking as I've ever know how to do. The place has remained intact and quite clean with the exception of when the old vacuum stopped working on me. The motor still worked and nobody who occasionally visited briefly ever said anything about stuff on the floor so how the hell was I supposed to know? At times, I've been overwhelmed by how hard it's been to find new friends interested in doing things together. Without a context like church, it's been a nearly completely futile exercise. I'm in a building chalk full of people living mere metres away and don't really know any of them well enough to have invited them to this New Year's gathering. Learning to get anywhere new on my own takes disproportionate effort on my part so it seems all the more ridiculous when your neighbours don't even come and introduce themselves. I can now see that it'll take years of small casual encounters in passing to chip away at the fortress mentality that goes along with apartment living. Shirley and I have gone for numerous enjoyable walks but that's all we've really done together. I met a whole bunch of people while walking around the lake and to the mall this Summer but none of them have ever really followed up on initially good meetings. I feel like I could offer a ton if I could somehow just break down the social barriers.

And yet, a few days ago, Jeanette, a lady who found me on an online dating site I had nearly given up on completely, came to actually visit me. Being two hours distant, I don't expect it'll ever go beyond hopefully long and stable friendship. However, having her come and actually want to be friends with me has lifted that utter sense of social dead end I've been living with and striving against for months. It's good to have some proof that virtues like honesty, optimism and depth of thinking actually still count for something in this world. I have some of my hope restored that there are some good people out there who still have time for friendship and perhaps even something more. Here's hoping one such lady lives a lot closer. While I've regained my ability to enjoy the single life I now lead, there'll just always be something missing without a special lady to share it with. Thanks in no small part to the friends I'll be seeing tonight, I've made what peace I can with the reality that it'll likely be a very long time before that need is met. Solitude won't be quite such a paralysing thing this year now that I've found my stride. Having some big changes to look forward to in the new year certainly helps. New technology, a new volunteering adventure, and a new niece not too many months from now. Mainly though, it's been more of an internal change; a coming to terms with how things are. God knows I need more life experience and interaction with people. Now that I've done damned near everything humanly possible to effect that change myself, I can more patiently wait for things to happen naturally.

Christmas was an absolute blast this year. We ended up celebrating at mom and dad's house. Ava and Amia were in fairly good spirits, at least until we sat down to dinner. They wanted to play with all their new stuff and leave eating delicious food to us silly idiots who knew no better than to waste time in such a foolish confined fashion. I got a splendid digital recording of us opening our presents. Definitely a keeper.

I've spent a good deal of time looking back at the past year over the last few days. If I had to sum up in a word what it's all been about, that word would be calibration. I had to come to terms with my new circumstances. Although much of my hope for making strong community connections didn't pan out, I've at least become a known figure around here. That's a start anyway. Volunteering at The Dam will hopefully also help in that regard. Even if it doesn't, I'll at least be out of the apartment and doing something with people once a week other than church. I'm also starting to regain a sense of the value of online contact. While I'll always seek out a more offline life and circle of friends, some of that sense of empty hollow futility has been removed by some key events and people. Not the least of which was being able to hear the Chilean miners being rescued live thanks to Twitter and an old friend from my days at Meadowvale secondary school. I even have room in my heart to hope that Facebook will prove that it's worth sticking with by bringing someone from my past or perhaps someone entirely new into my life here. I start this new year with a hope which is less fragile being based more on experience and less on wishful thinking.

Looking forward at the start of this new decade, I wonder what the next ten years will bring. Perhaps, someone will actually come along who's willing to go all the way and take a real chance with me. I'd like to think that this is still a possibility. At the same time, I feel better able to live and enjoy life even if this doesn't come to pass. Eventually, I'll accumulate more friends around here who will attend future gatherings like the one I'm having tonight. Joseph, the man who takes me to and from church most weeks, will be a new addition to my happy group of mainly guys. It didn't used to be so unbalanced. Poor Wendy will be the only woman, married or single, present with us. Other ladies all seem to be too busy, too distant, or otherwise not inclined to spend New Year's eve with us. One of my friends has never managed to find a steady woman. Another is gay. Another , like me, has been through that painful divorce process. He knows that fifth-wheel feeling that never quite leaves you once you've been married and are no longer attached. Adam is going to be there. I figured he'd be with his girlfriend but I guess that didn't quite work out as expected. It'll be an interesting evening. Joseph has never actually visited me and has no idea what he's in for. What delicious fun that'll be. It's always interesting bringing in someone new and seeing how they interact with people I've known for so many years. And then, after a day or so of recovery, 2011 will take us all in its clutches and proceed apace. My first full year in my own apartment in a community where I can at least get to a few places independently. Despite all my insomnia and writer's block, I seem to have found renewed hope of finding inspiration, or perhaps, merely the patience to wait for it while searching. Slowly, I am making progress in connecting with the good people around me who can help make my life more connected and meaningful. It'll just take lots and lots of time.

One of the last movies I've taken in this year was Inception. I don't think I've ever been more thankful for audio description. I would have been hopelessly lost amid the three levels of dream without it. The sound and acting were quite exquisite this time around. The story, though full of jumps, is solid enough and well put together. Two new games, well, one new game and a game with a major face lift, have occupied my spare moments over the holidays. Q9 has received a splendid update. You can now get monsters to fall into pits among other changes. A free offering called River Raiders is a fun little time-waster which I plan to have people try at tonight's party. It's both simple enough to control and short enough not to have one person take all evening to play. We'll see how everyone does. On that note, I believe I'll sign off here and get the last blog entry of 2010 up and posted. Happy New Year everyone.

Year Winding Down

2010-12-19T09:17:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. It's sunday morning. I've still got the cold which sunk its teeth into me early in the week. However, I believe it's on the retreat as I've been feeling much more energetic and less stuffed these past couple of days.

It's been a fairly uneventful week as I've rested and fought off the cold. I had my last mobility lesson for the next while on wednesday. There's too much snow around and it's too cold to learn much more. I knew we would reach that point eventually. Harpal has been a terrific instructor. The latest update to my Trekker Breeze seems to be a particularly helpful one. It took a while to lock onto me but then proceeded to call out landmarks quite well. I've backed up all my landmarks onto my pc and will copy them over to my external hard drive. Winter travel is still definitely to be avoided, but it's nice to feel a little less likely to end up disoriented and lost out there thanks to the Breeze. If I have to, I can get to the Meadowvale Town Centre or the Dam even through the snow provided I take it very slow and careful and leave lots of time.

The year really seems to be winding down now. Most of my Christmas preparations have been made. I guesss the cold has forced me to slow down. It actually came at perhaps the most proficious time it could have. I had just gotten my latest grocery order and so was very well stocked. While it's always disconcerting sleeping through odd chunks of the day, it's a real comfort to me to be able to know where everything is and take care of myself. My internal clock seems to have been reset by my illness. As a result, I was up and cheerful at around seven for the last few days just as I like to be. What's more, I've been able to stay up and alert through the entire day. I've got nothing at all planned for this coming week, but feel once again like life is full of possibilities. Seeking mark and Wendy yesterday for an excellent dinner certainly helps. They decided to bring a very tasty chicken and rice dish to go with my potatoes. Wendy made a delicious apple crisp. After dinner, we watched an episode of Life After People on History Channel. It provided fodder for some thoughtful conversation. Those two are always ready to sink their minds into something or other. I look forward to seeing them on New Year's Eve.

My two main goals for this next week are to pull out Enchantment's Twilight and perhaps make some small progress somewhere with it. I haven't managed any of that in quite a while. Also, I've got to make another attempt to start conversation in my Silver Smiles group. It has been absolutely silent over the past while. Amazingly, nobody has left the group. There has to be some way of really getting it going. I'm not remotely ready to walk away from the idea for the group yet. Other than that, ditching the rest of this cold would be very nice indeed.

Over the past while, I've been getting to know a friendly lady via email. We're pretty far apart for anything serious to start up but both find some comfort in exchanging email about our lives. She may even be able to stop by and seem me when she's in the area. I thought I'd be merely more frustrated at yet another lady being interested in knowing me but too far away to do much more than email. However, this hasn't been the case. I find that I'm at least a little more hopeful that at some point in the future, a woman who's closer at hand and available may possibly take an interest. Meanwhile, this lady seems sincerely keen to develop an actual friendship. It's a nice new addition to these solitary days.

Insomnia Strikes Again

2010-12-06T21:45:00.004-05:00

Hello everyone. It has been an incredibly long day. It seems I'm contending once again with insomnia. I had a very good weekend. I went to see my family at my parents' house for a very good dinner and afternoon. Ava and Amia did their usual splendid job for being cutely chaotic. They seem to like the idea of camp fires and stories. I've kept a group of audio stories for kids handy on my netbook and it at last paid off that evening. Ava particularly got into the adventures of Cactus Capour from ZBS Audio. Sunday was another great day at church with a games night I had a blast at with a bunch of the kids who attended.

There's no real rhyme or reason for not getting a stellar sleep. I have been feeling generally more up-beat about things this past while. There's no new stress in life and I believe I've finally begun to come to terms with accepting the life I have rather than spending so much time focussing on what that life lacked. This sense just grew inside me that things would indeed be getting better in their own time. Despite being very tired and having gone through a very unproductive day, I still have that new found level of hope and contentedness.

I went to sleep a little after ten on sunday night feeling quite tired enough to nod off at my ddesk. However, I found myself wide awake and restless at ten to four this morning. I got up and started poking around the Internet. My insomnia-driven search actually bore some interesting fruit. People looking for free sleep noise mp3 files should check out:
www.cantonbecker.com
Look in the "fun projects" section. I also came across Dan Gibson's Solitudes and found a Canadian group called Dreamstate while scavenging on:
www.mp3fiesta.com
My balance on that site is geting pretty damned low but I came away with around 43 new tracks to add to my relaxation and writing music collection. Quite a good find if I do say so myself. Tonight, I'll be piping Mr. Bekcer's white noise loop through my Logitech USB speakers and netbook. I've already taken a couple of the only medication I trust not to be adictive, a cheap form of Graval. I've also been very careful to eat nothing very recently which might keep me awake. Tonight, I'm employing all the cards I have. Here's hoping I wake tomorrow a lot more combobulated at a reasonable hour.

Later this morning, I went to the Samnet virtual pub for a fairly regular chat with a group of bellow blind people. They're somewhat older and have had very different lives to what I'm experiencing but I find it breaks up the solitude. Talk drifted around sleep and then to dreams and nightmares. I'm always fascinated with other peoples' nightmares. One lady described having a dream where she asked her talking clock what time it was and was told that she would die in 1999. How creepy is that? With all the talking gadgets which have populated my own life, I'm amazed I didn't have something like that. I guess that's a common fear, learning rather more about one's fate than is desireable. I rcounted a couple of the more creapy shorter nightmares I can still remember having from back in my middle school days. During that part of the day, I experienced a kind of jittery ultra-wakefulness with a surreal off-kilter punchy tinge. Had someone grabbed me with burderous intent as I left the elevator, it almost would have felt expected in a warped kind of way. I was quite glad to actuallly have a load of laundry to do and get me out of the apartment a bit. It broke up that long stretch of morning running into afternoon nicely.

This week has a few items of interest ahead. I'll finally be hooking up with Minney again on thursday if nothing derails her plans this time. It'll be good to have her over. We'll go out for dinner also. I last got together with her a year and a half ago. Who would have thought that the only friend I would take with me from five years of attending the Clearview Christian Reform Church would be a fifty-something year old West Indian lady whose life experience is about as different from mine as you could get? Dad and I will try and catch another Martini wednesday at Symposium. Also, there's a church meeting I'll be attending tomorrow night. Nice to have a few things happening like that.

I learned this evening that Mark Dailey has died of cancer. He didn't even make it to sixty years old. I'm struck by how much I took his disembodied voice for granted. I knew absolutely nothing about him other than that he had once had a heart attack until I read the article on CBC news about him. He was a police officer before becoming a journalist and was born in Ohio. I have a sense that I ought to have known so much more about him while he was alive. His voice was such a fixture in my TV consciousness that it just seems preposterous that he's now truly never going to say anything new in that rich deep voice. It adds to the surreal quality of this whole day. I hope he's found peace.

Well folks, I believe I'd better give up the ghost and turn in for the night. I've done my rounds online for the day and really can't muster focus for much of anything. Time to put that white noise on and hope everything works. Until next time, reader; Have a good sleep and pleasant dreams.

Parties, Phones and Other Stuff of Life

2010-11-29T17:42:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone. It's around nine o'clock on this monday morning. Amia's third birthday party was a lot of fun for the whole family. The trip to Chuck E. Cheese was a big success. Since we went in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, it was actually not too noisy or crowded in there. I was almost even able to play a proper game of Airhockey but it wasn't quite quiet enough to hear the puck move over the table. Guided around by mom and dad, I followed my two little neaces and helped out where possible. It was lots of fun.

The next couple of days were pretty dull. It was very cold out so the expedition to the bank and to take care of a few other things will happen a little later this morning. It's apparently going up to seven today which is a heeping lot better than minus ten. Trust me on that one. All the more true when part of the plan involves putting a few more reminder landmarks into the gps on the various routes near the Meadowvale Town Centre. I can see my self getting confused next spring when I start using them more again. As much as I enjoy Harpal's company, I look forward to a spring and summer without these lessons when I can just live life knowing how to get around my immediate area. It's been a long year getting to this point.

I've been looking more thoroughly into this whole iPhone thing. In general, I've been impressed to a point where I believe I'll take steps to alter my spending so that I can acomodate one relatively soon. It looks like it'll make more sense to get one through Rogers and sign up for a contract. I can keep my phone number and save a lot on the actual iPhone at the same time. I've learned that it's somewhat important that I get a current iPhone rather than a 3GS one because of a difference in ram available which impacts users of Voiceover due to the extra demands speech output imposes on the phone's memory. Thankfully, I can go middle of the road when it comes to storage space and believe that a sixteen gb phone would do just fine for me rather than the more expensive thirty-two gb version. Of course, I have to plan for however much an extra battery pack costs. Especially when using Voiceover, battery charge gets chewed through more quickly. Each ap will also cost a small amount but I just have to prioritise and build my collection slowly and carefully. I'll have quite a bit of help finding out which aps are accessible with Voiceover as there's quite a community of users now. It's not like I'm going to be a pioneer at all here. Not this time. Given my finances, those days are likely behind me for good. I can't say I mind that overly much. When things are working fine, I'm a lot less tempted to jump off the cliff and try something totally new without having a backup plan.

While friday and saturday were two excruciatingly dull days, sunday was a different story. I had church in the morning which included a soup lunch. Finally got my container back from them so I'll be able to bring potatoes for the next soup lunch unless it's at a point in the Christmas holidays when I've got other plans. I always feel good doing that and people seem to enjoy them. Thought yesterday was games day also but was wrong on that by a week. However, I was able to enjoy another Mosen Explosion during the afternoon. Added to that was an unexpected gathering in the evening held by Doug and Nan. They've made a real point of including me in a good few events over the past while. They sort of ended up having more of an impromptu party than I believe they originally intended and it was damned good to get out and be with people. I figured most people would become fixated in a card game and brought my netbook along to be prepare for that eventuality. There were enough people present that I always had people interested in conversation and never really used it except to allow one of the kids there to see the version of Talisman I have on it. Also, other than brief periods, conversation continued among the card players. That doesn't seem to happen with sports. As soon as a game comes on tv, quality of conversation seems to suffer greatly. You'd think an active card game would have more of that effect. It often does in my experience but not this time. Conversation just kept on chugging along nicely. There's so much history in the church community. Also, there were enough people and things to update each other on that the dynamics just worked better for a pure conversationalist like me. It made me wonder how differently my life would have turned out had my family not moved around so much while I grew up. It's not like we changed cities every year or anything but each move would break off relationships I had started. I didn't know anybody going into my secondary school. Only a couple of people from those middle school days while we lived in North York have ever contacted me. If I'm ever going to find more in life than this apartment and too damned many solitary evenings, it'll be through friendship connection. I've all but given up on another wonderful lady finding me online. Same goes for the job front. I just have to hope that circumstance will provide opportunities for people to see enough of my capabilities and good character to think it worth-while making allowances for my disability in a context more life-changing.

Earlier that evening, I had a conversation with John Morgan. He's still doing well and was quite excited to hear about the iPhone's capabilities for blind people. He had seen them and hadn't given them much thought due to their flat screens just like I originally hadn't. It'll be good to be able to show him something new that he won't have had to pay for at least in my case. He does so much for so many people. Everything from helping them shop to taking them places to getting them equipment they can't afford for themselves. I wonder if anybody but himself and God has a real idea of the shere number of people he's helped over the years. He mensionned at least three people I hadn't heard of before.

It's the afternoon now. Dad and I went for quite a walk and put in the landmarks I wanted. They ought to keep me from too much confusion regarding which way the route to the bank from Symposium Cafe is, [to the right when facing away from the door to Symposium] and the route to the drug store and post office, [to the left past the front of the fitness centre when facing away from Symposium]. We also enjoyed a good brunch. I hadn't had a delux omelet in quite some time and the mango fruit smoothy was as refreshing as ever. There's also a cession of our church mens' group this evening which I'll be attending. A very sharp contrast indeed to friday and saturday's creeping empty dullness. This friday, there's a Christmas breakfast in our building put on for residents. I have a hard time picturing how that's going to work here indoors and how they'll set it up. I don't ever find many people gathered in the lobby at any time and haven't heard about any rooms in the building for that kind of occasion. My friend Shirley is going so I'll head down with her and find out. I don't think they could use a tent at this time of year. Warm days are getting few and far between.

This week will be pretty unusual. I don't often have things happen on three out of five week days. It helps keep me from feeling quite so cut off from the world and divides time up better. I guess this sunday is going to include a games night. Other than that, I have no other weekend plans as usual. Hopefully, a nice bit of inspiration will at last come my way regarding Enchantment's Twilight. A few additional special locations, perhaps an actual game character or two [Dare I hope?], or a chunk of overall story arc. It's such a complex large kind of thing that I guess it might well feel slow even if I were able to put in a solid forty-hour work week on it through some autonomic mental creative inferno. Haven't had one of those since I worked on the Personal Power guide. At least that burst of creativity went to a good cause. On the bright side, I'm getting enough sleep these days so writer's block and a thankfully punctured solitude are the only two demons I face currently. I hope to get through the rest of the year without my sleep being screwed up. That would be nice and might even be an attainable dream. We'll just have to see.

A New Cellphone

2010-11-25T13:01:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone. Didn't think I'd be writing in here again for a while longer but I received an unexpected setback yesterday. That marvelous cellphone donated to me around a year and a half ago was suddenly rendered useless due to being unabled to charge. I'm not even certain whether the failure is with the charging port on the phone or with the charger itself but the product has been discontinued now and I can't get a replacement charger. I suddenly discovered this mid-morning yesterday and the battery died. Thankfully, my father and I had planned to go out to Symposium Cafe and it wasn't a big problem to add in an expedition to look into the possibilities of finding an alternative charger. This has sadly proved impossible and I ended up having to quickly decide on a new cellphone. The Doro 410GSM I ended up choosing has the advantage of being a very simple phone with a good tactile keyboard. Unfortunately, I can't make use of the phonebook or most of its other features since it has no built-in speech at all. I can't even check my battery level and won't know it's low until it starts vibrating. I'll have to take my netbook more places in case I need numbers I could formerly find in my cellphone. Because I didn't choose to go with a contract, I thankfully didn't lose out on the $60 balance I had in my acount and will be able to eventually upgrade to an Iphone when my finances aren't quite so tight.

I had an excellent chat this morning in the virtual pub on Samnet. A good group of regulars showed up and we discussed cellphones, American Thanksgiving plus the children in our lives. It passed the time very nicely indeed. I also talked to a young lady who was far from her family doing coledge while serving in the coastguard augzilliary. She doesn't believe she'll be able to see her family until next year due to economics and distance. That must be a pretty hard thing to face on American Thanksgiving and even harder on Christmas. Glad I was able to help her pass some time more cheerfully.

Speaking of cheerful, I'm sitting here in anticipation of the third birthday party for little Amia. It's apparently going to begin with a trip to Chuck E Cheese. I anticipate a great deal of noise and rampant running little feet. I have fond memories of that establishment from back when I was a youngster. After that, it's dinner at my parents' house. I'm going to try and touch base again with Sandy this evening once I return here. It's going to take some geting used to having to dial his number rather than scroll through for his name. For at least the next while though, that's just how things will be. I'll get used to it.

Puttering Through Potter and Passing Time

2010-11-23T18:44:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone. I figured it was about time I wrote another update. Things have been pretty quiet over the past while. The weekend was pretty empty of people other than a dinner on saturday night with some long-standing family friends. The food was terrific and included some excellent beef tenderloin. I spent the majority of the weekend reading the final three Harry Potter books at long last. I wasn't ever going to bother having lost interest after the fourth book some years ago. However, seeing as I hope to be volunteering with The Dam soon, it occurred to me that I might as well find out what happened to the little rascal which has so captivated everyone else. I probably skipped as many chapters as I actually read. The books are very well-written and have some excellent morals within them. However, I learned all those lessons from other fantasies which came before. It just isn't quite my generation of fantasy heros. At least I know how it all ends now and have probably read enough to fake my way through a Harry Potter inquisition. I don't believe I'll look into Twilight. I overdosed on Ann Rice's vampire novels over a decade ago and it'll be a while longer before I look into that world again presuming I ever do. I guess I've learned over the past weekend that one can never say never.

This week is off to a good start. I had another mobility lesson yesterday. When we got to The Dam, a student who worked there was present and we got to go inside. I was glad of the opportunity to have Harpal, my instructor, go over the basic layout of the place with me. I don't believe I'll take long to become quite comfortable in there. Having a brief tour also gives me much more of a sense of the function of the facility and volunteer group. Clearly, the emphasis is about having safe clean fun and building mentoring relationships with the youth around that. They have an Air Hockey table in there. I haven't played that seriously for over a decade now. Presuming fairly quiet conditions, I can hear the puck travel over the table and used to be pretty good at it. Doubtless, I'm rusty as hell. There are still some formalities and details to finalise including that police check. I very much look forward to getting started there. If, God forbid, something stops me from working there, I don't really have a plan B. It's getting too cold out there to think about learning yet another route this year. I still have to go over the one to the church one more time with Harpal and make certain I have that down thoroughly.

Today has been a good one. The groceries came in this morning and are now all stowed away. I forgot to get some new granola bars but I'm sure I'll live without them for a spell. Everything else came. I got a couple of different kinds of tea among other things. My writer's block continues which is the only real downer other than not having friends near my own age around here who share interests other than computer games. Yes, folks. Those empty weekends and evenings are becoming well past tiresome. I'd give up a whole lot for a new love in life who was seriously in it for the long haul. The chances of that situation changing any time soon are ghost thin. The closest I'll likely come to having a bunch of friends to converse with are fellow listeners to the Mosen Explosion of Mushroom FM. Somehow, Jonathan and Julia manage to create a kind of community atmosphere which allows me to forget how far apart we all are and how empty the apartment is. It makes for a pleasant four hours on a sunday afternoon even if the music is often older than what I usually enjoy.

Thursday is Amia's third birthday. I haven't seen my two neaces in a little while what with all they've been doing. I hope she enjoys this birthday more than the last one. Dad and I picked out some Christmas gifts last week at the Dollar Store. Next year, I'll see where they're at mentally and whether to take another stab at something from the Discovery online shop. I jumpped the gun a bit with that talking globe but I'll get better at it as they get older and find more interests. Tomorrow, I'll be eating at the Symposium Cafe with my father. Wednesdays are Martini days there and it's been a while since we've managed to catch one. I haven't gone there on my own in quite some time. Lately, it's just seemed like a lot of bother to go there and then be made even more aware of the missing lover and friends who ought to be there with me but are absent from life. Financially, things have tightened up as well over the past while and I've had to re-evaluate a lot of things. I'd happily forego some of the junkfood and more expensive but excellent food I buy to eat here at home if I knew I was going to be eating out with people more often. However, there just aren't all that many activities and reasons to go out anywhere. For me, friends are what turn otherwise empty events into the stuff of good memories. Even a trip to an art gallery has the potential of being interesting if I'm with people who don't mind discussing what they see rather than just gawking at it.

This afternoon, I've been doing some listenning. Soundprint had a nifty documentary in their archives about life at McMurdo Station in Anarctica. It focussed on how people lived up there rather than being about all the science that goes on. It was pretty fascinating. After that, I started listenning to the November 21 episode of Spark. It started out with a neat segment on designing soundscapes for places and the effect of ound environment and noise polution of people. Julian Treasure, a soundscape designer, lived up to his last name for me. He tends to think of sound much as I do. He talks about how people invest so much in the appearance of places but not much at all into how they sound. I certainly choose favorite restaurants on the basis of their sonic ambience and ease of conversation with companions almost as much as the food served. It's nice to know that at least someone out there thinks about that sort of thing. I've paused the episode as I write this entry and soon will make my dinner. Chicken souvlaki plus vegies and dip and some bread seem about right. I'm going to get a burger and fries tomorrow so I'll leave my fresh bag of Yukon Gold potatoes to try another day tempting though they are. Aura, that nifty creation from a kind Russian soul, is up to its usual magnificence filling my apartment with quiet moving forest sounds. I'll hear the rest of the episode as I eat. I've fallen a bit behind with Spark and other podcasts.

I get the podcasts but often at a time when I can't listen to them right away. They'll sit around for days and sometimes weeks before I get to them. Mainly, that's happening because I've been so drained and bored due to how differently things have turned out for me socially than I had hoped. Also, being on that ODSP Fireside group had the same kind of effect that being with Rebecca was having towards the end of our marriage. She dwelled so often on the negative, on what we didn't have, on what was wrong, that I found that I began to do the same thing and ignore the blessings we had available to us. It's an awefully wasteful vicious cycle to get into. Thankfully, I seem to hit bottom and bounce out of it fairly quickly if nothing pulls me down. I don't look at ODSP Fireside trafic much at all these days but plan to keep looking in on things occasionally when I can stand the overarching negativity. Meanwhile, one of the things which has helped pull me up is that my own group, Silver Smiles, is showing some signs of life again. We're still only five members and need to grow a lot larger before anything like steady conversation develops. However, they seem fine with the settings I've come up with for our group as well as with the archives of messages being public. I've made it so that people need to be invited to join the group and can request an invitation. Also, messages from new members are moderated by me. This way, people can't just join up and start making other members miserable. I didn't really want a role of gate-keeper but it seems to have made my current members feel a bit safer so I suppose it's for the best. This isn't at all like the Audyssey community which grew quickly around my magazine. Siler Smiles is a small fragile thing which will need to be slowly coaxed into being. There's a kind of nagging dread of making some foolish mistake which will spoil everything before it really gets going. I feel partially responsible for everyone's well-being just as I did with the Audyssey community before I made the charter and turned it over to others. I take no small amount of pride and comfort from the fact that it's still going strong all these years later. Whether I manage to pull off something similar with Silver Smiles is anybody's guess at this early stage. I think it's a worthy concept and am once again hopeful thanks to today's activity.

Free From Heavy Time

2010-11-12T22:07:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone. Didn't intend to leave everyone hanging quite so long after that Halloween stunt. I thought it might draw a lot more comment than it has. It was fun to do though. Just having a fresh piece of writing see digital daylight is a good thing.

Life continues apace although change seems to finally be afoot. I can go through solitary time here without it feeling quite so heavy as it has. Last weekend, the church had a games night. I hadn't been to one in quite some time. I brought my netbook and found a couple of bright kids to play a game of Talisman with. One of them really enjoyed the game while the other was chalk full of questions about what it was like to be blind. Between them and Joseph, I had an excellent time. It also seem that I might get another opportunity to speak to school children about life as a blind person. That's always a pleasure. At long last, I finally met the volunteer coordinator for The Dam. Tht's the place for trouble youth that I hope to volunteer at soon. She seemed very positive about my doing so. She sent five questions via email which I answered earlier this week. Hopefully, those answers will stand me in good stead.

Last weekend was another solitary one with the exception of sunday which was nicely packed with church and games night. I was dismayed to see yet another poor lady get taken to task by members of the ODSP Firesite group for daring to be greatful for what she got from ODSP. I've seen that happen around seven or eight times now since I joined the group. It seems they think that everyone ought to be utterly miserable 24-7 or at least be quiet about their gratitude just because the system isn't working as well for everyone else. They figure that the more miserable we depict ourselves, the more liely we are to receive much-needed change. I fully agree that change is needed to ODSP and the idiotic rules which we must live by. However, I strongly disagree that we shouldn't be publicly grateful for the help we get. I may not be living the live I would most wish to but I'm happy I have enough to live on and a good apartment. I'm also greatful for the friends I have, my supportive family, my church, and a whole lot besides. I don't think it proper at all that I or anybody else in need should feel that they ought to be utterly miserable. Therefore, I felt compelled to act.

Silver Smiles is a Google Group I started which is for anybody facing hardship but who still finds things to be happy about in their lives and wants a place to share with others of similar mind. It also welcomes anybody who wants to get to know us as friends rather than mere charity cases. I thought I was off to a pretty decent start getting five members in the first day. However, that seems to be where we're sitting for now. Also, despite my best efforts, the conversation seems to have gone dead. I also sent out a rough draft of a group flyer for their thoughts on it but nobody has sent anything in days now. It appears that I might just have to take the bull by the horns and lead more unilaterally than I thought. I'm not giving up on this idea. I think the group could eventually do a lot to reduce the barriers which stop people from approaching and getting to know us as people who are worthy of friendship and love who happen to be disabled. So much human capital is just being chucked aside by able-bodied society. I hope I can be of some help to the five people I've got at present but that's impossible if they aren't willing to open up a bit. Guess I just have to keep plugging away at it. To look at the group home page and join up, go to:
http://groups.google.com/group/silver-smiles

I finally took my good friend Adam out for the dinner I had wanted to treet him to. We each had a great meal at Turtle Jack's after a day of gaming. He's deep into his coledge courses now. So far, things seem to be going well for him. I've also been going for walks around the lake with Shirley, a friend I've made in the building here. It's a good chance to get out and talk to someone with a different life and perspective.

This weekend has filled up rather nicely. I'm off to a church gathering tomorrow about that Belhar confession. Aparrently, this event won't be as one-sided as the previous one I attended seemed to be. I've read the thing at least six times now and can't for the life of me see what harm might be done by accepting it. I'm just a novice at this sort of thing though so perhaps I'll get more of a sense of things tomorrow. On Sunday, it looks like I'll be getting together with Mark and Wendy for dinner. It'll be good to see those two again. It's been a little while and they're always fun to talk with.

Floating The Raven

2010-10-31T09:25:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone. It's yet another Halloween night. As usual, I find myself with nothing to do. Dressing up in costume has never overly excited me. There hasn't been a truly engaging horror movie worthy of that descriptor in half a decade. Once you pass the age of Trick or Treat, Halloween loses a great deal of its lust our. Despite every attempt to the contrary, I've never been able to find my way into those social circles where Halloween lives on for adults in the form of parties and other events. Those connections have passed me by. I've done everything there is to do here. Despite pumping hours into the Haunted House pinball table in ESP Pinball Classic over the last month, the game refuses to yield up a high score greater than fifty million points. That particular table has always been a favourite. Check it out at:
www.dracoent.com

Rather than let yet another special day pass in unremarkable fashion, I've decided to head out for a meal at a steakhouse I've recently discovered. Sambruno's Steakhouse is a small independent restaurant found at 2372 Sharp Street just off of GlenErrin. Instead of going under the street to get to the Meadowvale Town Centre, I just have to turn right and walk down Glenerrin a short way. I then come to Sharp Street and turn right. A stand of pine trees tells me when I've arrived at the steakhouse's driveway. The food is good and the music isn't too noisy. Mark and Wendy rather enjoyed the meal we ate there last weekend. Not too many people seem to have heard of the place yet. The prices are hard to beet though and the steak is just as good as one can imagine. They won't be hard up for customers very long I'd wager.

Navigating along the edge of the driveway and parking lot, I thankfully arrive at the door. There's always a danger of getting disoriented in parking lots. Sitting down at a small table near the door, I fold my cane and relax. The ambience is nice even if the choice of music is somewhat antiquated. It isn't too loud though. Just enough to render a long silence amid conversation more comfortable. The kitchen is situated towards the back of the place. It's door is flanked on either side by shelf-mounted stained glass statuary. Mainly, they're of various donkeys.

There's hardly anybody else here. I've just managed to settle myself when Gordo comes to my table. He's the only waiter in Sambruno's Steakhouse and is the sun of Mr. Geppetto, the chef of the establishment. I exchange pleasantries with the young man and order a beer. It's not like I'll be driving home after all. I ask if there are any specials on this evening. He informs me that I would do his father a great honour if I would try the filet immortalis. I'm always game for something new and agree to do so.

Gordo brings me a rich and foam-topped Bold Heart Bitter and leaves me to await my filet immortalis. I usually tend to drink rather slowly. However, I unaccountably find myself taking large gulps of this quite tasty brew. As I do, I'm filled with dark reflections about how life has turned out for me. All the effort gone unappreciated and leading nowhere. My creativity, once full of idealism and seemingly endless, now sputtering along in constant threat of vanishing for long stretches of time. Barring an outright miracle, I seem doomed never to find true and lasting love despite all my gifts and the best of intentions. A button just had to go and pop off my favourite pair of trousers this morning. The nerve! And then there was that formerly delicious orange that just had to turn bad the instant before I started to peel it. Why did I even come here? What was I expecting? I'm the only customer in this place. Even when I make an effort to go out, I seemed condemned to be alone! And what does the blasted sun think it's doing popping off for the evening so early? It's not like people get Halloween off! And then there's that ice cube that fell from the tray while I got a drink. Spent fifteen minutes chasing that thing around my kitchen floor as it melted away getting harder to find! Roar!!! I've somehow finished the whole drink already! What a rip off!

Showing a distinct measure of bravery, Mr. Geppetto brings me my steak dinner. My countenance must be a dreadful thing after such a fiercely negative line of thinking. That negativity quickly fades when I catch a proper sniff of my rather large dinner. It smells like the best steak one could possibly conceive of. The potato's, mushrooms and vegetables smell wonderful also, but they don't even rate consideration when compared to that delicious steak. There's a seemingly endless amount, more than I could ever hope to consume.

"I am most curious to know what you think of this steak. Other than myself and Gordo here, you are the first to try what I regard as my masterpiece." He eagerly stands watching as I cut off a piece and take my first bite. "What do you think of it?" He asks eagerly but not without trepidation.

"I've never tasted a steak this good before!" I answer truthfully as I dig in at full speed. "How did you prepare it?"

"That is a secret I will share with no one including my son Gordo. God willing, it will die with me. There is something profoundly precious about things or experiences which are only available for a short time. One strives for them all the harder if there comes a point beyond which one's desire cannot be satisfied. I made this steak in order to help others consider what it would be like to live forever. Hence, its name. You have eaten and enjoyed, but have some water and take a moment to consider." He hands me a glass of ice water and I do as he asks of me. "I have not always cooked in a steakhouse. We all take on so many roles in even a single lifetime. I was once known for my skill at carving wood. I have also been a fisherman, soldier, father, priest, and traitor to my beloved Italy when she fell to fascism under a greedy dictator who then allied with one of history's most evil men. This was when Gordo and I came to the new world. I have seen a great many marvels and have reinvented myself countless times. I grow very weary of that and believe I will remain in this steakhouse until I go to meet the one who made me."

As Mr. Geppetto talks, I can't help but hear that something swings slightly at his neck. Some sort of medal perhaps? He did say he was once a soldier. I ask him about it and he says that he has always worn this bronze medallion depicting a raven ever since it was given him many years ago.

"Call me superstitious, but I believe it keeps me in good health and alive. Let us not wander though. Think on what it truly means to live forever. You would know for certain that you would out-live any friends, lovers, or children you might raise. Everyone you know will eventually die and leave you to continue life's endless journey without them. You would live long enough to see anything you created crumble away and lie forgotten..."

He expounds further on this but my mind is otherwise engaged. I would be alive to know how absolutely everything turns out. I would experience all the marvels humanity devised. The future would be pretty much endless. I would also remain in the perfectly satisfactory healthy condition I currently enjoy. Mr. Geppetto was an old man when this gift was bestowed upon him. Of course he'd look at the glass as being half empty. The steak went down well enough but the burps I politely stifle are tasting like burnt shoe leather dipped in mud and dog turds. What's with that? Could immortality really be so unwelcome? Would it indeed lose its lust our? I ought to leave before I barf on the floor. While I'm on my way out, I believe I'll just snatch that medallion from his neck. He's told me enough to think there's something to that superstition. With my left hand, I successfully grab and yank hard on the medallion. He wasn't expecting that and bends forward so the chain comes off his neck easily. With my other hand, I pull out my cane which makes a formidable weapon at close range while folded and give him a thunderous thwack on the skull. Mr. Geppetto falls to the floor. Expecting a meaty thump, I instead hear a dusty clatter which confirms my hopeful suspicions. Without the medallion's magic to hold it at bay, time has at last caught up with this former wood-carver. I now hold perhaps the only key to immortality in my hands. Pocketing the medallion, I get out my duelling pistol anticipating trouble. How did a blind man get one of those? It pays to have interesting friends. Jape Watner and I attended the same Philosophy class in university where the whole issue of suicide came up for debate. Did we as human beings have the moral right to do ourselves in? He thought I should have an equal opportunity to blow my own head off as everyone else and so procured the seventeenth-century replica duelling pistol for me complete with powder and a single roundshot. Paradoxically, I now had the means to effect precisely the opposite of his intent and live forever. There's a cry of alarm and the distinct rasp of a large blade coming from behind me in the steakhouse kitchen. That spells trouble for me and the stakes will likely never be higher than right now. It's time to take my best shot and put this pistol to good use.

I turn and fire in the direction of the enraged yell and running feet. At last, I know what a genuine unrecorded honest to Got gunshot sounds like. Been curious about that for most of my thirty-six years. The shot misses Gordo and shatters one of the stained glass donkeys mounted on the shelf to the left of the kitchen. How utterly assinine! Shades! Such a shamefully shoddy shooting on Sharp Street! Poor Mr. Geppetto. I took his trinket, cracked his crown and nearly got his Gordo. As Gordo picks himself up off the floor from his headlong desperate tumble, I turn and run out the door. My talking GPS was never turned off but will take a bit to track in on me. Thankfully, the route back home is simple. I'm just not used to doing it at full tilt like this. At least there's no driving involved so I don't face the ignominious prospect of being T-boned after robbing a steakhouse. Didn't have to pay for my meal either. Flanks for nothing.

Rounding the corner onto GlenErin, I slow down as I listen for the underpass which will tell me to turn left and head towards home. It comes up quickly and I am now back on very familiar ground. My best defence is to try to appear as normal as possible. I therefore proceed leisurely along the path around the lake. I've really done it! Robbed a steakhouse blind and gotten away! Delicious, in more ways than one.

Slowing down gives me a chance to think about the evening's happenings. That steak tasted so good at first but so rotten after a while. Could immortality truly take on such a dismal lust our? It was hard to imagine. Could one really live so long that one got utterly tired of change? Behind all the glitz and gadgetry, was there really nothing new under the sun? Did I really want this for myself? So much to think about. Reaching a vacant park bench, I sit down to ponder further.

I had left quite a mess behind me. What would Gordo do? Going to the police seems out of the question. How would he explain his father's remains? How would he explain himself for that matter? He knows things only someone who had lived far longer than his apparent seventeen years would know. Clearly, Mr. Geppetto had somehow passed on some of his gift. How long had he been trapped at the threshold of manhood? How long ago had his mother died? I'm unlikely to be in any danger from that quarter. Despite the hefty hit on the head I gave him, Mr. Geppetto's last act had been to sigh in re leaf. This adds to my hesitation to put on the medallion. How did it work? If it could be willingly relinquished once put on, Surely Mr. Geppetto could have chosen his own hour of death. However, he had never done so. There always seems to be an additional price to pay for extraordinary abilities at least in folklore and such. Of course! It finally clicks. This medallion had been what animated Pinocchio before he became a boy. Everyone knows how Pinocchio ended his days; How he had once more become a wayward rascal and joined Bluebeard's crew of pirates; How he had tried to double-cross his captain due to an attack of conscience and been sentenced to hang from the yardarm [by the nose] until dead. Fate had other plans for the long-nosed liar. Before his sentence could be carried out, Bluebeard was attacked by a rival pirate. His ship and all aboard had been burned to ashes when the powder magazine exploded destroying the ship. Having lived as a human, Pinocchio nevertheless suffered a wood carving's fate. The man who, in death, wood boy be. However, no story explained how Pinocchio was originally animated. All those people who had seized Pinocchio for one misdeed or another had never realized what nestled deep in the hollow of his wooden heart. Once Pinocchio was a boy, he had no need of the medallion and the faerie had clearly chosen to give it to Mr. Geppetto.

Mr. Geppetto had been centuries old. Not only that, but he had been forced to live a life of complete honesty. The medallion couldn't prevent injury, but kept him in otherwise good health. However, had he lied to me about the medallion, his nose would have grown. No faerie remained to kiss it back to a proper length either. The world has moved on from those days. To live so long without ever even telling a white lie; An awesome achievement in and of itself. Not only that, but to find the strength to love again after outliving everyone he had ever known. Even without the gift or curse of immortality, Mr. Geppetto had clearly been a remarkable man.

Sitting by the lake, I hold the medallion and examine my desires. It's as if the world is holding its breath while I decide what to do with it. They say that time waits for no man. Am I the exception to that rule thanks to this stolen gift from a bygone age? If I decide wrongly, would it not only wait but also weep? That steak tasted so awful after it had gone down. Perhaps, more than anything else, this last work of art from a poor time-stretched soul is what ultimately compels me to stand once more. Facing the lake, I throw the medallion as far from me as I can. The last I hear of it is a quiet splash. I leave the length of my days to a wiser head than mine to decide. Heading towards home, I determine to float the raven nevermore.

*Epilogue*

I hope you've enjoyed this digital Halloween outing of mine. Did you catch all the wordplay? Presuming there's some interest, I may do another posting to go through all of that and how all the ideas occurred to me. For now though, I'll reveal one of the more sneaky ones. There was never a Jape Watner in my Philosophy classes. Jape, as some of you may know, is an old English word for a joke. The mind wants to hear and expect to hear Jake and I suspect the same would hold true visually. It goes without saying that I never have owned any firearms. However, I wanted a bad shot on Sharp Street and that angle was the best I could come up with. Rather than drive me at all towards suicide, my time in Philosophy class firmly convinced me of how all of our lives have value and should be treasured. Coming to believe in Christianity has only strengthenned that conviction. I hope eall my readers have a safe and happy Halloween.

Yet Another Interlude

2010-10-26T04:32:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone. This has been yet another largely solitary period lately. There have been a few exceptions. I had the first meeting of our church mens' group. It'll be on mondays this year. The next one will be at my apartment. It looks like we'll be getting together every second week. It'll be good to have an actual group of people in here for once. I can't count the times I've heard or felt my couch and chairs reflecting on how utterly devoid of anyone but me they've largely remained since I've moved in here. For one evening at least, that will finally change. It'll be interesting to hear what they think and also get a sense of what my apartment actually sounds like when there are a good number of people present. Adam and his young partner in Journalism class showed up one morning last week to interview me for an assignment. I trust the writing went well for them. Hopefully, they got hold of a couple other game developers.

Another thing which happened this week was a meeting I went to with a few of my church elders. I took the time to explain to them the challenges I face when trying to find new friends and when looking for opportunities to volunteer in the community. Now that I've gotten my bearings at least when it comes to my building and immediate surroundings, it's time to take yet another crack at finding somewhere I can make some sort of positive difference which involves people rather than this keyboard. I absolutely need to find more opportunities for social interaction. I need to have at least the ghost of a chance for making new local friends for whom picking me up or coming round for a visit isn't such a damned big deal. I'm fed up with everyone else being too busy and yet not having anywhere other than this computer where I can share my gifts. If people are so damned overworked, then there should be a job somewhere for me that I don't have to search years and not find. I don't want to end up as alone and cynical as Sandy is but if nobody lets me into more of life's experience and company, I can see it happening. Creatively speaking, I'm already running on fumes here. I've gotten a few messages of interest on the online dating sites I belong to but in all cases, it has now been over a week since I've heard from any of them. I'd dearly love to have a new lady in life but without finding more to do in the community, my chances in that area are exceeding slim. I have just enough hope to keep me from closing my acounts and simply not bothering with it anymore. There have been so many brief flashes of hope followed by disappointment when you don't hear back and know that they've lost whatever brief spark of interest they once had. It's like I'm being stretched out on a rack nearly to the point of destruction. There's just so much empty solitary time. Perhaps, now that a few people who know something of my potential and realise my difficulty getting around are going to take a crack at helping me find somewhere, things may get better. I still find that I'm able to hope. God knows how long that's going to last. There are two places which they thought of and where they could put in a good word for me. The first and likely best one is the Dam. It's at the Meadowvale Town Centre so I could walk there and back myself. I was rejected two years ago when I applied there mainly because I couldn't walk there and back competently and wouldn't be able to commit to the required two years. Now, barring any outright miraculous or disasterous changes, both of these reasons no longer apply. The other idea would involve getting to and from Square One and wherever inside that large structure the Open Door centre is housed. I'd need someone to take me to and from that place. It's absurdly large and confusing even for sighted folks. However, if that were possible on a regular basis, I might also be able to volunteer there. In the former case, I'd be helping to mentor youth who are at risk. I believe I could do that well once whatever guidelines and such The Dam wants its volunteers to stick to are explained to me. My online leadership experience would possibly be useful there. My patience, ability to diplomatically solve desputes and calmness would, you'd think, be valued assets. The Open Door is a place which tries to help immigrants and other disadvantaged people. I would expect my language skills would be useful there. Here's hoping something works out. I don't fancy the mainly solitary Winter I'm in for otherwise. Nor do I relish the idea of next Summer being as damnably empty of company as this first one here turned out. I need to find a way of participating somehow.

Over the past week, I read an excellent book by the now dead author Michael Crichton called Pirate Lattitudes. It was a terrific story about a spectacular privateer raid on a Spanish fortress and treasure ship. The detail he went into was wonderful. He always did his research. Definitely a book I'll keep around for future reading. I believe I stil have a few sections left of Acquainted with the Night to finish off. It can slow down at times but has on the whole been a very interesting read. I just began a book of short stories about the Battle of Brittain called That Eternal Summer. The first story was about a man who came up with the bullets used by the Royal Air Force. Doubtless, the other stories in the volume will prove equally good reading. I also read the book The Taking of Palem123, and was somewhat disappointed. The recent remake of the movie with Denzel Washington was far better and more engaging than the book. I don't often come out with remarks like that being a life-long reader. However, it's true in this case. Hard to beet Denzel and John Trevolta squaring off. Dialogue and sound-wise, it was quite simply a fantastic film.

My free copy of Get Lamp, the documentary I was interviewed for a few years ago, arrived in timely fashion to brighten up the last weekend for me. It was quite good. I found it just as fascinating as I had hoped to hear the voices of the people who created the text games I've enjoyed throughout my life. A bunch of very smart and thoughtful folks. Jayson Scott has done a fantastic job with it. Thankfully, I didn't come off sounding as worn down as I was afraid I might given what I was going through at that time. It came with a collector's coin that feels pretty nifty. I got number 238. It feels a lot more substantial than what I expected.

The Mosen Explosion was on and filled my otherwise empty sunday afternoon quite nicely. I thoroughly enjoyed the half-year celebration of the station. It certainly doesn't feel like it's been part of my life for the past six month. The big surprise I was so curious about turned out to be some new professionally done jingles for broadcasters to use on the station. A very classy addition indeed. It really gives a whole new polish to how people come across on air and has certainly seemed to put a spring in everyone's step. I took a listen to their broadcasting tutorial. I simply don't know enough about music to do a regular show based on that. A talkshow might be possible for me. The last thing I need in life is yet another online commitment. However, if my current campaign to find somewhere around here to pitch in doesn't go anywhere, perhaps I'll reconsider as solitude takes its toll on me. One way or another, I can't let another year go past without doing something which will have a more immediate impact than my two long-term projects. I'd ever so much rather that impact be on people here in my neighbourhood.

This week ought to be less solitary. My grandmother is coming for a visit. My birthday is on friday so I'll be doing things with my family at least on thursday and friday. We'll doubtless pay a visit to the casino, this being my grandmother's favorite activity. Typically, we go out for a birthday dinner and have cake. Mom always makes a good cake. Baking one myself has never appealed to me. On saturday, I'll be seeing my Aunt Kay in Bright Ontario as we drop my grandmother off at her sister's.

Having a birthday draw close unfailingly makes me reflect on where I am in life. I had always pictured myself happily married at age 36. By now, I'd have a wife and a good group of friends close at hand to do stuff with. Didn't think I'd find myself a fairly new and still mostly isolated member of a community at the very beginning of the process of building a less solitary life. Yet, here I am. I kept myself well stocked over the whole summer hoping for guests I almost never had. These days, I've all but given up on the possibility of unexpected visitors. People just don't seem to drop in on each other anymore. I used to make certain I had my cellphone with me when away from my desk. These days, I'm just as likely to leave it plugged in on my desk and then have to race out and grab it when I win some cosmic lottery and the thing rings. Listenning for a knock at the door is also something I don't really do anymore. At times, I'll hear what I think is a knock only to open the door on an empty passageway. Wind and pressure differentials will at times cause my door to rattle in a manner which I can mistake for knocking especially as I usually have music or other sound coming from my computer speakers. Somehow, I have to change things this year. I thought finding friends would be so much easier than this in a building full of people and finally with a long-term place of my own. I'm blind, not extraterrestrial. There's a difference!

When visiting my parents last weekend, I got one of my birthday presents early. It was a much-needed new vacuum cleaner. At some undetermined point in the recent past, my old one had ceased to suck.[Not a good thin in this case.] Not knowing precisely when this happened, I'm very glad to have a brand new Dirt Devil. Now, I find I'm obsessed with making up for God knows how many useless cleanings. What crums might be lurking on my floor? This time, I'm feeding this paranoya somewhat. I'll do another round later this morning when I won't risk waking people up at this ungodly hour. I can say with absolute certainty that this vacuum cleaner absolutely sucks.[A very good thing.]

Surprisingly, despite a mix-up with my voter card, I ended up voting yesterday in our municipal elections. Hazel is our mayor once again. She still sounds pretty capable. I followed some of the election coverage on Rogers Cable last night. Hopefully, the new council will get stuff done. Now that this community has given me a place, I'll try to do my part and be more observant and use my voting power as conscientiously as I use any power given to me. One of the members of my church ran for school trustee but was unsuccessful. I think he could have made a good one. I meant to check up on who won the Toronto race for mayor but never got around to it. Doubtless, I'll hear the news at some point today and fill in that blank.

It's just approaching four thirty on tuesday morning. I fell asleep pretty quickly at eleven but woke up at a little past two. Got a bit of work done on a surprise I've been working on. You'll find out what that is pretty soon now, faithful reader. Finally got around to trying a new tin of hot chocolate I purchased quite a while ago. It certainly hit the spot. However, I'm starting to feel like it just might be possible to get some more sleep so I think I'll give it a go. I'd do a whole lot better at staving off insomnia if there were more to do in my days and some sort of routine in my weeks. Here's hoping more people let me into their lives so that can become a reality and not just a pipedream.

Hope Restored

2010-10-13T14:14:00.001-04:00

Hello everyone. Happy Thanksgiving. The actual weekend was somewhat long, lonely and dull for me. When you can't get around and you're single, that happens quite a bit. Due to the busy schedules of family members, we're having our Thanksgiving dinner this evening. I did go out for dinner with my parents on monday evening. Dad's back from his Golf trip which apparently went quite well. It'll be good to catch up with everyone tonight.

Last night was yet another unexpectedly empty evening staring me in the face. There seems to be nothing else I can do to somehow start connecting more regularly and deeply with people around me beyond family. Despite a great deal of effort over the past half-year focussed on building more of a life offline, there just doesn't seem to be a way to punch through from casual acquaintance to more actual friendship. People know who I am here in the building but don't seem interested in anything beyond passing encounters. Everyone is so confounded busy. You'd think there would be somewhere I could volunteer or a lady out there who would value a patient, compassionate easygoing guy enough to show some interest beyond emails. As it gets colder out, I'll be less eager to head out for walks outdoors. Those walks and church are pretty much my only opportunities for socialisation that isn't digital. Unless you're engaged in some common purpose, nobody seems to have time to just get together let alone anything more. There are times when I feel like I might as well be on another planet.

People think that a life on social assistance is so easy. It's true in many ways. I have time that most people my age would kill for. I can sleep in, spend a day reading, put off chores, etc. However, I grew up with the idea that there would be a job, marriage, some way I could contribute to the community around me and be rewarded with companionship among other things. What I've learned over the years is that money talks and nothing else seems to count for much beyond best wishes. Virtues like honesty, patience, compassion, being able to appreciate more than one side of a story; Those things just don't seem to count. The days and weeks pass by and you can feel the weight pile up of what that time could have contained had the right people come along or the right opportunities presented themselves. You do everything you can withing reason to contribute positively and it just flat out gets you nowhere. It eats away at what I think of as the best of me. To add to that, I heard a very angry man yelling at a woman who i presume was a girlfriend. He yelled so loudly and with such fury that I heard him clearly from within the apartment despite music and my computer making noise at the same time. He sounded ready to rip her head off or smash her to bits. Stepping out onto my porch, I could hear the fear in the young woman's voice but not whatever she said. I grabbed my cellphone with the thought of calling 911 if I heard things get obviously violent. At least a couple of other residents were on their balconies also. One of them yelled down that she would call the cops. The woman seemed to move off while the man stayed there and yelled after her. He was there for quite a while cursing up a storm. I presume he was on a cellphone and not just fuming to himself. This incident was the very first intense encounter I've heard since I moved in here. It made my lack of female companionship feel all the more ludicrous. As my marriage fell apart, there were times when I was certainly angry with Rebecca but she never had to worry about her safety. I handled the separation and divorce with as much generocity and fairness as was humanly possible to the point where my parents felt I wasn't looking out for my own future interests. When Janene devastated me on the Easter monday before the last one, she was so relaxed that she even tried to joke with me. I don't think she had any sense at all of how my world had come apart so incredibly unfarely due to her sudden desire after all my patience as she completed her degree just to be free. People just don't seem to have any sense of consequence, of human capital being utterly squandered by their whims.

Yesterday was going to be busier. I had my mobility lesson in the morning. Harpal is always very patient and pleasant to work with. I'm getting closer to masterring the route to my church. It's getting cooler out there. I doubt I'll actually use the route to get to church until next spring. It's utterly impossible once there's snow on the ground and even excessive wind would make trying to get there or back very uncertain. Too many places to go off course in such circumstances. There's also a mid-block crossing with a stopsign that doesn't have any landmarks leading to it. I'd be relying completely on my Trekker Breeze which frankly isn't always so reliable. Later on, I was supposed to go for a church men's group. However, that had to be put off until likely next week.

The rest of the day and evening passed pleasantly enough but I had reached the point where there was litterally nothing else to do but turn in. I decided to check Twitter one last time first. Heather, a friend I knew back in secondary school, tweeted that the first miner was coming up. I had lost track of that whole situation and didn't know that a rescue was at all imminent. Thanks to Heather's announcement, I was able to tune into CP24 in time to hear the first miner be freed. Hearing that happen was nothing short of incredible. I stayed up late to hear the first few get pulled out. It's not like I'm paid to be up on time. One of the perks of my situation is that one has time to take things in as they happen. What a fantastic moment for the world. Proof positive of what good people are capable of when God lends a hand and their hearts are in the right place. I'm not ashamed to say that it moved me to tears. The world needs such moments of inspiration. I had been reflecting a lot on how disconnected and fragmented we were all becoming; wondering if there was really any hope for me finding a jenuine life partner at all, starting to doubt whether my projects would ultimately do anything other than pass lonely time and make me feel productive. The latest episode of Spark on CBC had gotten me thinking on how little people seem to watch in common other than perhaps sports. We all seem to be on our own little islands. And then, Twitter plus a friend I'll likely never physically meet again got me on the same page as the world. At times like that, you keenly feel the absence of someone to hold. The couch stretches out empty on either side. Thinking of those poor men, what they went through and the small capsule they're riding out of the shaft in even now, I was profoundly conscious of the space in my apartment around me. Such an incredible epic story made all the more remarkable because it's real.

Hearing the rescue was just what I needed to put things in perspective. For a while, at least, it has restored and recharged my sense of patience and hope. Those miners believed that God and people on Earth would come through for them despite tremendous obstacles and what had to be an excruciatingly long time even more devoid of markers of its progression than what I experience. It reminds me yet again that things could be a whole lot worse than they are. The fact that people were able to get together and pull this rescue off does a great deal to balance all the crap going on in the world lately. It shouldn't. God knows how many people die from starvation, cureable ilness, poverty and outright stupidity every hour. I guess just knowing that everyone was as glued to their screens as I was to my computer speakers while events unfolded tells me that there's still some connection. It's enough to keep me going and to restore my hope for a more included future. That's the power of Twitter and a really positive news story. I'll never be able to think of Twitter with quite the same sense of derrision as I've been known to in the past. Through it, I was profoundly moved yesterday and caught a moment of history as it happened rather than after the fact.